Category: depression

Therapy Thursday

I slept my usual. My phone had an update and I installed it in the early morning but for some reason, it didn’t use the usual do not disturb so my med alarm never went off. I used the bathroom and then took my meds. I laid down for a bit before getting up again to make a cup of coffee before therapy. My laptop was not cooperating me with me today and I had to restart it. I had to use my phone for session because I couldn’t get the laptop to work right. I am so frustrated with it. It is working ok now that I restarted it.

Therapy we talked about little things leading to big things. We came up with a few things to start, like getting up within a half hour of my med alarm going off. We also talked about the anxieties about starting classes. She recommended that I leave two hours before class. I think I will leave more like 2 and half hours before so I can do to Starbucks for coffee and something to eat. I don’t think she likes the idea of me going back to finish my degree. Just a vibe I am getting from her. She seems to think that I will go back to the depression/suicidal cycle that I was in. I am determined to prove her wrong. Just hope I can do it.

After therapy, I made something to eat and had more coffee. I then went back up to my room. My head felt so heavy so I laid down for a bit. I wanted to go to the grocery store for more half and half but I just couldn’t get going. I wasn’t sure if I was getting a migraine or not. Laying down helped a little but clouded my thoughts. I went back downstairs to brush my teeth and take care of the dishes. The cloudiness turned to fog. I couldn’t listen to music without my head exploding. By the time I logged back into my laptop it was time for dinner. I didn’t know what to eat so made a PB&J sandwich. It has become my nightly dinner.

I feel so lousy with my head feeling the way it does. There is a storm on its way into Boston so I am probably feeling it before it gets here. I might shower before bed. I tried to get the new sleeping pill shipped but the pharmacy hasn’t done it yet. If I go out tomorrow, I will pick it up. Only thing is, they have charged my card for the copay and I don’t want to pay twice for it. I have nerve pain on the top of my head and I am going to be calling it a fucking day soon as I can’t function anymore. My brain is frying like an egg. I just sent a message to my psychiatrist hoping he can do something or point me to someone who can do fucking something. I am struggling big time right now and don’t want to end up back in the hospital.

Meet in the middle

I had a very dream filled night and a few headaches. I was up for a couple of hours and finished the chapter in my textbook. I wanted to read today but I’ve been a space cadet. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. We talked about sleep and how the dreams lead to headaches. He is going to put me on a high dose of trazodone. I will be stopping the mirtazapine. Maybe now I can lose the weight I have gained from it. I haven’t weighed myself in more than a month. I did take my blood pressure and it is still on the high side but better.

After my appointment, I made lunch and actually had energy to clean up afterwards. I made a hot cocoa after I was finished. I had a coffee with lunch. I made a pasta chicken alfredo from Birdseye. It was good. I then brushed my teeth and shaved my head. I didn’t post any selfies today because I wasn’t in the mood. I have been off the new social media site Bluesky because it is filled with trash from Trump. I know many Americans are saying never again to the Holocaust but why they are giving him a go is beyond me. I fear that there will be a civil war of some sort with him. It hasn’t helped my mood so I just have been off the site.

I managed another 200 or so words in my ending. I am up to 728 words. I will try and work on it again tomorrow. I have been in a dark place and been listening to 90s country which has helped my mood with good songs, many of which I haven’t heard in a really long time.

I have been trying to drink more water but it is a challenge. I never realized how much I relied on Gatorade and Powerade for my hydration. I don’t know why I didn’t get some this month. I just didn’t have the $200 for the order. I end up putting things in the cart and it is hard to get them out sometimes. My half and half and Gatorade/Powerade is my main items I buy every month. I am trying to switch to water but it is hard. Some times I can drink without a problem and then others I have to be thirsty to gulp some down.

Building big things on little things

I don’t think my therapist realizes that I need little things to build big things. I’ve gone from attempting suicide to being catatonic for weeks to top surgery and my mother dying. Now I’m going back to college. I honestly don’t need bigger things in my life. Because honestly, I could OD anytime I want to and this time succeed. I think about this every time we talk about my suicidality or when I think about my suicidality. It’s there. I lost the patience over the years of waiting things out.

I showered before therapy so I could just go out afterwards. It took some doing as the streets weren’t all that clear from slush and ice. I wore my boots and took my time getting to the bus stop. I had like 15 mins when before it came so go there plenty early. I listened to Taylor while I waited. I wore a mask because I didn’t want to get sick. My sister is sick and her daughter has covid. I have been careful not to go downstairs. I went to the pharmacy and got my meds. I had just missed the bus as I approached the bus stop and the next bus wasn’t for another 25 mins. I looked over my meds and saw that I only got 2 pills of my migraine meds. No wonder it was $3 rather than $10. I have to call tomorrow and find out when I can get a refill. I hate that they only give you 9 pills now instead of 12. Fucking sucks.

I went to the pharmacy around the corner for me for my pain meds. I waited an hour in the store. They said it would be ready but it wasn’t so I had to wait. I came home and my niece drove by. She said she left some soup for my sister. It was French onion, which I don’t like. My sister was on the porch when I approached my house, getting the mail. I had none so just grabbed the soup and went upstairs. I was so fucking tired. I was going to unload the dishwasher and load it again but not happening. I also wanted to cook a meal. That too isn’t happening. I will just make a PB&J sandwich. If I can get the energy. My feet are frozen. I just want to go to sleep. Therapy really fucked with my head. I want to send my therapist a message but I don’t really know what to say. I want to know if my idea of needing to do little things in order to build big things but I don’t know if that sounds stupid or not. It is like building baby steps before taking a big step. Along those kind of lines. Trouble is I don’t know what the little things are. I guess I will figure them out along the way.