Category: depression

Migraine siege continues

I am on day four of headache/migraine. My neuro emailed me late last night and I responded. She agreed to put me on steroids to see if it breaks the cycle. I woke up with a headache. I haven’t taken anything for it. I had breakfast and strong coffee. Then I took a nap for a couple of hours. I didn’t get to sleep last night till after 2am. My head was hurting so bad that I couldn’t rest. I was also drinking a lot and knew I would have to pee eventually.

I did some school work before I took a nap. I figure I get that out of the way. I did some research for my build a brain project. I have no clue what the fuck I am doing. This has to be done electronically and I have no idea how to draw. I suck at it. Gonna see if my niece who is an art major can do it for me.

I had to make the ground beef that I took out before it went bad. I still don’t know what I am going to do with it. As I was cooking it, the wind came through the house as the back door was open. It cause neuropathy pain and my headache became a migraine. I feel like my frontal lobes are being crushed. It is hard to think so this blog is not going to be long. I need to lay down. I hope the steroids have a chance to work by tomorrow.

Day 3 of migraines

I woke up a little before my med alarm went off. I had to pee. I felt good, which was really weird but it didn’t last long. By noon, I got a migraine. I took my meds and then got dressed as I had to leave for my doctor’s appointment. I walked to the new train station. I didn’t know where the entrance was as I hadn’t been there before. I walked like three blocks and was out of breath. It was flat walking so I think the migraine had something to do with it. I wasn’t walking fast. I knew I was going to be early for my appointment and I was by a half hour. I got winded again as I walked to the building. I had to sit along the street before I got to the building for a little bit. I was wicked early so I could rest for a bit.

I got to the office and the covering medical assistant was rude. I asked for her name and she just looked at me like I was stupid. She never told me her name. My doc was late. But that was ok. She is awesome. We had a long visit. She ordered an EKG. Everything was normal and I told her my concerns. She assured me it wasn’t an aneurysm. The neuropathy was definitely migraine related, which I was relieved about. I had posted about this on Facebook and my high school best friend kept telling me to get an MRA done to rule out an aneurysm. She had one when her migraine was bad but didn’t know it and she was in her 20s. She could have died. I am grateful she didn’t. But every time I get these stupid headaches I always freak out because I get these weird symptoms. My face becomes numb so I think I am having a stroke.

I messaged my neuro before I left the house as this is the third day of migraine activity and I really do not want to go back to the ED to be admitted for fluids and IV Depakote. I asked if going on steroids again would be worthwhile or just waiting out the Topamax as the dose is at 100 mg a day now. I am really hurting. My head is alternating between crushing pain/pressure and pins and needles in addition to just being painful. I told the neuro that I was having the crushing pain and pressure as that is what sent me to the ED Labor Day weekend. The nurse sent the message to the neuro but I haven’t heard back. I hope she doesn’t respond in a week like last time.

After my appointment, I went grocery shopping. I also waited for my sister who was working in the area. We rode the train home together but she was meeting her girlfriend after work. It was still nice to see her. The bus that I got on broke down two stops before my stop. Luckily, the next bus was right behind it and we got on. I thought about going to the pharmacy but my groceries had already been out for about an hour and I didn’t want to keep them out any longer. I will go tomorrow. My doc wants me to go out more often so I will go out tomorrow and pick up my meds. I walked a lot today. I am so fucking tired. I should sleep well tonight, I hope.

Insomnia strikes again

I was up from like 230 till like 0800. I woke up after a few hours of sleep and I just couldn’t settle down. I read some and the book just kept sucking me in, wanting me to keep turning the page. I love this book. It is really interesting. I was supposed to go grocery shopping but I never did. It took a lot of effort for me to get up. I ended up taking all of my meds and my T shot before 7am. I set the alarm for 10am but I was awake before then. My bladder kept waking me up to pee. I had drank nearly two bottles of Powerade. I was so thirsty. I had a headache but I didn’t want to take anything for it. I figure fluids and rest might help it. So I did drink a liter of water when I was up today. I had two cups of coffee. I wasn’t really hungry today. I made something to eat around 5ish. I took out some ground beef. I have no idea what I am going to do with it. I am either going to make a dirty gravy, tacos, or Shepard’s pie.

I called my pcp’s office when I got up today to tell them about the shortness of breath episode I had yesterday. It was scary as I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance. I just couldn’t catch my breath for a few minutes. Then I started getting palpitations and they lasted more than fifteen minutes. I have an appointment tomorrow to see my pcp which means I have to miss class again. I am not happy about this but my health comes first. I can’t be walking around campus short of breath.

I had sent a text to my DMH worker last night to tell her about my psychiatrist said about therapy. She responded and then I responded and then she called me. We talked for about a half hour. I told her I had a plan of brushing my teeth, shaving, reading the discussion article, showering, then answering the questions. I am still working on the questions. She said that was a good plan. I am glad I showered. It didn’t help the headache though. Nothing helped. So I ended up taking some Excedrin. I feel so shitty still. Depression is bad. I feel like my family hates me and I am a burden to them. I know it is just the depression talking. I don’t want to do anything but lie down. My DMH worker said that rest was ok. But I feel guilty because there is so much I have to do. I have like four bags of recycling in my room that needs to be brought down to the bins. I need to wash my sheets. Eventually, I will need to make space for my AC again. But I don’t think I will have to worry about that till the end of Oct. It still gets warm in my room. I am going to finish my school work and then maybe read a few chapter of the book I am interested in. It’s called Finlay Donovan is Killing it by Elle Cosimano. It’s a great book.

I’m falling

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I thought I had set my alarm for 10 but I didn’t. I got up to pee and then I took my meds but I didn’t look at the time. When I did, I found that it was the time I was supposed to meet with him. Fuck. I quickly got on my laptop and thank god it didn’t give me trouble. It sort of didn’t connect to the internet and I was freaking out that I would have to reboot. It seems like every appointment I have computer issues. But the internet connected and I was able to log on. I realized once the video connected, I wasn’t wearing a shirt and I was too lazy to grab one. I just kept the camera focused on the upper shoulders above my neck. I had sent him a message last night about Cotard’s syndrome. He was grateful for it. We talked about it today. He didn’t realize how sick I was after my overdose. I really became quite psychotic and delusional. He is glad I am no longer that way anymore but it’s important for him to know this so that it doesn’t happen again. Meds saved me. I know that if I wasn’t back on an antipsychotic and antidepressant I would not be okay. I know I am still depressed but the suicidality is not there any more.

It took all the energy I had to get dressed and go to class today. I had dreams that caused a migraine and headaches. I woke up with a headache so took some ibuprofen. Fifteen minutes before class, I got a migraine. I was wearing sunglasses and kept them on throughout class. It was kind of bright with the lights and outside. The migraine just got worse as I tried to pay attention. We spent some time with the group. We finally picked a topic that I think is going to be difficult to explain to 12-13 year olds. I have no idea what I am going to present. I left after class instead of meeting with the group. I had to go home and get some meds in me. I had neuropathy pains and that is not good. I needed to take some gaba and the other migraine meds.

I came home and threw a pot pie in the oven and then took my meds. I then opened my laptop and just been doing research the past few hours. I picked an article as the professor assigned another presentation today. This makes like five things I think. If she assigns something else, I am going to lose it. So far I have to build a brain, group presentation, weekly discussions, final paper, 3 exams, quizzes, and this research paper. I just emailed the professor about the article I picked. I just read the abstract. It seems interesting. I told the professor I was an autodidact suicidologist. Fuck it. I was in that kind of mood. Problem is that I have been looking at treatment modalities the past 10 years. Not really looking at the brain. Now I am looking at brain things. Unfortunately, it is all deceased brains from what I have been reading so far. I asked the professor if I can use the article from the suicidologist that I follow. It’s a review article, not empirical. I hope she will accept it.

I am so tired. I just took my night meds. It felt like I was walking in mud today. While walking to the station today, I had to stop and rest because I became very short of breath. I need to call my pcp tomorrow. I had palpitations with it. I seriously thought I would have to call an ambulance if it didn’t settle down. It scared me. I still have a slight headache. My sinuses are draining into my throat. I am just glad my tooth is better. When I came home, everything from the neck up hurt. I will be going to bed soon. I hope I don’t have any weird dreams like last night. It was another trauma filled night. OMG. The migraines were terrible. I should have taken something when my med alarm went off. I would probably not be in as much pain as I am in right now. It is just hard to gauge. I am also running low on my migraine meds. It sucks I only get 10 pills for the month. Trying to make them stretch is so hard. This is because the insurance company says so, not because the doctor says so. It’s so damn stupid.