Category: depression

Rested

I woke up before dawn to pee but was too lazy to get out of bed right away. I ended up being awake and having weird dreams before I got up to go. I don’t know what time it was because I didn’t charge my phone and it had shut off. I plugged it in and then slept in till around 11 or so. I took my meds and then had a sneeze attack. I have been sneezing on and off all day. I took some Benadryl and that has helped somewhat but it made me sluggish. I went to go make coffee and something to eat. I had taken some food home from the party yesterday and had that. I also took out the burgers I froze. I might have them tomorrow.

I read some of the library book I took out. I had another cup of coffee and the rest of the cookies I took home. It’s cooler today than it was yesterday. I sat on my deck to get some sun. I didn’t stay out too long because I can’t stand being hot. My phone caught the heat as it was really warm when I came in the house. I looked at the weather this week and the temps are going to reach 100 Thurs when I have to be in Boston for my four appointments. Hot and humid. Just lovely. Hope my pcp’s office AC is turned on by then. It was really warm when I was there not too long ago when our first heatwave hit.

Other than being stuffy today, I feel somewhat ok. I am worried about tomorrow’s appointment with intake. I fear them calling me my deadname. I will just walk out. This is the place that knew me before I transitioned. I just had another sneeze attack so I took some Flonase. OMG I don’t get why my allergies are so bad when it’s only medium pollen today. I fucking hate this. I keep blowing my nose.

I’m hungry again but I don’t think my burgers are thawed out yet. I really want ramen noodles but I don’t have any. I need to go to the grocery store to get more half and half so I will pick some up when I go, if I remember. Lot of good that does me now though.

Saturday Blog 15062024

I just came home from a family event. One of my aunts asked me inappropriate questions about me being trans. It got uncomfortable. Thankfully another aunt asked questions and she shut up. She is losing her mind and is prejudiced. I avoided her for a long time while she visited when my mother was sick. I don’t go to these events because I get uncomfortable after a while. I took some food to carry home. I froze the burgers that I had. I am utterly exhausted from being out the past couple of hours and just want to fucking cry.

I wasn’t planning on going. I usually don’t go to parties because I usually never get a card. I just don’t believe in paying five bucks for something that is just going to get thrown away. I just wanted to read today and maybe clean my room in between. Now I am so exhausted I don’t know if I am going to be up for the game. I just want to fucking cry and stupid T won’t let me. I hate that I feel things in extremes at times, like I am either feeling joy or sadness or nothing at all. But when I hurt like I am hurting now I can’t do a damn thing about it. My feet hurt, head hurts, heart hurts, and back is cramping. I hate being alive sometimes.

Hot and stormy

I woke up because my sister wanted to tell me she was self-cleaning the oven and that my niece’s boyfriend was home. I got up to make some coffee. I wasn’t on the porch too long before the heavens opened up and it was lightening and thunder. I luckily took the chair cushions in the house. My sister had recycle on the porch but I didn’t have time to take it in. oh well. It was like 1000 degrees in my kitchen. I brought my second cup of coffee to my room.

I was hungry but didn’t know what to eat. I decided I wanted burgers so I went to the Square. I had my prescription to pick up and a library book too. I walked in one big circle. I had just missed the bus going home so I had to wait a half hour. I thought about getting some Starbucks but I am low on funds. I have just enough for a drink and a sandwich Thurs. I want to eat the egg, potato, bacon, and sausage wrap before I donate my blood. I will be in Boston all afternoon that day as I have appointments.

I got a call from the therapy place. They used my deadname in their message and when I called to correct them, they blew me off. I was so pissed. I am glad I listened to the voicemail as the transcription of the message didn’t include the day or time of the appointment. It’s this Monday for intake. Fun. I just hope I am up in the morning.

So I got the book, No Right To An Honest Living by Jacqueline Jones. It is much bigger than I thought it would be. I hope I can finish it in two weeks but something tells me I am not. This is why I love owning my books. I tried getting this on Amazon but it wasn’t available. Even the few bookstores in my area didn’t have it. I might have to order it somewhere online where it is in stock. My former coworker did an interview with her.

The Sox game is in rain delay so I can start reading the book. I am tired even though I had a cup of coffee with dinner. I made two burgers. They were yummy. I will have a couple tomorrow, too.

Short things

I managed to brush my teeth and shower today. I also went to the pharmacy and picked up my meds. I was disappointed they didn’t have my ice cream in stock. I wanted to reward myself for the trip out. I was going to go to the library but I just never made it out that way. I will try tomorrow. I have decided I am going to just take a cab to the police station and then take the T back home. I think that will be easier for than trying to manage bus routes.

I sort of crashed after my shower. I laid down, not even dressed, and snoozed a bit. It’s hot today and I have my AC on so it’s cool in my room. Sox will be playing tonight. I thought they would be off as they are playing interleague but I guess it is a three game series. They won last night. I had sort of given up on them after the 4^th run. They won 8-6. The Celtics are on a tear right now. I am so happy for them.

I haven’t done anything and I am so tired. I had a bad dream last night that woke me up around midnight. It was hard to settle down and then I started reading Moby Dick and it held my interest for a few chapters. I got a few requests for signed books. I will send them out at the end of the month. I just hope I have enough package envelopes. Might need to get more.

I keep having fleeting thoughts of ending my life. They don’t last more than a few minutes but in those minutes, I am pondering of going through with it. The meds I want to use are in a lock box so it will take some time to get to. I just wonder why I am here. It hurts so much to live. I just don’t get it. Part of me wants to reach out to my case worker but I don’t want to go to a crisis team or something. I see my psychiatrist next week. I see everyone next week and I donate blood.