Category: depression

A million years ago

I had a couple hours sleep and woke up around midnight to pee. I was up for the night. I didn’t go back to sleep till around 5ish. I read, I wrote. I did some school work. Nothing was making me sleepy. I finally called it quits when the school work got a bit complicated. I still haven’t gone back to it. I am struggling with it. I feel apathetic today.

My sister made a bunch of food. I went downstairs. The last of the football game was playing. They lost in overtime. So their record is tied at 1 right now. Sox lost today. Not a good day for Boston sports. After I ate, I went upstairs and had to use the bathroom. While I was washing my hands, I noticed like this rash on my stomach. I am not sure if it is a rash or acne. I took a picture of it and sent it to my pcp. I hope to get an answer tomorrow.

I didn’t shower today. I don’t feel like it. Maybe tomorrow. I did shave and brush my teeth. I had two cups of coffee. I am out of my biscuits. I am going to try and get them my next pay period. I also need to get my magnesium. I am out of it. The price of it went up. It’s now $20 for a bottle of 90. It lasts me 45 days because I take it twice a day. It helps with the migraines.

I am tired. I am trying to push through it. I did my meds for the week. Increased the Topamax to 50 mg twice a day. I don’t see the neurologist again till November. Hope it helps the migraines and it doesn’t make me dopey.

Saturday Blog 14092024

I am slow moving today. I woke up at 6 to pee and then went back to sleep after I took my meds. I didn’t want to get up. I wanted to get up at 1230 but it was more like 1330. I had some coffee and some waffles. I feel like shit. My tooth still hurts. I was pain free for a few hours but it didn’t last long. I brushed my teeth when I got up as I didn’t do it yesterday. I was in such a rotten mood yesterday. I am still in that mood today.

I went to my room after I had coffee. I looked at the responses from the students, trying to pick the easiest one but it was hard. I picked on and responded and then picked another. I had to pick two for credit. Now I just need to take notes on the slides which I am having trouble. I have a headache. I just want to sleep. I made another cup of coffee. I don’t care that it’s 1600. I wanted three cups of coffee today. My brain needs it, dammit.

It’s warm today. I was sweating in my kitchen. I am nice and cool in my room with the AC running. I wish my tooth would stop hurting. It is so annoying. I hope I don’t have to go back to the dentist. I just got a bill from when I went last month. There goes the extra money I was hoping to have for my “real” ID.

I am so tired despite sleeping through the night. I had some weird dreams about work. I kept processing green tops. I honestly don’t know what it is like to wake up feeling refreshed, like you have slept enough. I sleep for three hours and I can feel like I am ready to go and it is like 1am, which isn’t ideal! It truly sucks. I am trying to do my school work but I keep resisting and I don’t know why. I just need to get it done. I wish my damn brain would “wake up”. I hate this fog that I feel enveloped in. I feel so cloudy. That’s why I wanted coffee because sometimes it breaks it up. Except I don’t think it is happening today. I just feel so drained.

I meet with my psychiatrist on Tues. I am going to tell him I had Cotard’s syndrome back in 2022. I think it’s important for him to know. I didn’t think the cognitive symptoms of depression would be this bad this early in the semester. I am trying to push through but it is so hard. I feel like I am pushing through cement at times. I still haven’t left the house. I haven’t showered since Wed or Thurs. I don’t remember the day. It was when I shaved last so probably Thurs. I go up on the Topamax tomorrow. I will be at 100 mg a day. I know it can cause cognitive blunting too. I think it more depression than med related. My mood sucks. I am apathic as fuck. Anhedonia is so high right now. None of my friends gets it. I keep getting asked why, like there has to be a reason. There never is a reason. You just are.

Depressed and slow moving

I was up between the hours of 2 and 5am last night. I couldn’t sleep and I had to pee a few times because I was thirsty. I never left the house today. I woke up with a headache and I just couldn’t get myself to move with any type of speed. Around 11 I took my meds and then laid back down for a bit. I think I got up around noon to have my first cup of coffee. My DMH worker texted me to see if we were still on. I said we were but by 1 I knew I wasn’t going to be leaving the house. I asked if we could talk on the phone. I was stressing about the discussion paper that is due today. The professor sent an email reminding us it was due. I just felt paralyzed by depression today. It was creeping into my thoughts. I don’t feel well because of the headache and toothache. I don’t want to do a damn thing. I am so damn tired. I still have to do the slides for class and write them in my notebook. I have so much to do and I don’t want to do it. And it is only the second week of class!! Fuck. I am so screwed.

I just submitted the discussion. I misspelled discussion. Oh well. Sue me. I got the thing done. Now I got to reply to two classmates over the weekend. This class is so time consuming. I think I am going to go to bed early tonight. It doesn’t matter what time I go to bed, I will still be up in the middle of the night. I went to bed around 10pm last night as I was paying attention to the game as it went into extra innings. They lost. I didn’t listen to it because my head hurt. I don’t plan on listening tonight.

I made pizza for supper tonight. It’s the only thing I had to eat all day. I just haven’t been hungry. Monday I will try and go to social security for my gender marker change. I need to get it done so that the hospital stops sending me emails telling me to contact registration to update my gender change. I wish you could just email the document to them and be done with it but nope, you need to bring it in person.