bitch rant

Bitch rant

I’m not in a good mood right now. I made my dessert and then cleaned up afterwards. I washed all the dishes that were in the sink while my dessert was setting in the fridge. I am in a lot of pain now. I took some pain meds but my feet got cold and when I put on my thermal socks, the elastic aggravated my ankle. I am hurting all over the damn place. Now my toes are fucking hurting. I can’t stand it anymore!! I don’t know why I am so strung out.

After I cleaned up, I took a shower and had to cut my toe nails. My foot did not like that. I didn’t do a good job on my big toe. It’s rough and uneven. I can’t seem to fix it without pain so when it settles down, I will try and file it. I can’t even touch my own foot. It just hurts too much.

I took my night meds after I filled my box for the week. I feel very depressed that I am in pain. I also feel suicidal. I won’t do anything tonight. Hell, I don’t think I’ll ever do anything. I seem to make all these fucking plans but never go through with them. Pisses me off so much. I just want to fucking die right now and I can’t go through with it all because I can’t fucking walk. I am so pathetic.

I got shit from my mother tonight because I didn’t want to call my brother in law to throw the trash over the porch. I didn’t have shoes on and the porch floor has pebbles on it. I didn’t want to get them on my bare feet because they stick. So my mother had a fit. Tough shit. She can take care of it tomorrow. I don’t fucking care.

I don’t know why I am so fucking low tonight. I know it’s partly because I am so much pain. I never get a break from it. If I do, it’s only for a few hours. Most of the time it is while I sleep. If I could sleep all day, that would be great but I can’t. I am so tired of being in pain. I really wish I was dead.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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