Having a rough day so listening to Taylor
I only got about 4 hours sleep. I was up all night and didn’t go to sleep until 0600. I didn’t think I was going to get to sleep but I took an Ativan and slept a little bit. I made coffee and finished Huck Finn. My sister made a burger on the grill and I am having a beer. I love Sam Adams Summer Ale. I still need to go to the liquor store to see if they have Zima. That is my all time favorite drink. But it’s only limited edition so once it is gone, it is gone.
After I had the burger, the pain in my ankle came back. I took some pain meds. I don’t care that I am drinking a beer with it. One beer isn’t going to hurt me. I’m hoping it will make me sleep for a bit. I am really tired. It has been a long while since I was up all night. I had emailed my psych but haven’t had a response. I really don’t know what I wrote other than I was fed up with my condition and I didn’t want to go in the hospital unless they would amputate my ankle.
It’s another hot day but I don’t care. My sister wanted me to help her with the lawn stuff. HA, No fucking way. I am just glad she got the grill up and running. I miss having BBQ food. There is a chicken kabob recipe I got on Facebook that I want to try. She needs to show me how to work the grill though as I really have no clue.
I was going to change my sheets today but that isn’t going to happen. I am much too tired to attempt such an ordeal. I’ll attempt the task tomorrow. I still need to bring down my recycles. I have two bins now full. I’ll take them down tomorrow as Thursday is trash day, least I think it will be. I’m not sure because today is a holiday.
Can’t believe I am still hurting and I haven’t done a thing for the past half hour. I am starting to feel a little drunk. Doesn’t take much to get a buzz off alcohol these days. I am almost done with my beer. I was hoping it would tone down the pain but I guess not. I am so depressed about it. Seems like nothing helps this pain and I am just forced to live with it. What kind of life is that? Not one that I want to live through. I much rather be dead. But I am a coward. I have a plan and yet I am scared to execute it. I don’t know if I will succeed this time or if I will be saved because I will be in a public space. But it is where I want to die. I hope one of these days I get the guts and go through with it. My only other fear is that it will be too far to walk to. I don’t know. I just know I don’t want to exist anymore.