Category: depression

Saturday Blog 06042024

I never read any of my psych today. I was up in the middle of the night, again, and it is getting so old. I read for a little bit. My groceries came and I put them away and then I went to the square without my book and notebook to get my haircut. I also picked up my meds. Then I came home and I decided to have ice cream for dinner because I couldn’t fucking decide on what to make. I have too many choices. I wasn’t really hungry.

I feel exhausted and I am going to try and stay up till at least 10pm tonight so that I can get some sleep. I have a fucking headache again. Sox are playing at 2130 again. I hate west coast games. Just this weekend and then they are home. Then the games will be at 7 which will be much better. I am so fricken clueless as to what day it is. I am so out of it. So much for looking at my book today. I will try tomorrow.

I am feeling anxious and have palpitations. I thought my heart was racing but the pulse ox says my HR is 95. It is fast but not super fast. I still have tightness/nerve pain in my chest. I have to reschedule the appointment with the surgeon as my psych quiz got moved to Thurs.

I got my battery for my laptop that I hope solves some of the power issues I have been having. I am going to change it tomorrow. Wish me luck that I don’t break anything.

I’m going to bed soon. I feel like crap with this headache. I am also grumpy as fuck. Tomorrow I start me new dose of my blood pressure med. Hope it works. I wish I could cry. I am so damn tearful. I am just so sad.

Will I ever get decent sleep??

I again woke up at 2 am. Seems to be my new normal. I slept for about three hours or so. I don’t really remember what time I laid down last night. Some time after 10 or 1030. I paid attention to the Sox until then. They were leading and ended up winning in extras. I am so fricken tired. I didn’t want to get up today but my bladder had other plans. I got up used the bathroom and then brushed my teeth. I have a dentist appointment in a couple weeks. I got some money from UMB so I think I will finally get my teeth extracted if I don’t chicken out. I think my teethaches will ceased if these teeth are gone. Then I will worry about the fillings.

I watched like two lectures and mid way through one of them, the speaker changed and it was barely audible. I was pissed because he was talking about some of the terms on the exam, which starts today. I am going to listen to the last two lectures after the game and then take the exam tomorrow. I don’t have time to read the stupid articles or watch the damn movies he wants us to see.

It is cold, rainy, and windy today. The temp in my room dropped to 56F so I had to close the window. I am so cold but it is better than being hot. I can’t stand being hot. The wind is howling outside right now. My hands are so cold. I have had to sit on them to warm them up. Post nasal drip has been so bad that my throat is so irritated. I have been using flonase at night to help combat it. I have to sit up for like 20 mins so that I am not coughing or choking on the drip. For some reason, my throat has been dry at times and I start coughing.

Sox win! I thought I would have to cuss out Jansen but he got the strikeout to end the threat he created. Swear that guy likes fans to chew the nails in the ninth with a one run lead. I had some Kung Pao chicken and something spicy got stuck in my broken tooth and now I am in pain. I think the tooth has worn down to the nerve and I’m hurting. I might have to take something for it if it doesn’t settle down on its own. I just took the Latuda. Whenever I take it with a decent amount of food, it makes me sleepy. I hated when they switched the time I took it in the hospital because I would be sleeping and then they would wake me for night time meds. Then I would be awake and have a hard time sleeping. Usually the meds were just senna and blood pressure pill, which are not sedating in the least. I see the dentist in a couple of weeks.

I texted my barber and he has a job with the T and is training so he isn’t in the shop during the week. I will try and see him Saturday. Getting up before noon has been a problem the last few days. Hope I am up tomorrow as my pdoc appointment is at 11.

I woke up at 2am sneezing my head off and couldn’t get back to sleep until after 6am. I slept for about an hour and woke up.from a weird dream that gave me a headache. I had my coffee and then another one with something to eat. Then I got my laptop and for four hours I listened to lectures. I couldn’t take the voice of my anthro professor anymore so closed the lid. I was tired and the headache was worse. I tried napping and brain just wouldn’t cooperate. I sneezed some more. Pollen is at a 7 today. I hate spring. The temp has dropped and my room is cold. Supposed to rain the next few days. It was sunny out this morning but now it’s cloudy.

I had therapy yesterday. We talked about my mother and grief. She wants me to write a free association paper on my sadness. I started it and then stopped. I forgot about it until I logged back on the laptop.

I am wicked tired. I wanted to go to an FTM meeting but I got aggravated on Bluesky from the stupid GOP in North Dakota. They want to allow transgenders to become comfortable in their biological self. Such bullshit. Then one guy wanted us on a firing squad and that’s when I got off. I was fuming. Just made me so angry.

The former president of the Sox passed away today. I cried when I read the statement from the family. I really liked this guy as helped win our 1st World Series in 86 years. Baseball will always make me cry. I don’t know why. When I was watching the 2007 World Series DVD, all I did was sob all the way through it. I should watch it as I need a good cry.

My mother’s anniversary is in two days. I’m just so sad. And for some reason I’ve been having a lot of nerve pain in my chest. I don’t know how much is physical or emotional. I just have this heaviness past few days. I don’t think it’s cardiac. I have no other symptoms and my blood pressure has been good. The discomfort is right above my scars. I hope I sleep tonight. I’m so fricken tired.

Easter and Transgender Day of Visibility 2024

Happy Easter to those that celebrate. And happy trans day of visibility. I am wearing my trans rights shirt today. I am having an ok day. I ate a lot and am paying for it now. I hope I don’t have 2am reflux. That would suck.

I sent a message to my psych professor about extra credit and he said I could do it. I found an article I think is what I am looking for. I just need to write it up. I still haven’t heard back from the Anthro professor.

I have therapy tomorrow. I don’t know what I will talk about. I hope I will be up before the appointment so I can have coffee. If my prescription goes through, I will pick it up after therapy. I might go to Starbucks and read my psych book. I need to finish chapter 7 before Tues as we start chapter 8 then. I didn’t get to read today because of Easter. I wanted to, but I just couldn’t do it. I took a shower today and my back was cramping up. It still hurts.