Category: depression

Migraines have returned

I got a headache before the game started last night and by the time the game was tied and went into extra innings, it became a migraine. I took my meds and after the Sox won the game, I went to sleep. I slept for about six hours. I woke up around 430 to pee. I still had a headache so I took the new migraine med. I took two pills thinking the higher dose might be helpful. It didn’t do shit. I woke up feeling like my head was going to implode. I could barely think. I stayed in bed most of the morning and afternoon. I took some Excedrin. I eventually got up to take my meds. I still had to take a shower and shave. I just couldn’t get myself to move. Class was out of the question. So of course the group wanted to meet today. Around 1230, one of the students in my group said she wasn’t going to be in class. There are six of us so only four would be there as I wasn’t going to be there either. We decided to meet on zoom for this evening.

I finally took a shower and then had some coffee. I made a steak. I thought I was able to make it medium rare and I cooked it too long, again. I suck at cooking beef. It was still nice and juicy. I had to remember to keep the pieces small so I didn’t choke on it. It was a very good piece of meat.

My head feels like it is being squeezed right now. I just took my migraine med and a Robaxin for the chest wall pain. I also took some Sudafed as my sinuses feel congested. It is so warm today. After my shower, I was sweating in the kitchen. I didn’t wear a shirt. It’s cool in my room with the ceiling fan. My best friend just called me. She texted me last night and told me she has breast cancer. She doesn’t even remember texting me. She called to tell me she has breast cancer. She is still in shock. I feel so bad. But I know she will pull through it. She is a strong woman, one of the strongest I ever known.

Two buses for groceries

I was up half the night again. I just couldn’t sleep. I got hungry so had a bagel at like 4am. I figure I would be up. I had taken a trazodone but it didn’t work. After I ate, I felt sleepy and slept most of the morning. I had to go to the grocery store because I needed half and half and I wanted steak. I didn’t want to go to two stores. The store that is two miles away has a better meat selection than the one down the street from me. I had to take two buses to get there. It would have been easier if I had a car. It took me an hour and a half to spend five minutes for three items that came to twenty bucks. Meat and cream is expensive. I also bought a bottle of steak sauce as I am out.

My sister had sent a text about leftovers. I said I would eat it but by the time I got up, my niece had thrown it away. I thought I would have potato salad but it was thrown out as well. There was chocolate cake so I had that. I need to rest before I cook the steak. I am wicked tired. I still need to finish the article for class. There are questions I need to answer. I am just having trouble with the material itself because I came from a low Socio-economic level growing up.

I don’t have ANY regrets about top surgery but this chest pain that I feel every day sucks. I don’t know if it is because I didn’t build muscle or it is the loss of muscle. Whatever the cause, I am in pain every day and I have to take the Robaxin around the clock in order for the pain to be controlled. It’s the only thing that helps it. I am in a very depressed mood today. I feel useless and worthless. It took all my energy to go out today. Someone has been using my half and half so I needed to get some more or I wouldn’t have any for tomorrow. Coffee has motivated me to go out. At the grocery store I went to today, there was a Starbucks. I thought about getting something but my funds are running low. If I got something today, I wouldn’t be able to get anything for tomorrow before class.

I was hoping to shave and shower today but I just don’t have the energy. It took a lot to just go to the store and I still need to make dinner. I hope I can be up early tomorrow and be able to shave and shower before I leave for class. Yesterday I left a little later than I did last week and I still was a half hour early so I don’t have to leave so early for class but I do have to be up before 11.

Can’t sleep

I was resting but not really sleeping when my med alarm went off. I thought it was odd as it was like 11pm. Then I remember I had set it for the Robaxin and I was kicking myself as it woke me up. My CRPS foot has been flared up the past couple of hours. I took some pain meds and gaba. I also took some Benadryl for sleep. But my brain is refusing to shut down. I just started a new book that I got from the library and the first chapter is good. I am going to like this book.

A friend of mine that I knew from Twitter mentioned a syndrome where you think you are dead or think you have dead limbs. I researched it and found that I had this for a few weeks in 2022 when I was catatonic. It wasn’t until I was back on a therapeutic dose of Latuda that the delusions stopped. It is a rare syndrome so of course I would get it. It does happen to people who have delusions and are catatonic. I want to reach out to my psychiatrist about this but I don’t know what exactly to say.

I finally changed my sheets and I am so happy I was able to put them on on the first try. The last time it took a few tries to get it right. I am going to try and keep my bed clear this time so I can change my sheets better. I have just two sets and alternate between the two. I had a gray set but I have no idea where it went.

I started doing research for my paper and I am happy to see that one of the suicidologists I follow wrote a paper on the HPA axis and suicide. I was wondering if there was anyone in the field that looked at this that I knew. I didn’t tell my professor that I was an autodidact suicidologist. My brain wasn’t completely functioning as I was composing the email so I just said I had an interest in suicide. She hasn’t responded to the email.

I was reading the discussion paper for class this week. It’s on the socio-economic-status and brain thickness. I read a couple pages until I couldn’t concentrate anymore. Then I laid down to try and sleep. It is a lengthy paper that will take me some time to read. I thought these papers were going to be shorter than this.

For some reason, when I last used my electric razor, it caused skin irritation. Now I have a break out of zits on my neck and it is so painful. I hate it. I shaved today and it was ok until now. It’s wicked itchy. I might have to let the beard grow back in again. I can’t seem to keep the goatee look for long.

Sept is suicide prevention month

September is suicide prevention month. Last night I was reading my assigned chapter when it gave a few sentences about suicide and glucocorticoids being found in childhood abuse victims. I found this interesting. I read the abstract but it was way over my head as it was talking about receptors and gene types. I asked my psych professor if I could do the final on it. I think it would be interesting to research as suicide is my main thing I like to research. I know I talk about the treatment of it with therapy but if there can be a pill to take, that would be good, too. Imagine not being suicidal anymore by taking a pill. Anyway, reading this before bed, got me hyper and thinking so it was hard to sleep. I had some weird dreams. I don’t remember them though and they didn’t give me a headache.

I got up around 11. I took my meds and then went downstairs. I brushed my teeth before I had coffee. I still need to shave my head. I had two cups of coffee and some oatmeal as I was starving. The party was good. I had a lot of food. I had woken up around 3 to pee and then was up for about an hour. I was hungry but we are out of bread so I couldn’t make a sandwich. I wish I had known we were out of it as I would have ordered it on my peapod order. I thought we had one more loaf but we didn’t. I will get two loaves on Wed when my food stamps come in. I need to get more half and half as well. I am also going to try and get some turkey breast. It’s been a while since I had a turkey sandwich. My niece had made mac and cheese so I had that for lunch. I had my third cup of coffee with it. I need all the caffeine today.

I cleared off my bed. I just need to change my sheets and wash my comforter. I plan on doing that after I write this blog. My feet are cold so I don’t want to wash the comforter just yet. It’s a cool day again. I am loving this weather. I hope it stays like this but I know it won’t. It never does. I have a fairly free week aside from class. I see my DMH worker on Friday. I am going to try and leave early that day and go to the social security office so I can change my gender marker. It’s the last thing I need to do aside from getting my passport changed. I also need to get a “real” ID from the state. Getting the money for it has been hard the last few months. I would have the money if I wasn’t paying for my damn meds every month. I hate that they did away with the deductible. It really sucks. I am paying like $100 a month on my meds, sometimes more if I get everything.

I am getting tired so I am going to stop here. Until tomorrow, readers.