Category: depression

Rough day

I have been up since 5. I did three loads of laundry. The 3^rd load, I forgot to hit start so an hour later when I went downstairs, I thought the wash was done. It wasn’t. ugh. I had three cups of coffee. I was planning on making a fourth cup before therapy but time got away from me. I had woken up with my chest muscles hurting me so fricken bad. I took methocarbamol. I wanted to take at least three doses but I didn’t put the time in my app or even make note of the time. So I just had two doses. Might have a third dose if I am up. I just took my meds so I hope to be sleeping soon.

I honestly need a new therapist but I am too scared to find someone else. I don’t want to expose myself to rejection. Today she said that she basically washed her hands of telling me about coping skills because I have rejected what she said earlier in therapy. She also thinks my dreams and headaches are psychological. I don’t understand how they could be as I can’t control what I dream about. Most of the time, the dreams don’t make sense when I wake up. Like I dreamt I was on the Enterprise with the Picard crew. Another time, I had a conversation with my mother but I don’t remember what we talked about. I have noticed that if I am in the actual dream rather than “watching” what I am dreaming about, I get headaches more often than not. She also wants me to be a self-initiator. I felt like logging off when she said that. She got me so mad.

I am so tired. My pcp got back to me over some concerns I had with urination, stomach ache, and my blood pressure being high the last week or so. She ordered some urine and blood tests. I might go tomorrow after I go grocery shopping. I am going to bring a cath with me in case I can’t go. It has taken a lot of fluid in order to go, some times it is hours after I drink something. I have nearly drank a liter of water and I still don’t have the urge to pee. I also been feeling dizzy but when I take my blood pressure, it is high, not low. I miss drinking my powerades. Sometimes I just need the sugar rush. Drinking plain water sucks.

I’ve been up since 5am. I woke up in pain. I took some meds and wasn’t really tired to get back to sleep. I worked on my book and finished it. Now I just need to pay the editor so I can get it published. I’m glad I finished it before classes started otherwise I might not have had time to work on it.

I’ve had three cups of coffee today. I tried taking a nap but my stomach has been bothering me. Feels like someone is punching me in the stomach. I don’t know why I’ve been having so much pain lately. I thought it was the iron pills but I guess not. I’m scared to see my pcp about it. I just don’t want invasive tests to sort it out. I’m not nauseous or vomiting so I am not too concerned.

My sister made chili so I had that for supper. It was good. She is also making braised short ribs. The sauce is good.

I wanted to finish the book I’ve been reading but the new sleeping pill works in like a half hour so I haven’t been able to finish it. It’s a long chapter. I hope to finish it before bed tonight. Which reminds me, I haven’t done my med boxes yet. I should do that now so I don’t forget again.

Saturday Blog 13012024

I took the trazodone last night. I started reading and within half an hour, I had to call it a night. I had a good sleep but I still woke up a few times during the night. My med alarm went off and I couldn’t get up to take my meds right away. I did about an hour and a half later. Then I went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I got up around 1pm. My phone needed an update so after my first cup of coffee, I installed it. I made a burger and another cup of coffee. The burger was so damn yummy. I plan on making another burger in about an hour. I have to use the meat before it goes bad.

I went up to my room as I planned on taking a shower. As I was ready to head to the bathroom, my aunt called me. We talked for a few minutes. I told her I was going back to college to finish my degree. She was happy for me. I have been wanting to talk to her as it has been a while but she reminds me so much of my mother that I had a hard time initiating the call. I am glad she called me.

I shaved and showered. I got razor burn on my head so showering was painful. I had to sit to wash up as my back was cramping up. For some reason my legs are hurting today. Soon after I came back to my room, it downpoured. We had so much rain this week. I rather have rain than snow though. I noticed while I was drying off that my left nipple looks like it fell off. It is smaller than the right one. Nothing I can do about it. My surgeon’s office won’t be open till Tuesday.

I feel better now that I showered. I was feeling like shit. I don’t know if I am getting a headache or not. I need to finish the chapter I started last night. Then I can move on to the other book in my Anthro class. If I finish the book tonight, I will start the other book tomorrow. I hope I don’t have to get the 3^rd edition of my psych class book. I kept the shrinkwrap on it because if I do, I will return it. Or sell it.

I have been feeling sad and depressed on and off all day. I am in pain. My ribs are hurting me for whatever reason. I am missing my mother. It is so hard to not think about her. When I am not thinking about her, I am dreaming about her. Grief is so complicated. I have been listening to music to cope. It really has helped. I took a Robaxin for my ribs. It helps but I got to take it around the clock for a couple of days for it to be effective.

Friday thoughts

I slept for about three hours before I woke up at midnight and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I read my book and finished the chapter a little after 330a. I then woke up a few minutes before my med alarm went off. I used the bathroom and then went back up to my room to take my meds. I forgot to put a B vitamin in my box all week. I was wondering why I was short a pill.

The pharmacy never mailed me my prescription so after I had a couple cups of coffee, I went out and got it. It was a nice day. I took my time so I didn’t get out of breath. I stopped at the bench to sit for a few minutes before continuing on my way. I doordashed the half and half. I just couldn’t see myself walking so much just for one thing.

I brushed my teeth and shaved my head. I am going to try and get a shower in and do laundry. I took out some burgers for dinner but they are still frozen so I might have a PBandJ for supper again. It’s almost 530pm and I am tired. I started to get really sleepy soon as it became dark out. Now I got to try and stay awake until I can take my meds. I was planning on taking the trazodone at 9 but it might be closer to 8. I don’t know what time to really take it or how long before it makes me really sleepy. I am usually asleep by 10 most nights.

I wanted to work on my ending for my book but am having trouble finding my words. I don’t know what direction to write and I am just 300 words away from it being 1000 words. Things usually come to me in the middle of the night. I have been trying to stay off my phone and laptop during the wee hours of the morning and just read my book. I am almost done with it and I can then start the other book for this class. I logged into the website that I will be using for the online class and it has my deadname. I just sent an email to IT to have it changed. I thought I was done with it but I guess not. Hopefully it gets resolved before classes start.