Category: depression

Saturday Blog 23092023

Today I woke up in a mood. I didn’t want to do anything. I decided I was just going to shower and drink coffee. I have done both those things. I had three cups of coffee. I felt ok showering though my back cramped up like it usually does.

I listened to Coldplay for most of the time I have been up, which has only been a couple of hours. I ate. My bro in law made a burger and it was good. He also made potato salad which was good. I also had a turkey sandwich. I just took my Latuda because I figured I might as well. I just did my med boxes for the week. I have to order my OTC stuff and vitamins. I wish my allergy med wasn’t so expensive. I wanted to get a baseball book but now it doesn’t seem wise. I will get it eventually. And the baseball isn’t boring Tshirt. Baseball season will be over next weekend. Then the playoffs will start. I am sort of interested.

I am tired despite me having three cups of coffee. I didn’t really sleep well during the night. I kept waking up from weird dreams. Luckily no headaches. I am not sure what I am going to do this evening. Ballgame was this afternoon. They are still playing as it is 0-0 right now. I might read for a couple of hours. I don’t know. I tried reading last night but it didn’t happen. I just couldn’t focus.

I thought about writing something more for my book but I don’t really know how to put it. I thought about writing about the time a NP made me uncomfortable when I saw her for a foot problem not a transgender issue. I didn’t get any support from my pcp at the time. I have since left that practice due to other reasons. But healthcare professionals really don’t know much about trans health care or even gender affirming care. It is sad.

The temp is cool today though it is rainy, again. Next week I hope to go to my cousin’s house that is south of Boston. Hope the weather that day is nice. I haven’t looked at the weather report because it can change between now and then. It’s kind of cold in my room. I just put on PJ pants. I still have my fan going to give me some air. It’s not that cold yet for me to turn it off.

In a mood

I woke up around noon and I was in such a mood. I got a message from my pcp asking why I needed my pain meds refilled because it was only 2.5 weeks since it was filled and apparently, ten pills was supposed to last me 30 fucking days. I have had a lot of pain recently so I told them this. I still haven’t received a refill yet. Ugh. I hate this bullshit. Then I read that the GOP republicans in the House aren’t getting their spending cuts so we are probably going into another shutdown of the government. Great. Means my sister will be furloughed or not paid. I am so mad.

I had to get more half and half as there was none. I tried having a cup of coffee with my sister’s creamer and it was not coffee. I don’t know what it was. I drank like ¾ of it and then dumped it. I had to go to the grocery store. My phone needed to be charged so I figured I would go when it was. I left the house with cab vouchers and no headphones. I only had $20. I bought literally three things, turkey breast, half and half, and some pre-made chicken for lunch. It came to over $21. I had to use my debit card for like $2. I am glad I am getting paid on Monday. I need to go there again and get something for my cousins get together Tuesday. I have no idea what to get them so I am thinking a cheese platter of some kind. And some soda I like because they told me to get something I like to drink. I forgot to get some Gatorade. I only have four bottles left before I can put in my grocery order for the month. The lemon-lime is out of stock right now. If they don’t become in-stock by the time I place my order, I will have to go to the store and get some.

I left the store as it was a nice day and went to what I thought was a bus stop. Turns out they fucking moved it so I had to walk two blocks to catch the bus. Luckily, the next bus was at a red light so I could board. I am so fucking mad. My city keeps doing shit like this and letting the T get its way. If I wasn’t feeling good, there was no way for me to have walked the two blocks. I would have had to go back to the store to have a cab take me home. Just kills me because I used to be able to walk from that location to my house nearly every day when I worked in that area.

I came home and ate the chicken I bought and made a decent cup of coffee. I ate slow so I wouldn’t have to worry about choking. Some of the chicken was dry so I was careful. It sucks I have to eat mindfully all the time. I can’t eat fast or I might take a too big of a bite and then have problems swallowing it. Just sucks.

I need to take a shower and shave. It has been only two days since my last shave and already I am having some hair on my face again. I have to do something about my mustache because it’s all over the place. I might trim it again. I don’t know. Maybe I will try and get it like my Uncle had his. I can experiment now that I have a decent trimmer. Just hope I don’t mess up and have to take it off.

Eight years ago

Eight years ago, my article for the New York Times was published (https://archive.nytimes.com/opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/09/08/love-hate-and-suicide/?_r=0)

It was a very proud moment for me. I felt I made it as a writer. It was fitting it was published during Suicide Prevention Month, which is September. This is why I wanted to publish my review before September ended.

I am not having a good day. I woke up a few times with severe headaches. And then while eating my lunch, I felt some food get stuck. It wasn’t but it felt like it. I didn’t choke though. I thought no one was home but my nephew was. It freaked me out some. I shouldn’t have cooked the burger so much but I kind of forgot about it as it was cooking so it dried out. Still feels like something is stuck but I am not having a problem swallowing. I think it is just a phantom sensation.

I think I am going to try and go out tomorrow. I have no more cream for my coffee. I haven’t left the house all week. I need to shower but I don’t think it will be today. I am too tired to try. I made a mistake the last time I showered while tired and nearly slipped and fell. I don’t get the new mat until next week when I get paid. I just want to nap. Think I might.

Therapy on a rainy day

I woke up a couple of hours before my therapy appointment. I could hear the rain beat against my AC and window. I didn’t want to get up but I had to pee. My nephew was in the bathroom so I went to the kitchen. It was pouring out but no leaks in the house. Sometimes when it is windy and rainy we get a little water in the house. I went to the bathroom and then went up to my room to take my meds. I had some messages on my phone so I looked through them after I took my meds. My pcp responded to the message I sent over the weekend. She said the iron was ok but the B2 could be increased. She said she will wait until I see my neuro before making changes to see if they help my headaches.

I had two cups of coffee before therapy. Therapy was tough. She continued with the EMDR and today was more intense than last week. I was triggered a few times and it was really difficult. We talked about the trauma my mother put me through, trying to focus on one memory was hard. I had so many in the shower, even as an adult. I just had to make a shower longer while she was in the bathroom just so she didn’t see me naked. She had me transfer to an EMDR website and I don’t think she is going to drop this. I have never seen a therapist that sees past my target moving stuff. This shit is hard.

I have tried writing the review for the book Critical Suicidology. I was getting my notes together and found I didn’t write a short review of chapter four. I might have to re-read it as I don’t really remember what it was about. I should be able to write this thing in the next few days.

I got another migraine. I had to shut the ceiling fan off because the air movement was hurting my head. I took a shower today and shaved the sides and back of my head. I also shaved my face around the goatee. I like how the goatee looks so I think I am going to keep it for a while. I have been talking to a woman on the new social app BlueSky. She is into women so I don’t have a chance with her. She is wicked cute though.

I have been listening to my ERAS playlist with all of Taylor’s songs. It’s a good mash up of songs when I don’t feel like listening to a particular album. I cannot wait till 1989 TV comes out in a few weeks.