Category: depression

Oh what a day

I spent the day in a town outside of Boston for most of the day. I wasn’t planning on it but as I was leaving the house, the last step on my stairs, I twisted my foot and I have been in pain since. I went to urgent care after my eye appointment. I have a sprain and will be in a boot for the next week or so. I was there for three fricken hours. I took an Uber home because I wasn’t going to take the T. I was in too much pain. I don’t know how I am going to manage going to campus tomorrow. I will worry about it then.

I should have taken my textbook with me. I could have spent the two hours waiting in the waiting room reading. I have a quiz tomorrow and I have no clue what chapter 8 is about. I tried reading last night but my brain was too foggy. I couldn’t concentrate. I am trying to go over the slides but my brain isn’t registering the words. I am fried. I will try and go over it again in the morning.

I have been sad most of the day. I have been thinking about my mother. Sometimes I don’t think about her but lately, I have been wanting to call her and see how she is. Can’t believe it has been a year.

I got two new glasses at the eye place. They will be in in a few weeks. Hopefully my sprain will be healed by then. I got dry eye so need to use drops a couple times a day. I will start that tomorrow.

Finally some decent sleep

I have been up since 7am. I slept through the night for the first time in a long time. I woke up with my chest hurting because I barely moved during my slumber. I must have curled up into a ball because it was pretty painful. I kind of lost energy around 1030 but I rested and then I got dressed to go to campus. I had to wait twenty minutes for the bus. I didn’t check the schedule until I got to the bus stop. I went to Starbucks and had a mocha and a wrap. I thought about doing some schoolwork while there but I wanted to pick up my stuff from the bookstore.

After I left Starbucks, my legs felt like cement. I was just so tired. I had anxiety right before leaving and wanted to go home. But I pushed myself. The anxiety was persistent throughout the day. I had an anxiety attack right before class. I thought about leaving but I was there so I stayed. I went to class. The professor was back and it was good seeing him. I wasn’t able to print off the extra credit but I was able to email it to the TA. I was glad because after the self-assessment that I took, my grade dropped by twenty points. I am not happy. Class was interesting though my mind kept on floating to other things.

I came home and while I travelled, I listened to the game. I cried as they interviewed the players from the 2004 Sox. It was their 20^th Anniversary and they honored Tim Wakefield. It was just emotional. I remembered the game that won it all. I remember so much from that year. The determination of the way Johnny Damon said they were going to win. And they did. Seven straight games. It wasn’t easy but it was fun to watch. I have to take a shower because I smell like fermented cheese. I am wicked exhausted. I need to make something for supper. I had a Naked juice while I waited for the bus. I just feel so full.

Twice today I thought about calling my mother. It just seems so strange even though it has been a year since she died. I had therapy yesterday and we talked about how my mother brought me to the doctors for anything and everything. She was always interested in my body. As a result, I think I ended up developing dysmorphia from it. I hate the way my body is. I feel like a cow most days and after top surgery, I am still coming to terms with my big stomach.

Anyway, we talked about my medical anxiety as I tend to contact my pcp for things. She seems to think it is in excess. I find it easier to send a message than to call. I still think my chronic illnesses tend to lean me more to contacting my doctors than not. I am completely wiped out and going to stop here. I need to sleep. Hope I have the same slumber as I did last night.

Fatigue sucks

I have been up for only a couple of hours. I had two cups of coffee, some breakfast and then I replaced my laptop battery. I came back to my room and I need a fucking nap. I am so fricken tired. I hate it. I wish I could go take a nap but I got stuff to do. I wanted to work on my book but I am not sure how to do it exactly. I don’t want to be flipping through two documents. Sometimes I see the benefit of having two screens.

I slept ok last night despite waking up at 11pm and not really going back to sleep until like 2am. I stayed up till the end of the game. We lost. I finished chapter 7 in my psych book. I hope to start chapter 8 today. Sox are playing in the afternoon and I am so glad. And then they are in town for Opening Day at Fenway. I want to go to a game this year but not this month as the weather is still fricken cold. I might go in June before the weather gets hot. I don’t think we are going to have a spring. I think we are going to go from winter to summer like usual. It’s supposed to be in the 60s later this week. We’ll see. I don’t remember if it will be cloudy or not. I will have to check.

I have therapy tomorrow. I plan on sharing the free association thing I wrote last week. It isn’t long. I got an email from the Anthro prof. He added content and said he would be grading the obs assignment in the next few days. And I should get the exam 2 grades sometime this week. I hope so because I need to make a decision about whether or not to change my status to P/F or withdraw from course.

I have a busy week. I need to reschedule my surgeon appointment as my psych professor moved the quiz to Thurs. Wed I have an eye exam. My left eye has been bothering me for a while and gets easily irritated. I am hoping to get new glasses. Last year, I only paid $65 for a new pair, with insurance and transition lenses. I don’t know if class is going to be in person or zoom for Tues. I haven’t received notifications on it yet. I need to pick up the stuff I ordered at the bookstore. I got some Tshirts and a new hat.

Saturday Blog 06042024

I never read any of my psych today. I was up in the middle of the night, again, and it is getting so old. I read for a little bit. My groceries came and I put them away and then I went to the square without my book and notebook to get my haircut. I also picked up my meds. Then I came home and I decided to have ice cream for dinner because I couldn’t fucking decide on what to make. I have too many choices. I wasn’t really hungry.

I feel exhausted and I am going to try and stay up till at least 10pm tonight so that I can get some sleep. I have a fucking headache again. Sox are playing at 2130 again. I hate west coast games. Just this weekend and then they are home. Then the games will be at 7 which will be much better. I am so fricken clueless as to what day it is. I am so out of it. So much for looking at my book today. I will try tomorrow.

I am feeling anxious and have palpitations. I thought my heart was racing but the pulse ox says my HR is 95. It is fast but not super fast. I still have tightness/nerve pain in my chest. I have to reschedule the appointment with the surgeon as my psych quiz got moved to Thurs.

I got my battery for my laptop that I hope solves some of the power issues I have been having. I am going to change it tomorrow. Wish me luck that I don’t break anything.

I’m going to bed soon. I feel like crap with this headache. I am also grumpy as fuck. Tomorrow I start me new dose of my blood pressure med. Hope it works. I wish I could cry. I am so damn tearful. I am just so sad.