Category: depression

Another day, another migraine

I got hit with a migraine last night so went to bed around 8. I woke up around 1030p and been up since. I tried reading for a bit but couldn’t really concentrate. My head was spinning with possible outcomes of the story. I am reading a John Grisham novel. It isn’t about lawyers, but the dead guy was a lawyer before he became a writer. The name of the book is Camino Winds. It is the second book in the series about Camino Island. A third book is out which I will get when I have some free cash, which isn’t going to be until maybe Feb. I don’t know. I am still fretting over my finances as I need to pay for meds next month and the new migraine med is going to be my most expensive because it is new. I don’t know if I will need another prior authorization for it.

I need to contact my pcp in the morning as my heart rate has been up. I have been having palpitations the last three or four days. I checked my heart rate and it was 108. Right now it is 66, which is better but I feel anxious. I took some Ativan as I don’t think I will be getting back to sleep without it. I haven’t been taking it regularly. Just when I need it.

My migraines have gotten so bad that I have become nauseous. I asked my pcp for some Zofran. I told her I didn’t need a month’s supply so she gave me some. I picked it up yesterday as I had to get my Effexor. I ran out. I hate when I forget to refill my meds. I don’t want to do the auto-refill as now I have to pay for my meds and if I don’t have the money, I can’t get them. I don’t think I will be able to get my groceries next pay period. I am stressed out about it. I think I am going to email the editor and say I will pay her probably in Feb, half and then half the next month. This way I can keep her. But the book isn’t ready yet. I want to write at least five more pages. Nothing is coming to me about what to write. I’ve become so matter of fact and concise in my writing that it is so damn hard to expand. I don’t know how writing papers again is going to be, especially if they need like five pages of something.

I was talking with someone I met on Bluesky. He said that he often has the most productive work during the morning hours, but for him it is 6 am. Mine is now, between 1 and 4 am. Why my blog is the Midnight Demon. I know when I first starting writing, it used to be like 1500 words or more at a time. Now I am lucky if I write 500. That used to be my goal but it is a struggle some days so I cut it to at least 300 words.

As I was up, I was thinking about checking on my mother. It pained me to think of her empty bed. I miss her so much. There were so many times where I would catch when her sugars were low during these hours. They mostly happened while she was in the room next to mine. They happened less frequently when she moved downstairs. I think getting up to the bathroom was easier for her. I also think that her struggling to go up the stairs caused the low sugars.

Today is T shot day so I took it now. I usually do if I am up and remember. I have no idea where I put my bag of supplies. I just pulled some out. I am hoping I can find the bag by next shot. I need to pack some stuff for the trip next weekend. I am just going to bring my jeans and sweatpants, underwear, and some long sleeve shirts in case it is freezing. I have no idea how far up in New Hampshire we will be. I hope it isn’t stressful. My sister is planning on having a dinner up there for Christmas. I think it will be nice. Hopefully the weather will be good.

Rain was pouring down I can hardly breathe

Grief is hitting me hard today. Nothing in particular set it off. I just miss my mother. It’s been eight months. So fucking hard. I got up late today as I woke up early. I didn’t want to go back to bed but I did. It was a good sleep. I wish it kept the grief away.

I have been thinking about how I have been suicidal since I was eight. I know part of me is suicidal because of not being a boy and having to suppress it for so long. I talked about this in therapy today. It was a difficult session. She wanted me to talk about my strengths but I don’t know what they are. I told her I don’t want to be alive. Last night was hard for me. I didn’t tell her I was in crisis or anything. I just don’t want to be here.

After therapy, I made lunch. I was hungry. I made a pizza. It always makes me happy. I had a coffee while it was cooking. I just had two cups today. I finally changed my bedding last night but I seemed to have misplaced my T bag. I don’t know where I put it. I might have to just get a syringe and things out just for this dose this week. I also have my migraine med this week. Tomorrow I have to go pick up my Effexor. I ran out. I meant to fill it last week and forgot.

I will be seeing my cousin on Friday. I will head south of Boston. It should be fun. I can’t wait.

Saturday Blog 09122023

I stayed in bed kind of late. I woke up in the middle of the night with another headache from dreaming. I took an Ativan and went back to sleep. Right before I woke up, I kept dreaming I was in the ED for another psych admission but it was Friday and I had to be out by Mon so I could go to work. Strange dream.

I got up and had a coffee and a sandwich. My sister bought cold cuts. My niece texted me that she was here so I went downstairs to say hello. I miss her. I haven’t seen her in a couple of weeks. I had another cup of coffee with my sister’s Keurig and it the temp was much hotter than mine. My sister said to adjust the temp so I will do that tomorrow. The coffee is hot but it doesn’t really stay hot for long. Her stayed hot for a while.

Afterwards, I went up to my room and put my sneakers on. I had to go get my meds. I still haven’t brushed my teeth yet but I will do that before bed. I am still drinking a latte I got at Starbucks. I had a package from my uncle. He sent me a 8×10 of a pic of us that we took on his birthday last weekend. It was nice of him to send it to me.

I am tired. I think tomorrow I am going to change my sheets. I have been procrastinating for a while now. I got to shave my head again. I never did it yesterday because my head was hurting so much. I am glad I am feeling better today. Yesterday was just brutal. I don’t ever remember having a headache that lasted all day before. I know it was a migraine, which is different than a headache but still. I was hurting.

I have been thinking more about my therapy “homework”. I still have no idea what I am doing. I will look up some distress tolerance stuff that I have on my phone. There is an app called DBT911 that I like. It has a few different modules to help when in distress. I haven’t been in distress. I mostly been in a numb state most of the time. I guess the increase in Effexor has helped take away the remaining depression. I am at the max dosage. I am not sure if mirtazapine is doing anything for me at this point.

Brain fog

I woke up around 3 with a headache. I stayed up for about an hour and then went back to sleep, only to continue to wake up to headaches throughout the rest of my sleep. I woke up and my head felt all fuzzy. I didn’t know if I was going to get a migraine or not but I took some meds in case. I then went and had coffee. I had two cups and still felt like shit. I tried listening to music but it hurt my head so I had to stop. It was wicked bright out and that hurt. I guess I am in sensory overload right now. I hate the brain fog. It has to be worse than being in pain. What is worse is that there is nothing that can be done about it. I am worried that this might interfere with my college studies.

I wanted to write about my therapy session yesterday but I couldn’t really focus after session. I jotted down what she wanted me to work on before next session and when I read it today, it was cryptic. I know she wanted to me to come up with other skills than what I am using but I have no idea what I meant by what I wrote. I also need to look up other skills on the DBT or CBT sites. I told her that my coping skills varies by what I need at the moment. I also told her that when she catches me trying to change the subject when a particular topic gets uncomfortable, I shut down. She wants me to find grounding stuff but I really haven’t found anything that helps me to ground when I am upset. She doesn’t want me to dissociate which I guess I do when I shut down, but it is hard staying in the moment when it is happening. I often feel like she scolds me, though she doesn’t, I guess. I don’t know.

I made sweet potatoes. They needed to be made before they went bad. I just had like half of what I made. They were so yummy. I didn’t do anything that I needed to do which was to change my bedding and do the laundry. I managed a shower last night. It fucking exhausted me. I ended up watching the new Indiana Jones movie and then went to bed. I took my meds late because I was watching the movie and forgot to take them. It was a good movie. I had bought all the films but I can’t remember if they were VHS or DVDs. I can watch it all on Disney+ so I don’t have to worry about it.

I wanted to go out to get my meds but I feel really crappy. Not even the idea of going to Starbucks is helping to motivate me to get dressed to go out so I will go tomorrow. Hope the fog is gone by then.