Category: depression

Listening to 1989TV again

I had blank space in my head so I have been listening to 1989TV again. I had therapy and got up a half hour before the appointment. I made a cup of coffee. Someone has been using my half and half and I only had enough for two cups today. I wanted to go to the grocery store but I just couldn’t bring myself to go for just one item. So much walking for just one thing. I will go tomorrow after class. I wish the grocery store in the square didn’t close. It was so convenient to get it there and then go to Starbucks or pick up my meds.

Therapy went ok. We talked about what she meant about being the victim. She has it in her head that I identify as my illness. I told her that wasn’t the case. I am a person with depression not a depressed person. I get the difference. Sometimes it feels like the depression has me. Other days it doesn’t feel that way. Lately I have been depressed and my therapist is attributing it to the season and me. I hate when she says that because it makes me feel like the depression is my fault or she is blaming me for being depressed.

My pcp got my disability paperwork. They wanted a blank copy as they didn’t like what I wrote in my restrictions. Fuck. I hope she doesn’t say I have no restrictions or I am fucking screwed. I am so fucking nervous about this. I wish I could look at what she will write before she posts it.

I am feeling tired today. I was up for a few hours last night so I finished the psych chapter I started yesterday. It was review for me. The professor posted the slides from yesterday’s lecture. I don’t know if we are having an in person quiz or if it is just online. I’ll find out tomorrow. Anthro professor just send a bunch of questions per reading that he assigned this week for discussion. I am too tired to answer the questions today. I will work on it on Friday.

I need to shower and trim my beard. I thought about taking one today but so far I don’t have the energy for it. I don’t even have the motivation to just trim my beard. My hair is getting longer on top. Might need a trim by the end of the month. I am letting the sides and back grow. I stopped shaving them for a few weeks now. I really liked it when it was shaved but it was a lot of effort.

Lectures

I finally figured out how to listen to the lectures in my Anthro class. I sent like an hour listening today and then my brain went dead. I had to take a nap. I had a flare last night so I was up till at least 0200. It was so rough. I read the Anthro chapter I was supposed to and this book is so much easier than the other book to read.

I had tea today instead of coffee because I needed something that would help my brain. Tea can helps me focus better than coffee can. I had two cups. I haven’t had anything to eat. I want to order a pizza but I need to have money for my meds. I have just $15 left to last me until the end of the month. I was able to have my Effexor delivered so I didn’t have to go to the Square today. I was supposed to go to the post office but never did. I will go tomorrow before going to campus.

I am wicked tired.

I started this post last night and never finished it. I went off to go to campus for class but I didn’t realize there would be shuttle buses. I forgot my headphones so just came home. I plan on reading the chapter to make up for class. I would have gone if I had music to keep me company. Thurs I will go a different route to avoid the buses.

I feel tired despite sleeping a lot last night. I woke up around midnight to pee and then went back to sleep, not getting up until around 9. I am glad my chest didn’t do the cramping it does when I lay on my side for so long. I had a hard time getting out of bed but I made it to the post office and the Square. I wish I knew they were closing the damn subway down. I thought it was just at night they were closing the stations. Fuckers. Totally messed up my day.

I’ve been watching the video of Luke Combs and Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car. Makes me so happy to see her again. I absolutely love this song so much. He has brought this song back to life. The duet was so fucking good.

I mailed off my disability paperwork. The woman from DMH called me while I was waiting for the bus home. I have a zoom appointment with her on Mon. I am kind of nervous about it because I don’t really know what kind of services I need. I also don’t know if she is my case worker or not. I have waited over a year for services. I hope they can be of some help.

I had a prescription to pick up and one of my favorite pharm techs was there. I hadn’t seen her in so long. It was good talking to her for the few minutes. It’s only 4pm and I am ready for bed again. I need to read before I fall asleep so I am going to stop here for now.

Why does my brain hurt?

I had to pee at like 9, around the time my med alarm went off. I took my meds and then went back to sleep. I didn’t want to get up. I had no interest in coffee or school work. But I needed to submit my quiz with a better score. It was bugging me that I got an answer wrong. I addressed the disability paperwork and included the books for the program that I bought like two months ago. By like 3pm, I was exhausted. I wanted to go back to sleep and I was only up for two fucking hours. My head hurt. I could think but even that took some doing. I hadn’t eaten anything yet. I did my med boxes for the week.

I heated up the casserole I made the other day. It was so good but I put a hefty helping and couldn’t finish it. I was really thirsty and drank my Gatorade. I also had some water. I didn’t want another cup of coffee. I had two. I read some of my Anthro. I had to re-read an article because I forgot what it was about. Then when I read it, I remembered. There are a few readings before the lecture. I will probably spend tomorrow going through all of it.

I feel so depressed again. Nothing really set me off. I just felt really low. I just want to sleep and not wake up. I’m not suicidal. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I am struggling and I don’t know who to talk to about it. I don’t see my therapist till Wed. The disability stuff always gets me down because it reminds me of what I can no longer do, which is work and walk. I had another night where I didn’t sleep. I read for an hour, which is why I was so tired this morning and didn’t want to get out of bed. I just don’t know how to tell my therapist I am struggling when I had a good session with her last week. Even though it was a good session, she ended it with a comment that I am still angry about. She has it in her head that I am a victim. I’m not entirely sure I understand where she is coming from with this. I know I am not a victim. I never was. It isn’t my kind of game.

I got a call from the DMH and when I returned the call, it didn’t go to voicemail, just a beep. I left a message but haven’t heard back. Maybe I will this week. I am not good at callbacks. But I made an effort. I don’t know what they can offer me. I will have to find out. I know college is giving me a purpose right now and I am focusing my energy on it. I just wish I knew where this Anthro class was taking me. It is all over the place. Driving me nuts. Our first exam is in a couple of weeks. Maybe I will find out then what this is about.