Category: depression

Feeling sad, tired, and depressed

I had a difficult time sleeping last night. I slept for about maybe 2.5-3 hours and then woke up around 0130. I tried going back to sleep several times but just couldn’t. I finished reading my book and increased the challenge to 16 books so I just have to read three more books for the year. I woke up around 9 and I needed to be up so I could get my prescriptions before my grocery delivery. I didn’t want to leave my bed. It was so hard to move. I felt so sluggish. Having coffee didn’t help. My cousin gave me food so I had the quiche and some sausages for breakfast. I only drank one cup of coffee. I figured if I go out to the Square, I can get Starbucks. I have been in the mood for lemon cake so I got that, too.

I got dressed and then checked the bus schedule. Bus would be here in like 8 mins. I was halfway out the door when I realized I forgot my earbuds. I went back to my room and still had time at the bus stop. I put the buds in and listened to Red TV again. I ordered a snickers latte and lemon loaf. I got them then went to the pharmacy for my meds. There wasn’t a line so I was in and out. The bus home would be there in like fifteen minutes. I drank my latte while I waited. I was saving the lemon loaf for home.

I wanted to write but couldn’t think of what to say. So I finally put the two questions I got from the CBT suicide ideation book into a word doc. Then I just stared at the questions and wondered if I should answer them and how. I am trying to tell myself there are no wrong answers. But then I think of all I went through last year with my suicide attempt and spending three months in the hospital. I had bad dreams about dialysis the other day. I don’t have specific memories just dreams of being on dialysis.

My groceries came and I brought some upstairs with the help of my niece and her boyfriend. My other niece helped me take the rest to my room. I was going to boil chicken in prep for tomorrow but I will just do every thing tomorrow. I plan on making the chicken broccoli casserole again. Now that everyone likes it, I think it will be a keeper. I just got to cut down on the different pans I use for it.

I feel depressed. I want to cry but the tears won’t come. I hope I can sleep through the night. I am going to try and go to bed later tonight. I don’t know what I am going to read. I want to save Managing Suicide Risk for Starbucks. I have a baseball book I haven’t read yet. Maybe I will start that.

Therapy and other stuff

I had therapy today. I managed to drink two cups of coffee before session. I was determined not to do EMDR today because I had wicked bad dreams last night and I didn’t want to get more dysregulated than I already was. When I brought up the dreams, my therapist didn’t even ask about them. I told her they were disturbing and then she was kind of gung-ho about doing an EMDR session. I was like no, not happening. She said I am avoiding again. She really pissed me off but I didn’t tell her that. She never meets me where I am at. At the end of the session, she told me to do one DBT skill for the week. I told her I would try. Now I got to find a skill that I can do.

I realized during session that a bunch of anniversaries are coming up in the next month, particularly in the next two weeks. One is my top surgery. I will be 6 months post op. Then I will have the anniversary of going on T, followed by the anniversary of my mother’s death. I also have my official name change later this month. I am going to do something. I just don’t know what yet.

I have to go grocery shopping for a few items. I need to get a pie for tomorrow as I am going to see my cousin that lives south of Boston. I don’t remember the last time I saw her. It has been a while. It should be a good day. I just hope the traffic isn’t horrible.

I loaded my Starbucks card so now I have funds for coffee. I plan on going there at least a few times a week so I can read Managing Suicide Risk, 3^rd Edition. I want to spend the month reading it. I think it should take me at least two weeks to read it. I also plan on writing a review on it so people can read it. I didn’t get a huge response with my Critical Suicidology review.

Stupid Elon changed Twitter to X without an update on my phone and I am so fucking pissed. Now I am getting X notifications from the people I follow who I don’t ordinarily get them from. Like What the FUCK. I don’t care if Mary retweeted John or quoted him in doing so. I think I am going to take the app off my phone and just look at it when I am on my laptop. I have been on BlueSky. I sort of like it. A lot less hate than X. I hate that Twitter isn’t Twitter anymore. It is just a hate filled cesspool.

I got to shave and do something about my mustache. I need to trim it and I think I am going to try and trim it to one that is above 1/8. Maybe ¾. I don’t know. I just hope I don’t fuck it up so bad I need to shave it off cuz that will suck. I also got to do something about my chin hair. It is ragged and uneven. I can’t trim it too close because then it feels weird and the hairs pinch me when I lick my lips. I will try and see if I can do them the same length as my mustache. Then I will go to the store. I don’t know when I am going to pick up my meds. Maybe tomorrow if I come back early enough from my cousins outing. Otherwise, it will have to wait until Wednesday.