Category: depression

Productive Sunday

I slept fairly well and didn’t wake up till around 8 or so. I took my meds and then went back to sleep, or tried to as my sister kept screaming for my niece and was basically loud. She kept going up and down the stairs. I didn’t know if she was coming or going. Today was my cousin’s birthday. I was supposed to go but I couldn’t get up at a decent time and my sister was in a mood. I really didn’t feel like talking to her so I just stayed in my room until she left. Then I had coffee and sat on my new deck. I had two cups before taking a shower. I shaved. I wanted to trim my hair but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I wanted to see my barber but I don’t have the money right now to see him.

The game was on so I listened to it as I did some stuff around my room. I cleared the path where my AC is so now it can be put in my window. I texted my brother in law. He said he would do it. It’s going to be 80 this week so I hope he puts it in the next few days.

I brought down some recycling. I still have more in my room. It’s mostly boxes. I feel good that I cleared this space but I still feel overwhelmed with the rest of my room. I am so depressed. I can’t shake the down feeling. I have been trying to work through it. I did my meds for the week. I still have a lot of allergies today. I have phlegm in the back of my throat that is gagging me and making me nauseous. I feel depressed and not really sure why I am. I honestly just want to go back to bed and stay there. I am still trying to do stuff around my room though. I need to finish the chapter I started last night. I woke up around midnight. I read for a little while after taking some Ativan so I wouldn’t be up all fricken night. I think I went back to sleep around 3. I am so tired from having interrupted sleep. The damn birds were singing so loud this morning. I tried to see what kind of birds they were but I didn’t want to get up to turn on the app. I tried recording when I was having my coffee but I didn’t get anything.

Sox lost in extra innings. It was disappointing. I am listening to Sugarland and Little Big Town. I am so excited to see them in concert on Halloween. I cannot wait. I love Jennifer Nettles. She still blows me away with her voice. I am going to read some more of the Who’s Afraid of Gender book. Honestly don’t know how I can read with this level of depression but I will take it because it could be gone whenever. I told my case worker that the middle of August is when my mood starts to dip and doesn’t even out until Feb. I am going to call a place tomorrow to see if I can get an intake started for therapy. I still don’t know what I am looking for. But my case worker seems to think having suicidal thoughts is enough reason to be in therapy.

Best buzz I’m gonna find

I got up later than I had planned. I woke up at 8 and then I snoozed. I couldn’t stay up as I was up half the night again. I really didn’t go back to sleep until daylight, which was probably around 5am or so. I had two cups of coffee and then I had to leave the house. I was late for my appointment with my case manager. I missed the bus and the next one was a little late. I did a lot of walking. I didn’t know which direction I was going home yet.

I met with my case manager for a little more than an hour. We had a good talk. She gave me some recommendations for therapy and Mass Rehab. I will be calling on Monday to see what services will work for me. She had some kind of plan that I had to sign. It was ok. She had the name of my psychiatrist wrong. I corrected it. I also had her cross out my therapist as I no longer see her. We agreed to meet in like three weeks when I see my pcp next as she is across the street.

I decided to take the green line home. I had to pick up my meds so I got off the same stop I got on and then waited for the bus. I got my meds and just missed the bus home. I had to wait another 15 mins or so for the next one. It just felt like it took forever to get home. I left for home around 1530 and didn’t get home till a little after 1700. I had stopped at the 7-11 to get something to drink as I was thirsty. I haven’t had supper yet. I am going to make a turkey sandwich. I’m just not hungry yet. I am wicked tired, though.

I had fallen asleep sometime after 2100 last night. Then I woke up from a bad dream around midnight and then I was up for most of the night. My foot acted up and it was over for going back to sleep. I read and wrote in my journal. I just couldn’t settle down. I went pee twice, which didn’t help. I wanted to shower today but I woke up too late. I will take one tomorrow. I don’t plan on doing anything tomorrow.

Trying not to nap

I slept till about 8am this morning. I had woken up to pee. I had some weird dreams about my pcp. I took my meds and rested till about 11 and then got up. I had some coffee. My cousin called and asked if we were still on for grocery shopping. I really didn’t need anything but turkey breast and just decided to go. $50 later, I came home. I am tired now. I was tired after my second cup of coffee. I have been trying to avoid a nap.

I came home and put the things away. Then I made some burgers. I still had my jack pepper cheese so I put them on the burgers. It was nice. I had bought a green tea but didn’t realize it didn’t have sugar in it. It was lousy. I drank like half of it then tossed it. My cousin bought me a coffee at Dunkins and it was like drinking dishsoap. I tossed it too.

I sent a message to my psychiatrist about whether I could get a referral to another therapist or if I had to leave where I get my care to see another therapist. He responded with “we’ll talk at our next appointment” and I need to see what my goals are. Fuck. I don’t know what I want out of therapy anymore. I see the DMH worker tomorrow. I just don’t know what I want to work on.

I need to shower today. And shave. I plan on doing this in an hour. Today was my migraine shot day. I have been migraine free (knock on wood) for almost a month. I haven’t had to take my PRN meds in weeks. I need to bring my sharps containers to the police station so they can be disposed of. I sort of know where to go but it has been a long while since I last went to the area. I can take the bus there, which is easier than taking the new green line. I do need to take the green line tomorrow when I go see the DMH worker.

My sinuses are kicking my ass today and the pollen count isn’t high at all as we had rain this morning. It has cooled off considerably. I like the temps in the 50s. It isn’t exactly short weather but I don’t care, I am cool. I was really suffering with the temps being close to 80 in my room even though outside was in the 70s. That is uncomfortable for me. I hate the heat. I keep meaning to clear the AC area but I just have no fucking energy. Just shopping took all I had. I was quick but my cousin took forever. He was my ride so I had to wait. I had nothing to do so didn’t mind.