Category: depression

Trans joy is real

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, FTM, gender dysphoria, grief, mental disorders, mental illness, PTSD, suicide attempt, transgender

TW suicide

I am experiencing trans joy!! Much better than euphoria. I am finally me. I attended a transgender conference about gender affirming care and I resonated with the speaker. As I walked I kept looking down at my chest and wondered where my boobs were. Top surgery has been so wonderful for me. I realized I am no longer a bearded lady but a true man. As sad as I am about my mother’s death, I know it was a blessing as she was so against top surgery and I know I would not be able to handle her negative comments. I am finally happy with who I am. I may not have a perfect chest but I think the surgery went well. Last year at this time I was recovering from a suicide attempt due to dysphoria. Amazing how things can change in a year. Trans joy is real.

I vaguely remember how confused and psychotic I was. I was admitted for 30 days to a hospital on the north shore. About 2 and half weeks into the stay, I found out my surgery was postponed and I was bullshit. I wanted to die and I know if I wasn’t in the hospital, I would have tried again. As the social worker told me, this was life- saving surgery. It was so hard to believe this when my mother was dying. Too much was happening after my surgery. My mother never saw me once the bandages were off. It is just as well as the night they came off, my scar became open and I bled. I had to pack the wound for weeks. The scar isn’t pretty but I am hoping it will fade with time. I know my mother would bitch about it with her sarcastic comments that would hurt me. I am glad she isn’t around to hurt me anymore. She didn’t like me being trans and she didn’t like me getting top surgery. But I had to be me and have this surgery that was so important to my mental health.

Today was the first time I was looking for my boobs and was happy that they weren’t there anymore. I felt more confident in myself. I didn’t really meet anyone at the conference. I was way older than even the speaker of the gender affirming care presentation. I’m lucky my genes have me still look like I’m in my 20s. I’m happy I got up early for this. I was nervous because I am not a morning person and I woke up at like 330. Luckily I fell back asleep without a serious hangover effect. Otherwise I would be kicking myself for missing today’s events.

It was really hard to feel euphoria after my mother’s death. The sadness I had felt for months continued for several more months. She has been gone for six months and I am post op 6 months. It’s a happy and sad predicament. Grief is something I don’t always control. It comes in waves. Not only am I grieving my mother, but the self that was dysphoric for so long. The teenage me who didn’t understand why I had breasts in the first place. It’s a lot to process. It is especially hard with depression that has been bad all week. I never thought I would feel joy until today. I know it may not last long but I have the scars on my chest to remind me of it.

Why does it hurt to exist?

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Why does it hurt to exist?

I have been struggling past couple of days with depression. I have been forcing myself to get up and do things. Today I made myself get out of bed at 10 so I could have a cup of coffee before my cousin called. I asked him to take me to the grocery store so I can get some more coffee. I just felt really bad and just wanted to stay in but I went out and got a couple of boxes of coffee. Then I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds that I forgot yesterday. My cousin gave me some money so I could buy some candy. I had told him that chocolate was so damn expensive. I paid like $6 for a bag of Reese’s pumpkins. It didn’t ring up the sale price and I didn’t care. I probably had to use my rewards card to take a buck off. I paid and then went back to the car.

It was trash day and my brother in law is away so I brought them into the driveway. The house is empty and I am feeling the loss of my mother. It is so hard. I feel ugly and fat. I haven’t eaten anything yet. I might make a pot pie. I have a few left from the time I bought them.

I feel so ugly. I found a pic of when I was before everything in 2017. It was taken a few weeks before my name change. October is basically my transition month. I started T and legally changed my name and gender change on my license. Depression is just making everything sour. I don’t know if this is because of the EMDR session or just my regular depression hitting me hard the past few days. My cousin thinks my hair is good and he is a barber himself so he knows. I think it could be short on the sides though. I like it close.

My ankle is bothering me, the CRPS one. It was flared up yesterday, too. I don’t remember if I took pain meds or not. I have been trying to see if the pain goes away on its own, which is hard to do as it can be hours before it finally lets up. Some times it takes some gabapentin and rest. I did a lot of walking in the store because my cousin parked at the other end of the store and the coffee aisle was toward the front. I had the coffee and it is weak. I might have to hit the “strong” button on the Keurig. I hate weak coffee but I think I put too much half and half.

I need to shower as I smell but I have no fucking energy for it. I probably have to shave or trim my underarms. I can’t remember the last time I did it. I also need to start clearing my bed off so I can change the sheets. I also need to wash some clothes for the fall. I am still wearing shorts because it is warm today. I still have the AC on. I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 2330 and didn’t go back to bed until around 0400. I was coloring. I thought about reading but my mind was awake so I knew if I started reading it would get me thinking and I really wouldn’t go back to bed.

some goals accomplished today

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Some goals accomplished today

I had quite a list of to do today but after I did a bunch, I couldn’t sit at Starbucks and read like I wanted to. Today was t shot day so I did that after I had my first cup of coffee. I had to use my sister’s coffee as I am out of mine. After the shot, I brushed my teeth and shaved. My hair where I am not touching is growing and needs to be trimmed. I made an appointment with my barber for Tues. I felt so wiped out afterwards but I felt good that I shaved. I still needed to go out of the house and get my meds. SHIT I just realized I forgot to get my meds at one pharmacy. Fuck. I will do that tomorrow. I have enough meds for the week so I don’t really need it until the weekend.

I wanted to buy a comp notebook so I went to the pharmacy to get my meds and picked one up. I also wanted one of the Gatorade drinks that is for hydration. It was really warm today for October. I have the AC on as my room is really warm. I put in my mobile order for Starbucks and mailed my things I needed to. I got to Starbucks and was wicked thirsty. I drank like two cups of water before touching my coffee. I bought something to eat as I was hungry. I thought about getting something sweet but half way through eating, I just wanted to go home.

I thought about stopping at Walgreens for some chocolate but I just wanted to get home. I might get some tomorrow when I go to the grocery store. I need to have my regular coffee before I go insane. My sister has French vanilla coffee. I like it but it isn’t strong enough for me. I want my Pike’s.

I am hurting right now. Ankle has flared up. I am between a 4 and a 6 on the pain scale. I also have the beginning of a headache because I was in the sun for about a half hour. I was early for the bus, but it was late so I sat in the sun. It was really warm today, in the 80s. It isn’t humid so I don’t have to worry about storms.

I sent my pcp a message asking if I need to see a cardiologist for the EKG changes and she said the changes were mild and I can continue to be monitored by her, but if the pressure feeling comes back to call the office right away. She said I might need a stress test but it is indicated right now. I am glad I don’t have to see the cardiologist.

I am wicked tired. The exhaustion of being out for a little bit is hitting me. I pushed myself today and basically did opposite action, which is a DBT skill. I wanted to stay in bed but I went out. Saturday is a trans event that is local so I will be attending. I hope I get to meet some people. And of course it is supposed to fucking rain, again. UGH. It will be hard getting up around 0630 so I can leave the house by 0730. I have to check the bus schedule. I haven’t done commuting on a Saturday in a long time so not sure how the buses run that early in the day. It should be fun.

It’s 330am

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I woke up about a half hour ago because I had to pee. I let Pandora play and I really didn’t get into deep sleep. I couldn’t help it. They were playing 90s country and I miss hearing all these cool songs from artists that are no longer popular like they were.

I think I am going to have another session of therapy this week. My depression is bad. I hit rock bottom after our session. I don’t know why. I’m not troubled by the memories we worked on anymore. There is still other stuff I know I need to work on.

I want to go to Starbucks today and read Managing Suicidal Risk. Don’t know if I will as I haven’t slept yet. I need to shave as it has been a few days. My hair is growing back in and if I don’t shave today, I might as well let it grow in and then see my barber in a couple of weeks.

My youngest sister is going on vacation to the Dominican Republic. I need to watch my niece while they are away. Fun. My niece is 18.

I’m tired of being tired. I asked my psychiatrist if we can go up on my antidepressant. He said ok. Just hope it doesn’t fuck up my sleep. It can make me hyper. If it does, I might switch to morning so that at least I will have energy during the day.

Think I will color until Ativan kicks in. I need some sleep.