Category: depression

Feeling perturbed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Last night I was in the throws of suicidal thinking. I imagined me taking a handful of pills and throwing my luck in the air on whether I would live or die. It felt so real. I didn’t do anything. I tried reading the stuff about cognitive dissonance. It was hard reading it. I am going to try and read more today about it.

I slept for a couple of hours last night and then I was up for most of the night. I read three chapters of Henry Adams and wanted to read more. It is just so interesting even though the people he mentions, I have no idea who they are. I am also trying to figure out the timeline as he keeps going back and forth. I hate it when authors do that. It’s hard to follow.

My sister woke me up this morning. She wanted to know if I would be home for the people to change the water meter. I said I would be. I had gone to bed with a mild toothache but when I woke up, my teeth are really hurting. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. I plan on brushing my teeth, shaving my head, and then taking a shower, hopefully all together. I don’t have much energy right now and I feel perturbed. All the extra paperwork I submitted for SNAP didn’t even give me one dollar more a month. It’s a fucking joke.

I sent my therapist a text. I felt like she should know I’m not doing so great. I don’t know why I am struggling. I guess talking about suicidality has stirred things up a bit.

I got so much to do and I don’t feel like doing any of it. I feel wicked tired despite having two cups of coffee. I really didn’t fall back to sleep until after 0700. I took my meds about 6ish. I still need to do the boxes for the week. That has to be a priority. I also need to take my recycle down. Not sure what I am going to do with this printer. Pisses me off I spent like 50 bucks for the wrong toner and got the damn toner stuff all over the place. I still don’t understand how I got the wrong one as it was from the Canon website. Something isn’t right.

I want to nap. I’m just in a rough space. I feel wicked sad. Also have some dysphoria with my body. I have gained weight and it is upsetting me. I know I need to eat but I don’t want to. I want to starve myself but I like food too much. I’ve just been eating the bare minimum. I’ll figure it out one day but today isn’t the day.

Saturday Blog 04112023

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Saturday Blog 04112023

Today marks the 7th month my mother has been dead. It is also my 7th month of being post op for top surgery. I am feeling really sad today. I had to leave the house to get my meds. I honestly didn’t want to leave the house but I forced myself to. I had therapy on Thursday and I told her I would look over the cognitive dissonance papers that I got from the hospital last year. I know where the papers are, but I still haven’t retrieved them. I went to Starbucks to hopefully read a chapter but I just read a little bit. In the Chapter was Shneidman’s cubic model of suicide. I sent it to my therapist. I think it would be important to use such a simple scale around my suicidality. I am not really actively suicidal but the thoughts have been crossing my mind. I don’t stay there long like I used to.

I have been down most of the day and it is really hard trying to write what I feel. I took out the papers on cognitive dissonance. I will go through them tonight. I am having a hard time collecting my thoughts because I sort of feel suicidal and I don’t know if I should text my therapist or not. I am safe so I am thinking not. I just feel overwhelmed and don’t want to be anymore. I haven’t been able to read my book. I tried to read more than a few pages today but I just couldn’t sit there and do it. I just felt so damn low.

It’s been a while since I felt this low. Usually I just feel sad and it goes away. But being depressed is different. It doesn’t go away on its own usually. I haven’t showered and I smell. My sister said that she is going to take the hamper away from the bathroom. I don’t like this at all. I will still keep my dirty clothes there. I am not going to take them up to my room. They will never get washed. Makes me angry she wants to change things around.

My foot is hurting again. It has been off and on throughout the day. I don’t remember the last time I showered so I probably should tomorrow after I shave my head again. I managed to brush my teeth. Little things.

cold November rain

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Cold November Rain

I have been up since 0400. I tried going back to sleep around 7ish after I took my morning meds but I never slept. I gave up around 10 and got out of bed to make something to eat and have coffee. I then spent the next couple of hours on the phone doing phone calls that needed to be done. I sent a message to my pcp about how crappy I have been feeling and to question a lab value from yesterday. They said to hydrate and if I am not feeling better by Friday, I could be seen then. I am to drink around three liters of fluid. I have been having a hard time drinking just plain water. I want to drink coffee but I don’t think that will help me.

It has been cold in my room all day. My feet are freezing and I have been contemplating putting on a long sleeve shirt. It is also cold in the house. We haven’t turned on the heat just yet. I don’t mind the cold but my back and CRPS foot does. My back has been sore today for whatever reason, most likely due to the temps going from 80 to 40 within 48 hours. The pain in my foot was really bad. I had to take pain meds to ease it and gabapentin. Surprisingly, within an hour, pain levels went down.

Struggling with writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I had therapy today. We talked more about my suicidality. I feel really sad. I’ve been trying to write all day but my thoughts have been inconsistent. I kept zoning out today. I was able to nap for a couple of hours. I still feel tired. Had bad night with headaches and dreams again.

My CT results came back. Everything is normal. Wish I had something to explain the headaches though. I see the neuro tomorrow morning. I have a stupid headache now. I feel awful. Been trying to drink water. I’m not really thirsty tho. I haven’t eaten today. Just some fig newton’s. It has been the only thing I want. I don’t feel like cooking something.

I got to get my meds tomorrow. I tried calling the pharmacy today because two of my meds are still in process. I’ll try tomorrow after my neuro appt. I am tired and plan on going to bed soon.