Category: depression

Finally some decent sleep

I have been up since 7am. I slept through the night for the first time in a long time. I woke up with my chest hurting because I barely moved during my slumber. I must have curled up into a ball because it was pretty painful. I kind of lost energy around 1030 but I rested and then I got dressed to go to campus. I had to wait twenty minutes for the bus. I didn’t check the schedule until I got to the bus stop. I went to Starbucks and had a mocha and a wrap. I thought about doing some schoolwork while there but I wanted to pick up my stuff from the bookstore.

After I left Starbucks, my legs felt like cement. I was just so tired. I had anxiety right before leaving and wanted to go home. But I pushed myself. The anxiety was persistent throughout the day. I had an anxiety attack right before class. I thought about leaving but I was there so I stayed. I went to class. The professor was back and it was good seeing him. I wasn’t able to print off the extra credit but I was able to email it to the TA. I was glad because after the self-assessment that I took, my grade dropped by twenty points. I am not happy. Class was interesting though my mind kept on floating to other things.

I came home and while I travelled, I listened to the game. I cried as they interviewed the players from the 2004 Sox. It was their 20^th Anniversary and they honored Tim Wakefield. It was just emotional. I remembered the game that won it all. I remember so much from that year. The determination of the way Johnny Damon said they were going to win. And they did. Seven straight games. It wasn’t easy but it was fun to watch. I have to take a shower because I smell like fermented cheese. I am wicked exhausted. I need to make something for supper. I had a Naked juice while I waited for the bus. I just feel so full.

Twice today I thought about calling my mother. It just seems so strange even though it has been a year since she died. I had therapy yesterday and we talked about how my mother brought me to the doctors for anything and everything. She was always interested in my body. As a result, I think I ended up developing dysmorphia from it. I hate the way my body is. I feel like a cow most days and after top surgery, I am still coming to terms with my big stomach.

Anyway, we talked about my medical anxiety as I tend to contact my pcp for things. She seems to think it is in excess. I find it easier to send a message than to call. I still think my chronic illnesses tend to lean me more to contacting my doctors than not. I am completely wiped out and going to stop here. I need to sleep. Hope I have the same slumber as I did last night.

Fatigue sucks

I have been up for only a couple of hours. I had two cups of coffee, some breakfast and then I replaced my laptop battery. I came back to my room and I need a fucking nap. I am so fricken tired. I hate it. I wish I could go take a nap but I got stuff to do. I wanted to work on my book but I am not sure how to do it exactly. I don’t want to be flipping through two documents. Sometimes I see the benefit of having two screens.

I slept ok last night despite waking up at 11pm and not really going back to sleep until like 2am. I stayed up till the end of the game. We lost. I finished chapter 7 in my psych book. I hope to start chapter 8 today. Sox are playing in the afternoon and I am so glad. And then they are in town for Opening Day at Fenway. I want to go to a game this year but not this month as the weather is still fricken cold. I might go in June before the weather gets hot. I don’t think we are going to have a spring. I think we are going to go from winter to summer like usual. It’s supposed to be in the 60s later this week. We’ll see. I don’t remember if it will be cloudy or not. I will have to check.

I have therapy tomorrow. I plan on sharing the free association thing I wrote last week. It isn’t long. I got an email from the Anthro prof. He added content and said he would be grading the obs assignment in the next few days. And I should get the exam 2 grades sometime this week. I hope so because I need to make a decision about whether or not to change my status to P/F or withdraw from course.

I have a busy week. I need to reschedule my surgeon appointment as my psych professor moved the quiz to Thurs. Wed I have an eye exam. My left eye has been bothering me for a while and gets easily irritated. I am hoping to get new glasses. Last year, I only paid $65 for a new pair, with insurance and transition lenses. I don’t know if class is going to be in person or zoom for Tues. I haven’t received notifications on it yet. I need to pick up the stuff I ordered at the bookstore. I got some Tshirts and a new hat.

Saturday Blog 06042024

I never read any of my psych today. I was up in the middle of the night, again, and it is getting so old. I read for a little bit. My groceries came and I put them away and then I went to the square without my book and notebook to get my haircut. I also picked up my meds. Then I came home and I decided to have ice cream for dinner because I couldn’t fucking decide on what to make. I have too many choices. I wasn’t really hungry.

I feel exhausted and I am going to try and stay up till at least 10pm tonight so that I can get some sleep. I have a fucking headache again. Sox are playing at 2130 again. I hate west coast games. Just this weekend and then they are home. Then the games will be at 7 which will be much better. I am so fricken clueless as to what day it is. I am so out of it. So much for looking at my book today. I will try tomorrow.

I am feeling anxious and have palpitations. I thought my heart was racing but the pulse ox says my HR is 95. It is fast but not super fast. I still have tightness/nerve pain in my chest. I have to reschedule the appointment with the surgeon as my psych quiz got moved to Thurs.

I got my battery for my laptop that I hope solves some of the power issues I have been having. I am going to change it tomorrow. Wish me luck that I don’t break anything.

I’m going to bed soon. I feel like crap with this headache. I am also grumpy as fuck. Tomorrow I start me new dose of my blood pressure med. Hope it works. I wish I could cry. I am so damn tearful. I am just so sad.

Will I ever get decent sleep??

I again woke up at 2 am. Seems to be my new normal. I slept for about three hours or so. I don’t really remember what time I laid down last night. Some time after 10 or 1030. I paid attention to the Sox until then. They were leading and ended up winning in extras. I am so fricken tired. I didn’t want to get up today but my bladder had other plans. I got up used the bathroom and then brushed my teeth. I have a dentist appointment in a couple weeks. I got some money from UMB so I think I will finally get my teeth extracted if I don’t chicken out. I think my teethaches will ceased if these teeth are gone. Then I will worry about the fillings.

I watched like two lectures and mid way through one of them, the speaker changed and it was barely audible. I was pissed because he was talking about some of the terms on the exam, which starts today. I am going to listen to the last two lectures after the game and then take the exam tomorrow. I don’t have time to read the stupid articles or watch the damn movies he wants us to see.

It is cold, rainy, and windy today. The temp in my room dropped to 56F so I had to close the window. I am so cold but it is better than being hot. I can’t stand being hot. The wind is howling outside right now. My hands are so cold. I have had to sit on them to warm them up. Post nasal drip has been so bad that my throat is so irritated. I have been using flonase at night to help combat it. I have to sit up for like 20 mins so that I am not coughing or choking on the drip. For some reason, my throat has been dry at times and I start coughing.

Sox win! I thought I would have to cuss out Jansen but he got the strikeout to end the threat he created. Swear that guy likes fans to chew the nails in the ninth with a one run lead. I had some Kung Pao chicken and something spicy got stuck in my broken tooth and now I am in pain. I think the tooth has worn down to the nerve and I’m hurting. I might have to take something for it if it doesn’t settle down on its own. I just took the Latuda. Whenever I take it with a decent amount of food, it makes me sleepy. I hated when they switched the time I took it in the hospital because I would be sleeping and then they would wake me for night time meds. Then I would be awake and have a hard time sleeping. Usually the meds were just senna and blood pressure pill, which are not sedating in the least. I see the dentist in a couple of weeks.

I texted my barber and he has a job with the T and is training so he isn’t in the shop during the week. I will try and see him Saturday. Getting up before noon has been a problem the last few days. Hope I am up tomorrow as my pdoc appointment is at 11.