Category: depression

Hot and stormy

I woke up because my sister wanted to tell me she was self-cleaning the oven and that my niece’s boyfriend was home. I got up to make some coffee. I wasn’t on the porch too long before the heavens opened up and it was lightening and thunder. I luckily took the chair cushions in the house. My sister had recycle on the porch but I didn’t have time to take it in. oh well. It was like 1000 degrees in my kitchen. I brought my second cup of coffee to my room.

I was hungry but didn’t know what to eat. I decided I wanted burgers so I went to the Square. I had my prescription to pick up and a library book too. I walked in one big circle. I had just missed the bus going home so I had to wait a half hour. I thought about getting some Starbucks but I am low on funds. I have just enough for a drink and a sandwich Thurs. I want to eat the egg, potato, bacon, and sausage wrap before I donate my blood. I will be in Boston all afternoon that day as I have appointments.

I got a call from the therapy place. They used my deadname in their message and when I called to correct them, they blew me off. I was so pissed. I am glad I listened to the voicemail as the transcription of the message didn’t include the day or time of the appointment. It’s this Monday for intake. Fun. I just hope I am up in the morning.

So I got the book, No Right To An Honest Living by Jacqueline Jones. It is much bigger than I thought it would be. I hope I can finish it in two weeks but something tells me I am not. This is why I love owning my books. I tried getting this on Amazon but it wasn’t available. Even the few bookstores in my area didn’t have it. I might have to order it somewhere online where it is in stock. My former coworker did an interview with her.

The Sox game is in rain delay so I can start reading the book. I am tired even though I had a cup of coffee with dinner. I made two burgers. They were yummy. I will have a couple tomorrow, too.

Short things

I managed to brush my teeth and shower today. I also went to the pharmacy and picked up my meds. I was disappointed they didn’t have my ice cream in stock. I wanted to reward myself for the trip out. I was going to go to the library but I just never made it out that way. I will try tomorrow. I have decided I am going to just take a cab to the police station and then take the T back home. I think that will be easier for than trying to manage bus routes.

I sort of crashed after my shower. I laid down, not even dressed, and snoozed a bit. It’s hot today and I have my AC on so it’s cool in my room. Sox will be playing tonight. I thought they would be off as they are playing interleague but I guess it is a three game series. They won last night. I had sort of given up on them after the 4^th run. They won 8-6. The Celtics are on a tear right now. I am so happy for them.

I haven’t done anything and I am so tired. I had a bad dream last night that woke me up around midnight. It was hard to settle down and then I started reading Moby Dick and it held my interest for a few chapters. I got a few requests for signed books. I will send them out at the end of the month. I just hope I have enough package envelopes. Might need to get more.

I keep having fleeting thoughts of ending my life. They don’t last more than a few minutes but in those minutes, I am pondering of going through with it. The meds I want to use are in a lock box so it will take some time to get to. I just wonder why I am here. It hurts so much to live. I just don’t get it. Part of me wants to reach out to my case worker but I don’t want to go to a crisis team or something. I see my psychiatrist next week. I see everyone next week and I donate blood.

Haunted me so stunningly

I wanted to go to the police station today. I didn’t. I then decided I was going to the library. I still haven’t left the house for anything. My chest hurts and my bladder is a little irritated for whatever reason. I have been going to the bathroom like every hour or two. It is annoying. I haven’t eaten anything today except a little asparagus. I don’t know what I want to eat. My choices are limited. I might make a bologna sandwich.

I slept good but I still feel fucking tired. Just getting out of bed was so hard today. I only got up because I had to pee. I did brush my teeth and shaved my head some as I missed a couple of spots yesterday. I am liking the baldness. Only thing that stinks is that my head is itchy all the time. I don’t know if I can put lotion on my head.

I can’t believe in two days my book will be available via ebook. I can’t wait. I have been sharing it everywhere to try and get people to look at it. I can’t wait to share it with my pcp when I see her next week.

I am depressed. I wasn’t able to do anything today and it bothers me so much. I tried working on the corner I didn’t do yesterday. I got too overwhelmed. I took out my recycle instead. I’m in a fuck it mood. I am eating fig newtons. I had a bologna sandwich and two oreos. I feel like fucking shit and do so day after day. I never have a good day anymore. Or if I do, I end up with severe pain at night. Past five nights, my CRPS pain has been awful. Like I can’t sleep kind of pain. I often don’t go to sleep until close to midnight most nights because I am so uncomfortable. My foot is hurting now but it will get worse later. I know it is probably because the weather has been going up and down. I am feeling so depressed and it happens nearly every night around the same time. I also get sleepy.

I took my night meds early. Sox are playing the Phillies tonight. Pivetta is pitching and I am mixed over whether or not to listen to the game. If he doesn’t get run support, he loses in a big way. There hasn’t been a consistent pitcher on the team all season.

Did a few errands

I woke up at 8 and took my meds. I didn’t get up right away as I was still tired but I got up around 11. I made coffee but I only had enough half and half for one cup. I had my coffee and then shaved my head and face. I had taken off the top of my head last night. I think I look ok. I shaved off most of the stubble and left a goatee.

After I did that, I called a cab so I could go to the market. I wanted to get a Ben and Jerry’s too but they didn’t have the flavor I like. I just got the half and half. Then I took the bus home. I made another cup of coffee and realized I didn’t finish my first cup. Oops. I just mixed it with the new cup. I went up to my room after I finished it and washed the cup. I haven’t eaten anything today, yet. I have been having peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because I am so indecisive. I might make a black bean burger for dinner.

I have decided to attack the area around my desk so I can get the computer, monitor, and printer out. I am just going to put it on my front lawn and if anyone wants to take it, feel free. Otherwise, it is in the trash Thurs.