Category: depression

Saturday Blog 03022024

My sister was able to print out my disability paperwork that I needed. It makes me sad because I used to be able to walk where ever and now I need to stop every hundred or so feet. Just walking to the bus stop some days can be a challenge and it isn’t that far a walk. I am also worried that my pcp won’t see me as disabled because I have been able to get to her office. It takes me a long time to get there because it is a far walk. I could take a shuttle but I don’t know where the stop is as they have moved it. I figure if I walk, it will do me some good, mentally. Physically, it just taxes me. I am often exhausted by the time I reach her office. There have been times where my vital signs were elevated because I just got to the office and was flustered. Usually by the time I have seen my pcp and sat for a few minutes longer, everything goes to normal.

I am having wicked brain fog today. I have been trying to do some school work and haven’t been getting anywhere. I looked at the blackboard for my psych class as I wanted to focus on that today and just took a quiz. I got one answer wrong and I am struggling to remember what the guy is known for. I’ll look him up in a little bit.

I feel so sad all of a sudden. I think my anxiety is getting the better of me today because the brain fog is so bad. I also have tightness in my chest from sleeping on my side for so long. It isn’t helping with the anxiety. I just feel so hopeless. Like what the hell am I doing? I feel like an imposter of some kind.

I showered and brushed my teeth. I had some of my casserole. It always tastes better the second day. Now I want a PB&J sandwich but I don’t think we have any bread. I have been meaning to get to the grocery store but just haven’t been able to. Maybe I can go tomorrow. Maybe my brother in law will take me.

I feel so overwhelmed right now with stuff I need to do for class and my brain just not being there. I am so tired. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and I just lay there trying to get back to sleep. Sometimes I have to pee which wakes me up for a few hours. Lately, I have been waking up to take my meds and not wanting to do much else. I don’t know if it is the depression or what. I am struggling with the cognitive functions. I keep thinking of when I was catatonic and how I just became psychotic and delusional. I felt like everyone knew my thoughts. I’ve come a ways since then but I am still worried about that period of my life. I like to think I have recovered but the PTSD of it all is still there. I haven’t been as depressed as I have in the past. I tend to have better days as I am coping better. I am using radical acceptance a lot more as well as being mindful at times.

Listening to 3 doors down

The construction workers were listening to Kryptonite on their radio so I decided to listen to their greatest hits album. One side of my house had to be gutted because it was full of rotten wood. It was so noisy. I made my casserole and a roast chicken. I had the roast chicken for lunch. I plan on having the casserole for supper. It took me three hours to make. I am tired. I left a couple of pans and I need to clean the stove as the chicken pot spilled over. I am waiting for the stove to cool down before I clean it. It is hot right now.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I went to bed around 8 and then around 11 I was up for a couple of hours. I was too tired to read so I just tossed and turned. I got hot so took my tshirt off. I didn’t sweat so much so I might have to sleep topless so I don’t sweat. I wanted to shower today and I still might. Though I am feeling really tired right now so it might not happen.

I got an email from my LTD company. I have to submit paperwork to prove that I am still disabled. I hope my pcp goes along with what I write. Last night I had a bad night of pain that kept me up for a few hours. I just wanted to sleep because I was so tired but the pain was so bad. It felt like each bone in my foot was being crushed individually. My foot still hurts but it is just buzzing right now. I made sure to sit while I worked on the casserole.

I don’t know if I am going to do any schoolwork today. I really don’t have the brain power as I am so tired and my head hurts. I was able to get some kind of thing from the makers of my migraine med so I hope they can cover some of the cost of the copay I have to pay. I just don’t know how much they will cover until next week. I got $30 left in my account so we’ll see. I don’t know if I have the beginning of a migraine or not. I have some nerve pain on the top of my head. I just took some ibuprofen. Last night I was ready for bed by 630pm. It is almost 5pm and I am struggling to stay awake. I just want to lie down but I know if I sleep, I run the risk of waking up around midnight and being up half the night. I still need to finish the chapter I started last weekend. I think tomorrow I am going to split my time between studying for psych and reading Anthro. I have a quiz next week in my psych class and I want to try and remember the people I need to know and the things they did as well as the thirty some odd terms in the chapter. I don’t know how many will be on the quiz. I am nervous. Hope I don’t blank out.

Yesterday I had therapy. She wanted me to feel accomplished or something because I radically accepted Tues as being a day of struggle. Then she said that she thinks I think I am a victim. WTF I have no idea what she means and time was up so I didn’t get into it.

Today I struggled to get up. I thought about skipping class. But I got up and got dressed. I am tired but am to move without struggle. I went to Starbucks and had something to eat even though I wasn’t hungry. I had my latte. That was really all I wanted. I’ve been sweating since I left the house. I dressed too warm. It isn’t that cold out today. I probably didn’t need my jacket but it had my candy and earbuds.

Class was about the brain, which was a review for me at this point. I’ll read the chapter Sat. I need to space out my readings.

Tomorrow I plan on making the chicken broccoli casserole. It is an all day affair. Hope my sister will take some chicken breast as I won’t be using the whole package. I think there are like five breasts and I will use three. I might boil the chicken tonight when I get home so it saves me a step. I’m kind of tired so idk. I also need to eat something. I don’t know what to make. Maybe I’ll roast a chicken.

This was how I felt yesterday