Category: depression

Rough night and reading lectures

I had a hard time sleeping last night. My legs kept spazzing. I took a bunch of different meds but nothing worked. I drank water and then somehow fell asleep after I took my morning meds. I slept till around 2. I haven’t eaten anything since Friday. I have lost my appetite. I have been drinking coffee and having biscuits with it but that has been the only thing I have been eating. I drank a lot of water after I took my shower. I tried trimming my beard but I couldn’t get the length I wanted. I have all these attachments and I don’t know which ones to use. So annoying.

After I came back to my room to get dressed, I did my meds for the week. Then I started reading a few lectures. I have to submit a discussion for class as an introduction. I will do that tomorrow. There is a lot to read. I don’t know how much time to spend on the class. There are also a voice recordings for sections. I have no idea if I am supposed to listen to them or not. I have never done an online class before. There is so much information for this 100 level course. I am kind of shocked. But the good news is there is no papers due for class. Just three exams, which I am not sure includes the final or not.

I am excited. I just took out my notebook so I can take notes. I’ve only been up for a couple of hours and already I feel tired. Least the shaking in my legs stopped. I have no idea if it was a side effect of medication or just restless legs. I was also so damn hot last night, I kept fighting with the blanket. I would take it off and then get cold, then I would sweat. I had to take my tshirt off sometime in the middle of the night. I still sweat so I had to take a shower today. It is much more comfortable in my room now. I have no idea what was going on last night.

I have therapy tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it. I know there was something I wanted to talk about but now I can’t remember what it was. Fuck. I think it was something about it being psychological. I will have to ask her what she means by that and how to control my dreaming if that is what is going on. She drives me crazy. It is a good thing I don’t drink.

Marvelous time ruining every thing

I got up and felt good. I took my meds but I didn’t want to get out of bed. I went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I got up around noon. I checked my messages on my phone and also checked the board for my class but the professor hasn’t posted anything yet. I had a cup of coffee and then got dressed to get my labs done.

I felt ok walking. The streets were clear for the most part. I avoided areas that weren’t shoveled. I mistimed the bus and had to wait like 20 minutes. I just put my earbuds in and listened to Taylor. It was cold and I put an extra layer on as my coat isn’t that warm. It used to have a middle layer but I took it out and have no idea what happened to it. I think the zipper broke and I got rid of it. When I got to the hospital, I stopped for a few minutes at a seating area. My legs still flare up on me. If the online class works out, I might do the rest of my classes online if they are available.

I went to the lab and they had to stick me twice to get blood. Then I cathed to give a urine sample as I didn’t have an urge to go. I knew it was going to be tricky. I tried to drink a lot but I still had no urge when I was there. I am glad I brought the caths with me.

I went home and the bus wasn’t going to there for another 25 mins. I waited inside until I got a sneeze attack and then went outside to wait for it. The bus was loaded with a lot of people and there was a woman who was preaching something as the bus pulled away. She was making such a commotion. I just closed my eyes and listened to my music. She piped down after no one was giving her attention.

I haven’t eaten anything today. I am not really hungry. I probably will have a turkey sandwich. Yesterday I made a turkey sandwich with stuffing and cranberry sauce. It was so fucking good. I kind of want a PB&J so I don’t know what I will make.

I am so tired. Last night I think was the first time I slept from like 1am to 8am, with no interruptions. I didn’t take the trazodone last night. I wanted to see how I would do without it. If I can repeat this tonight, I might stop it and let my psychiatrist know. What my therapist said the other day about my dreams being psychological is sticking in my head. I am so annoyed. I asked a friend if experiencing headaches with dreams was psychological and he said it isn’t usual. I didn’t think it was. I can’t control my dreaming.

Think I am getting sick

My nose has been running and I have been sneezing most of the day. I hope I am not getting sick. I went to the grocery store today with my sister who is recovering from Covid. It has been the first time I have seen her in over a week.

I got a message from UMB IT department about my name change in one of the systems. They said I had to have the name in one of the other system as this system feeds into it. My name was already changed in that system so obviously, something needs to be done. I am kind of freaking out because my online class starts Friday.

I have been feeling depressed on and off all day. It isn’t grief or sadness. Just a low level mood. I want to sleep but I just can’t. My mind keeps going on and on about things. I woke up like a few times during the night but was able to get back to sleep. I slept until my med alarm woke me up. I didn’t get up right away. I got up when my cousin called to cancel taking me to the grocery store. He wasn’t feeling good. My mood sucks. I don’t feel suicidal. I don’t feel that low. I just am worried that I am going to be ok for classes for the first few weeks and then I will ease off because the depression will get worse. I started reading the second textbook for my online class. Not an easy read as it is about sex work in Paraguay. I probably will start reading a chapter a day. But depression interferes with my concentration. Sometimes I just can’t focus.

I am growing out my hair. I want to take some off the top but am scared to do it myself as I am as close as I would like to be. I want the top to be a little longer so I have some bangs. I stopped shaving a couple of days ago. It should all be grown in by the end of the month. My hair grows fast.