Category: depression

Migraines and sleep suck

I had another night of headaches. I felt like crap when I got up. I had my coffee and then went up to my room. I felt kind of dizzy and thought my blood pressure was low. I laid down for a bit and then took my blood pressure. It was high. I should know by now that when I am dizzy, my blood pressure is usually up.

I had the window open and it was not a good thing when there is a snowstorm with falling temps and high winds. I was freezing and had to put on my throw blanket to keep warm. I don’t know why the heat didn’t kick on. I was up on and off throughout the night and only heard it on once or twice. I shut the window when the temp in my room dropped to 53F. I also turned up the heat so my room could try and get warm. It is hovering around 60 degrees now. Still chilly in my room but I am comfortable. I just want to lay down as I feel like shit.

Yesterday I was working on my ending while I had a clear head. It was difficult and slow. Things were coming to me at one sentence at a time. I couldn’t get a rhythm going. Every time I felt a feeling I would pause and lose my train of thought. I hated it. I am going to talk to my therapist about it tomorrow when I see her. I hope the headaches don’t happen tonight because I am out of my migraine meds. It was a slushy day today so I didn’t go to the Square to get my meds. Plus I am still waiting for the Effexor to be ready. Might as well pick up everything in one visit. I hope to go to the library tomorrow to get a book I requested. I wanted to read today but my head is too foggy. I have been trying to drink water but it is slow going. I don’t know why some days I can chug water like no big deal and other days it’s like pulling teeth. I miss having Gatorade. I didn’t get it this month because I had other expenses. Eventually I will need to get a new printer. I cannot get the toner in and I have given up on it. I am going to just leave it on my front yard and hope someone grabs it. Fucking thing made a mess trying to get it installed.

If my blood pressure isn’t down by tomorrow, I will contact my pcp. Hopefully I won’t have to go to the ED for it.  My sleep is so damn fractured. I kept dreaming about Chandler and Monica for some reason. My brain wouldn’t let it go and when I woke up and fell back to sleep, the dream continued. It was so weird. I am so tired of having headaches night after night. It just makes me feel so shitty.

Saturday Blog 06012024

I woke up feeling good. For the first time in weeks I felt rested. I also experienced some trans joy as I am still amazed that my chest is gone and I am congruent with how I think I should feel. Not to say my chest is what I want it to be. I still need to some how build muscle and that takes some doing. I wish I had access to the gym and I might with UMB. I need to find out if we still have access to the fitness center. Maybe I can finally get my pecs to look more even. I plan on buying some protein powder my next pay period. I think it will be good and might help me lose weight or something. I just hope the powder tastes good.

My planner came today and I filled in the important dates of the semester like spring break and when classes end, finals. I was planning on taking a summer semester and I might still do it. I am not sure though. I need to get a battery for my laptop so I am not hooked just to my room or where I need a plug. I just hope it’s easy to remove and replace without messing up anything. I might get a new printer. They are pretty cheap. I am trying to get the toner installed but fucking thing won’t go in. A friend sent me some instructions so I am going to use that as a guide. I have the right toner so I don’t understand what the hell the problem is.

I just had lunch. I think I am going to make a pasta dish for supper that I have been meaning to try. I was going to go to the library but it closes at 1 on Saturdays. I wish I had known that before as I could have caught the 12pm bus. I will just get the book on Monday. I need to pick up my meds then anyways.

My sister told me my niece has covid so I won’t be going down to my sister’s apartment any time soon. It is supposed to snow today and they already called a snow emergency. I have no where to go so I am staying put anyways. Hope it is gone by Monday so I can go out without having to wear my boots.

Sore and depressed

My back is aching me today from the other day’s walking. I went to the grocery store and got a few items. I bought some hot chicken wings for lunch. They were good. I also got some roast beef as I haven’t had it in a while. I had one cup of coffee today. I don’t feel like having another cup. I bought Keurig hot cocoa so I will have that later. I think I am going to make a pasta dish for supper.

I washed my jacket as it needed to be. I had a lot of crap in my pockets. I read the instructions for Cologuard while it was washing. It was pretty straightforward on how to do it. I had a BM today and collected it and then did what needed to be done. I then called to have it picked up tomorrow. I notified my family so it wouldn’t be taken back in the house.

I feel so depressed and my thoughts have gone from being ok to not wanting to be alive. I haven’t thought of a plan or anything. I was writing my ending for my book and I am short. I need to write more and frankly I don’t know what the hell to write. Then I read Ohio is pushing to deny gender affirming care not only to minors but adults as well. Fuck. I really want to know who the hell these people think they are to intrude in the healthcare of others. Makes me so mad and sad.

I got up wicked late today. I really didn’t mean to. I just fell asleep and felt like I died until I moved and was hit with all kinds of pain. I had a good sleep, even if it was pretty broken. I managed to brush my teeth and shave my head. It felt good to be bald again. It is kind of cold in my room as it is windy out. There is talk of snow in the forecast but I don’t think we’ll get much as it’s not that cold. I have no plans on leaving the house though I might go for a walk. I need to get used to walking around the block if I am to make it in college. There was a lot of walking just to get to where I needed to be.

I am listening to my 90s country radio on Pandora. I am taking a break from Taylor. I will probably listen to her later tonight. I was listening to Mary Chapin the other night. I had to listen to something calming as it was taking me forever to calm down. I was so overtired. I plan on reading a chapter of the textbook I started last week. I want to try and get ahead of the reading as I know I don’t always have the concentration for it. Brain fog interferes with so many things and reading is one of them. My psychiatrist changed the appointment time for Tues. It’s still in the morning. Mon I see my therapist.

I am feeling so fricken low. I want to read my book but at the same time, I want to go back to bed. I doubt I will be able to sleep. I have no idea where my journal is. I haven’t written in it in a long time. I just write this blog every day. I am so tired most days. My bloodwork came back normal. My iron levels have improved so that isn’t why I am tired. I stopped taking the iron pills. I think the Effexor will be ready tomorrow. My psychiatrist finally called in the 75 mg pills. I will pick them up either Sunday or Monday. Most likely Monday as I have enough pills to get me through the weekend.