Category: depression

Saturday Blog 14102023

I had some difficulty sleeping through the night again. I was up around 0030 after dreaming and promptly had a severe headache. I took some Tylenol. And then when the headache was a little better, I read for about an hour. I wanted to read another chapter but I got tired and went back to sleep. I woke up around 530 or so with another headache after dreaming. I went back to sleep and then was in and out of sleep for the next few hours. I had a dream I was sleeping with my mother who was talking in her sleep about going to a doctor’s appointment.

I got up around 1130. I took my meds and then made coffee. I had to pick up my meds, which I thought were ready but only one was. My pain meds are still on order and won’t be in until Monday. I went to Starbucks and read for a little bit. I had to stop reading because I wanted to pause and think about what I read. It was about empathy and telling your suicidal story to a therapist. My therapist doesn’t listen to my narrative. Often times, like my past session, she will try and fix the issue I am dealing with. She then becomes irate because I don’t take this “fixing”. I am going to try and bring this up to her on Monday when I we meet.

I have thought about writing about my suicidal career for my new memoir I am writing. I wish I had written down some of the thoughts I had the other night about it. I forgot what I wanted to say and how to say it. Now I am just looking at a blank screen with some idea of what to write but not sure what exactly.

My dentist sent me a release so they can send my xrays to the dental office in Boston so I can get my broken teeth extracted. Problem is that my printer is sort of broken so I can’t print it out and then send it. I don’t have a paid PDF thing where I can transfer it to a word doc. Eating has been difficult since I broke what remained of the broken tooth and then broke the tooth next to it. It is sharp where it is broken. I have been trying to eat on the other side but I forget. It doesn’t hurt though so that is good.

I am tired just from going out. My legs felt like cement on the way home and it was just a couple of blocks that I had to walk to my house. I was wicked out of breath when I came up the stairs. I hate when I get like this. I don’t know why some days are like this and other days I am ok. Last weekend, I walked close to 6,000 steps, my most ever in one day. I still remember the joy I felt. It is hard as I haven’t been feeling that way the past few days. I have been mostly sad and depressed all week. Grief has been hitting me in waves. I miss my mother every day. Some days it is easier than others. Today isn’t one of those days.

Friday October 13, 2023

Happy Oct 13^th to all who celebrate. The only thing that has been spooky for me has been hungover all day. Last night we went to a Mexican restaurant and I had one margarita. It went to my head despite eating a lot of food. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee twice and had heartburn the whole time. I took my morning meds at 6 so I could take some Prevacid for my stomach. It helped.

I have been in a kind of weird space. Last night I was reading Thinking about Suicide and thought about writing a few pages about it as I have thought about it since I was eight years old. Mostly because I was not a boy. It was crushingly painful. I had some ideas about what to write but I didn’t write them down. Now I forgot.

Last night while I was eating my steak tacos, a piece of steak broke what remained of my broken tooth on the left side. Now the tooth next to it is broken and it is sharp. I called today to see if I can be seen to get evaluated but I need a dentist referral for it. I just hope I don’t cut my tongue on it.

I feel really shitty today. I had two cups of coffee and it did nothing for my hangover. I still need to brush my teeth and shave and I have no energy or motivation to actually do it yet. I will do it but I just am psyching myself up for it. It’s one of those days where self-care is taking the back seat. I put drops in my eyes because I think my dry eyes have returned. My left eye keeps tearing and feels like there is sandpaper in it. I wish I had an eye doctor that was closer than the one I have currently. I could go to the one in Boston but I hate that office.

I feel so tired and I have only been up for like 5 hours. I want to go back to sleep or at least lay down. I just had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as I was too lazy to make a tuna sandwich. I might have it tomorrow. I haven’t eaten much but yet my stomach feels full. It has been really weird lately. Like I eat something and it feels full all the time. Yet when I eat, I feel ravenous. I still have to be careful with what I eat as something dry will get stuck in my throat. The tacos last night had wicked dry meat. It sucked. They had a few pieces of meat and a shit ton of lettuce and cheese. I still experimenting with this restaurant to see what I like. I order something new on the menu every time I have gone.

My foot is cold. I have tried to warm it up but it refuses. Damn CRPS. I shut the ceiling fan off because it is cool today. I can’t get my pain meds until tomorrow, hopefully. I hope they have it in stock. I called the pharmacy today and was told it should be ready by 6 so we’ll see. I have to pick up my T as well. If they are ready, I will probably go to Starbucks for a coffee. I bought Pike’s yesterday. I did a little grocery shopping. I bought eggs and more cream. I made a nice burrito. Someone ate all my tortillas I am not happy about this. My niece eats my sugar and my nephew eats my tortillas.

Tired from one fricken outing

I had a dentist appointment today. I got up a couple of hours before it so I could shower and shave. I had my last k-cup of real coffee. Now I just have the fake stop and shop brand coffees which suck. I wanted to go to the grocery store after my appointment but I was too fucking tired. I spent like two hours at the dentist. I had a cleaning and then was seen by the dentist to go over the work that I need on my teeth. I have a tooth that needs a root canal and cavities all over the place. It is going to cost me close to a grand just for the root canal, which thankfully includes the crown. The first time I had a root canal I had to pay like $1500 and that didn’t include the crown. I luckily had a nice Russian dentist following up that gave me a crown for nothing. He is long gone now. This place wants money up front and I don’t have it. It is going to take me a long while to save a grand. I still need to save up to $500 for the editor. I am slowly paying off my credit card debt that I got behind on but there are still some cards I haven’t been able to make a payment on because the minimum is too high.

I had therapy yesterday and we spent the entire session talking about how to deal with my sister. It wasn’t a good session. We both got aggravated with each other. She wanted me to work on my cognitive distortions but I had a hard time coming up with some. She had to literally define it for me because I was so lost. By the time I figured it out, session was up. I hate it when she throws CBT at me and then some DBT shit. She kept on saying I was in emotional mind, a DBT term. The distortions are CBT. I was so aggravated. I fucking hated when she said I was “making myself depressed” because of the cognitive aspect of it all. Like fuck, how are you supposed to feel when she has no sympathy because I am depressed and thinks I am supposed to be “cured” because I had top surgery and am on meds and in therapy! Like WTF.

I am stressed out over money. My account is overdrawn by $90, which means I am going to be short my next pay period. I still owe my sister money for the gas and electric bills. I am trying to pay every thing but its fucking hard when you only get paid once a month and it is the same amount each month. And birthday month is coming up. I want to get my baby sister something nice for all the things she does for me. I missed her birthday last year because I was in the hospital. I am glad we aren’t celebrating Christmas this year so I don’t have to worry about gifts. We are going away but I am not sure I can afford meals. Just truly sucks.

Indigenous People’s Day

Happy Indigenous People’s Day to all who celebrate.

I had a migraine today, brought on by artificial sweetener. We are out of sugar and I forgot to order some on my last grocery order. I meant to do it, but it slipped my mind. If I don’t do things when I think of them, they don’t get done. I plan on getting some this week. I might have to pay more if I go to Walgreens. I am going to see if I can get to a grocery store where the price might be lower. Paying five bucks for four pounds is a lot. I also plan on getting eggs as we are out. Funny how its my sister’s daughter who has been the person eating them and yet I have to pay for it.

I got into a fight with my sister today over a fucking frying pan. I cooked bacon yesterday and left the pan. I planned on cleaning it but I got tired, like I usually do after I cook a meal. My sister think I am tired because “I am in bed all day sleeping”. This got me mad and when I said it was because of depression, she scoffed with “you’re on meds and in therapy and you had top surgery” like all that is a fucking cure. The sink was full of fucking dishes. I ended up emptying the dishwasher and then loading it again with the stuff in the sink. I left the two frying pans and scissors. I washed them and then had to sit for a bit because all these chores flared up my back. My foot got into it, too. It has been flared since this afternoon. Hopefully when I take gabapentin in about an hour it will settle down.

My therapist changed my time and also put that I will be seeing her virtually so fuck it, I won’t be going into town to see her. I plan on getting my haircut and having real coffee at Starbucks before our appointment. I might get two coffees as the Stop and Shop K-cups suck. Even when I use the “strong” button on the Keurig it makes it weaker. Nothing I can do about it until I get my SNAP benefits on Wed. I might go to the store then and get the eggs, sugar, and coffee.

Last night I started a new book. It’s not really a memoir but sort of is. It’s a dissertation on Thinking about Suicide by David Webb. He holds his PhD in suicidology, the first to have this degree. I am not sure where he got it but I am interested to know more. He is from Australia. It’s an interesting book and easy to read. It is giving me ideas about my book that I am writing. I don’t think I am going to have chapters. I am up to 83 pages with my latest writing. I somehow got to come up with $500 for the editor. I might have to stop my Starbucks funds for a bit.

I am feeling worn out. I took the recycling and trash bags out of my room and had my niece put them in their respective bins. I managed to brush my teeth today. I didn’t shave though. I had dreams of my mother throughout the night, followed by headaches. Hope I get to have some decent sleep tonight.