Category: depression

Christmas 2023

I had a good Christmas. It was good being away but I missed the city. I drove back with my nephew, mostly so I wouldn’t get stuck with lugging everything up my house as my sister would be going to work. I have loaded some pics of the mountain and the ski slopes where they had artificial snow. It hasn’t been a very snowy winter, yet.

I am tired. I am listening to Taylor. I missed my bed. Tomorrow I need to go to the grocery store for half and half. I might have leftover ham if they bring it home. I had raviolis before we left. I was full because we had a big breakfast. I scored once again with Starbucks gift cards. I also got a grocery gift card which was nice. I might buy the stuff to make a casserole. I just don’t know what kind I want to make.

I came home to a bunch of mail. The other shoe dropped. I guess my former employer has given someone else the business of managing their benefits. I got an invoice for my new insurance. It is much less than what I am currently paying, but instead of it being a PPO it’s an EPO. I have no idea if coverage will be different. I hope not. My copays are roughly the same, though I don’t know if mental health copays are still $10. I forgot to check and I don’t really know where I put the information after I cleared my bed.

I am tired. I kept on having weird dreams last night. One of them was about the orange line and how I just couldn’t find the track to take me where I needed to go. I kept on going into Boston’s surrounding areas than where I needed to be. I am not sure if it was home or work as the dream kept changing. I woke up with headaches throughout the night. I am glad I am in my own bed so I won’t be interrupted in the morning. I hope I can have a decent sleep.

I’ve had a pretty good day. I was passed out after we came home from my birthday dinner. I slept till 4am and then had a hard time getting back to sleep. I had to pee. I’ve been noticing I’ve been retaining despite drinking a ton. I haven’t been taking my pain meds so not sure why I haven’t been peeing. I haven’t been getting an urge to pee, more like bladder pains. It has been more than a year since I cathed. Hope I don’t have to go back to it. Today I’ve been drinking water since coming home from breakfast. There were four hours between voids.

My nephew came up. I am happy to see him. I might leave with him tomorrow as I want to be home. My sister is leaving early Tues morning but middle sister needs to go to work so I will have to lug the stuff up the stairs. It’s too much. I love it here. The condo is nice and the mountains are beautiful but this city boy is missing the city. We went to the grocery store yesterday which is a half hour away in the next town. I didn’t like that. I’m used to it being like 5 mins away. 10 if I take the bus.

I tried reading but my sister was watching football and kept saying get him or other sounds which interfered with my thinking. My “bed” which is the couch is where the TV is. I am tired and want to sleep but it’s too early.

I got up later than I wanted. I had two cups of coffee. I had a shitty night sleeping. Another night of dreams and headaches. I packed the rest of my stuff and got dressed. We drove up to the ski resort. It was a long drive.

Tomorrow is my birthday. My sister planned some outing with live music. It should be fun. I am so tired. It is way colder here than in Boston. We are almost to the Canadian border.

I got a pullout on the sofa. I hope it’s comfortable. My brother in law got me pillows. I wish I brought my Sox blanket. Place is drafty.

Life is a flame it can burn out

I had therapy today and it didn’t go as I wanted it to. Part of the trouble was construction was going on and so I was having a really hard time concentrating on what we were talking about. I kept getting distracted. I honestly don’t remember now what we were talking about. I know I tried to change the subject and she didn’t want to let it go. I am so tired. I ended up not talking about how I felt about my birthday and now I don’t see her till the new year.

It’s cold today. I didn’t have energy to walk around the corner to get my meds so I had my cousin drop me off. I walked back and I nearly had an asthma attack. The cold air bothers me for some reason. It is cold in my room. I just put on a long sleeve shirt. I packed for the trip tomorrow. I just need to put stuff in my backpack. I found a pair of jeans that fit me. I knew I had more than one pair. It is in my closet, along with my hoodies. I tried to find my button down long sleeve shirts but they must be in the back where I can’t seem to move the stuff yet.

I have been up since like 6. I don’t know why I have been waking up early. I tried to sleep before the workers came but they were here around 730am so I couldn’t go back to sleep. I woke up hungry so I made something to eat. I am feeling tired now. I didn’t nap at all. I was kind of pissed off at my therapist after therapy and then frantic as I was wondering what the hell to pack. My bed is a mess again. I don’t care. I still need to put the recycle away. And I have a shit ton of boxes to bring down.

I had two cups of coffee today. I wanted a third but my sister kept moving my mug and I don’t know where she put it the last move. I was too lazy to find it so said fuck it. I packed some sugar as my sister said to bring it. I also will be bringing my half and half or it will be bad by the time we come home. I showered, brushed my teeth, and shaved my head. My right foot is hurting me and I don’t know why. Ugh. I nearly bit my tongue off earlier. I have to do something about my broken teeth before I get an infection in my tongue. It is so damn sore all the time now. I have to be careful with what I eat, making sure something isn’t too hard or it can get stuck in my tooth. I was eating pistachios and one of them got lodged in my broken tooth and it was such a bitch to get out. I love pistachios, too.