Category: depression

Got things done

I had another rough night of sleep. I woke up around 430 and stayed up for about an hour. I contemplated staying up but I got drowsy and went back to sleep. I then had very weird dreams and headaches. I am so tired of the headaches. They have happened nearly every day this week. I got up around 10ish. I woke up to my med alarm and then had some coffee, hoping it would get rid of the remaining headache I had. After my first cup, I called the radiology dept to see if there have been any cancelations since I last called. To my surprised, I wasn’t immediately on hold. There was a cancelation on Halloween and I took it. I am so glad because I can’t take these headaches anymore. It is making me really feel like not doing anything all the time now. I have depression to do that.

There were dishes in the sink. I decided to do them and then brush my teeth. I wanted to shave but I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand to do the dishes and then shave. My back would collapse. So I did those two things and then went to my room before hunger seized me. I went to the kitchen to make a tuna sandwich but the can’s oil was all at the top and it didn’t taste very good. I had half of it with another cup of coffee. I cleaned up and then went back to my room.

I met with the advisor I have been emailing the past several months. It was good to put a face with a name. We discussed my plan and I signed up for a couple of classes. I also did the stupid SAP thing to get financial aid. I submitted everything but the classes as registration isn’t until Nov. It was a good meeting. I will have to take Italian 101 again so I can take 102 to complete the language requirement. I am working on trying to test out of the requirement.

I was hungry again so I made some pasta. I put some salad dressing on it and it was good. I then cleaned up afterwards, something that I rarely do. Then I was able to relax a bit. I tried seeing if I could get vaccinated on the flu and updated Covid and was able to get the pharmacy around the corner from me. It took me several weeks of trying but I finally got an appointment for next week. Now I just need to find my Covid card. I had to reluctantly go to the bathroom to pee again so when I was finished, I decided to shave. I feel better now that I did everything that I wanted to do. I didn’t empty the dishwasher and I don’t plan on it.

I am kind of tired and I haven’t left the house. My foot just exploded in wicked pain and I am nauseous. I had to turn off the music. My foot is throbbing so bad. I guess I am done for the day.

Some things done

I woke up around 9. I took my meds and decided today was the day I was going to shower and shave. My nephew was still home but I didn’t care. I had a coffee and then afterwards, I went to the bathroom. I shaved and trimmed my goatee. Then I showered. I was kind of tired as my back had cramped up while I was shaving but I persisted. I had to sit down a couple times in the shower. I couldn’t help it. My back was not liking me standing for so long. I dried off and then went to my room with the towel wrapped around my waist.

I rested on my bed for a bit before I got dressed. I drank some water. I had to put drops in my eyes because my dry eye was flared up. I got dressed when I got up to do my drops. I still had a couple hours before therapy. I still needed to pick up my meds. I figured I would go after therapy.

My therapist’s connection went out while we were meeting. It took like ten minutes for us to get connected. We talked about the depression and how to do opposite action and radical acceptance. I wanted to go out today because it was nice out. However, after therapy I didn’t want to get dressed. I got lazy. I made something to eat. I wanted to make a tuna sandwich but the bread had to be thawed out. I made stuffing instead and ate the whole box. I didn’t plan it that way but I was hungry and couldn’t see just a little leftover. I had another sneeze attack when I got back to my room. My sinuses were killing me. I have no idea why I am sneezing. I hope I am not getting sick. I know it most likely is because my niece and nephew have been burning candles. I don’t do well with scents.

I’ve been on social media all day. I have been switching between the three of them, well, I think there are four. I did my Italian. I am getting the hang of the language but still mess up with using the word “the” correctly. It messes me up so much because in English you don’t typically say the with nouns. I am hoping that if I master it, I can test out of the language. Only trouble is that my speaking the language is hard. I don’t pronounce things right nor do I hear things right. Sometimes I feel like Joey on Friends when Pheobe was trying to teach him French.

I extended my reading challenge to 16 books. So far I have read 14. I am trying to decide what to read next. I am thinking it might be a baseball book that keeps staring at me. Only problem is that it is the last book in the stack and I am scared I might knock over the pile trying to retrieve it. I have to see if I can fix my printer. It is a mess with toner right now. For some reason it is not picking up the paper so it is giving me an empty thing even though the tray has paper. I think some toner might be in the connection. Ugh. I don’t understand how I got the wrong toner when it is a Canon toner for a Canon printer. I matched it several times. I don’t get it.

Rotten sleep on a dreary day

I woke up around 0430 with a headache. It was the second of the night. I stayed up to read a bit as I didn’t feel sleepy. I took my morning meds around 0630 and then went back to sleep for a few hours. I got up to make some coffee. I brushed my teeth before heading to the kitchen. I had therapy in a few hours. While drinking my coffee, I called the pharmacy to see if my pain meds were in stock. They told me to call after 5pm. I was bullshit. I had waited all weekend. If I waited till after 5, I wouldn’t be able to contact my doctor until tomorrow. I sent a message telling them the situation. They said they were happy to transfer it to another location. I called the one around the corner from me and they have it in stock. I should hopefully get it tomorrow.

I had therapy. I wasn’t too talkative. I had a slight headache. My nephew is burning a candle and scents usually give me a headache and cause me to fucking sneeze my head off. It is irritating my nasal passages. Nothing major went on in therapy. We talked about grief and the trans joy I felt briefly. We are going to continue the EMDR next week. I don’t know if it will be the same memory or if we will work with a different one.

I worked on my book for a little bit. I wanted to write about my suicidality but the scent of the candle is making the headache worse so I can’t think. It is raining. I haven’t shaved or showered. I wanted to but now don’t have the energy. I just want to sleep but it’s only 5pm. I want some chips but I have no snacks. I made mac and cheese for lunch. Not really sure what I will have for dinner, if anything. I just want to fucking sleep but I know if I try and sleep now, I will be up all night again. Fucking sucks.