Category: depression

You’re not sorry

Taylor’s song has been in my head all day so naturally became my title for the day. I went to campus and it was so hard. I felt ok getting to the Square and going to Starbucks but by the time I had finished eating my breakfast sandwich, I was tired. As I walked to the station to head to campus, my legs felt so heavy. I took my time going to the Hall but was out of breath by the time I got there. I had a hard time getting going today. It was so fricken cold with the wind bringing the temps down by like 15 degrees. Otherwise, it would have been a nice day.

I didn’t think I was going to make it through class. I was so tired I kept spacing out. One of the questions I got partly right so I felt good about that. We left after an hour. The ride home sucked. The train was so fricken slow. It took me an hour and a half to get home. I was so damn tired. I thought about ordering a pizza but I think I am just going to have a PB&J. I need to get more bread. I don’t know when I will be able to get to the grocery store. I wanted to take out chicken for making a casserole but I forgot. I bought like 5 pounds of chicken breast and froze it all. I will share some with my sister when I thaw it out. It is an all day affair to make this casserole but so worth it.

My Anthro professor just sent us a link about intermediate seminars. The class, as far as I know, isn’t one but I am just taking it to fulfill the SB requirement. I am glad I did all the reading yesterday so I can focus on my psych class. I don’t think I will do anything tonight unless I can’t sleep, in which case I might finish the chapter I started the other night. I still need to start reading the other book because it is next on the syllabus.

I have therapy tomorrow. I really had to push myself today to get around and do what needed to be done. Just hope tomorrow I don’t pay for it. I never know what my energy levels are going to be or how long they will last. Sometimes just getting to Starbucks is enough to exhaust me. I had a decent sleep even though I woke up at 330 to pee and then had a difficult time getting back to sleep. I woke up a few minutes before my med alarm went off at 9. It has been a long day.

Day spent reading

I spent the day doing my Anthro readings. I also watched an hour long video about the evolution of man from chimps. I just finished the last of the readings for the week. I might read one or two articles on Wed. I have a busy day that day so I am not sure I will read.

I have class tomorrow. I went over the slides last night. I think we are still in chapter one and don’t begin chapter two until Thurs. but I could be wrong. I have been feeling tired most of the day. I woke up around 3 and found it difficult to go back to sleep.

I took a shower today. I had to because I woke up sweating again. I didn’t leave the house today as it was cold and windy. I plan on going to Starbucks early so I can get something to eat. I have been feeling kind of down most of the day. I was anxious last night and it took some doing to get to sleep. I started having flashbacks of when I was in the hospital so I took some Ativan to try and calm down. PTSD can happen any time.

My pcp’s office got back to me. I didn’t have to get more blood drawn so I am glad. I am still traumatized by the 5 sticks I had on Saturday. I thought about my mother today on and off. Yesterday marked me being ten months post op from top surgery. It still bothers me that my surgery is tied with my mother’s death. I still remember that week as a blur. My mother was pretty comatose. I tried to take care of her the best I could but I wasn’t always up for because I was recovering from surgery. It was so hard.

Another day of more bullshit

I slept pretty much ok. I woke up once to use the bathroom and then I was able to get back to sleep. I don’t remember when I woke up as my sister called me, asking if I was going to the brunch for my niece. I didn’t feel like going so I just said no. I got up and it was like 1030. I had to use the bathroom again. I stayed up and took my meds. I made coffee. I wanted Chinese today and needed some stuff so I can make a casserole. I ordered and had lunch. My groceries won’t be delivered until this evening. I don’t need them right away.

I did my med boxes for the week. I was trying to procrastinate doing vocabulary work for my psych class. There were like thirty terms. If I remember half of them by exam time, I will be in good shape. I noticed on the syllabus that exam 2 doesn’t have a date so I sent the professor an email. I am still thinking about the extra credit. I just need to find something to support my idea.

I just had CVS unenroll me in their syncscript service as I can’t be getting medications on their schedule because I have to pay for them. I can’t get one of the doses of Effexor because it is too soon. Ugh. I think I will be ok. I have this week and part of next with enough doses. I am just worried about my migraine med as it is fricken $80. Sucks.

I am having anxiety and I don’t really know why. I just did some physical activity in which I brought up my groceries. I am glad they didn’t substitute the things like they did last time. I am tired and it is only 5pm. My sister just texted me for pizza so more carbs today. Yay! I can’t say no to pizza. It is my Achilles heel.

Saturday Blog 27012024

I’ve had an interesting day. I woke up around 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I had to pee and I guess it woke me up some. I rested for an hour and then gave up. I then read one of the Anthro books for an hour and maybe got some sleep. I kept waking up sweating. I was drenched. I finally gave up sleep around 10. I had some coffee and felt like shit. I knew I was dehydrated. I felt worse after I had lunch so went to the ED.

I didn’t want to but I knew if I didn’t, I could be worse by Mon. I was trying to drink but I felt so damn lightheaded. I just wanted to lay down. I took a cab to the hospital. It was busy so it was a few hours before I was scene. My veins were not cooperating and I was stuck four times for an IV and then again when my labs came back hemolyzed. I had a feeling it was going to be so because the blood flow was not great. They did a Covid/respiratory panel and it was negative. I didn’t think I had a virus. I just needed fluids and rest. After my bag of fluid was in me, I was discharged to drink more fluids and follow up with my pcp on Mon. I am supposed to have bloodwork done on Monday but will contact the office and see if they still want labs done.

I took a cab home and I have no idea what was going on around the hospital but it was brutal going home. Once we hit the highway it was clear but it was awful. I just wanted to be in my PJs and in my bed. I also had to look up the guy I have been having trouble remembering. I got his name wrong. Edward Thorndike. I had just written a note and it wasn’t all that informative. I hate when I write something thinking I will remember what it means and I read it and have no fucking clue. I read my psych book when I came home, but only to read the stuff on Thorndike. I wasn’t going to read the chapter again, even though I probably should. I will do that tomorrow.

My Anthro class is bugging me. There is a lot to read and so far there is no theme other than anthropology. The two articles I read today were not related at all. Even the books are different cultures. Maybe it will make sense next week when I read a little more. I haven’t started the book I just bought yet. I am working my way through the book I was reading at 4am this morning.