Category: depression

Saturday Blog 30032024

I didn’t go to sleep till around 5 am. I listened to the game and when they lost, I was a little bit hyped up so couldn’t go to sleep. I finished my Anthro reading but now I am wondering if I should withdraw from the course because I got a zero on my exam. I emailed the professor when I got up asking if I did fail the exam and not get at least one question right. I was pissed. I tried to “review” the exam but there was nothing for me to actually look at it so fuck it. I have till April 18^th to withdraw. I hate to do it but I rather have a W than an F.

I wanted to leave my house around noon to pick up my meds and get a haircut but one of my meds cost more than I was expecting so I couldn’t get the haircut. I didn’t leave the house till around 4pm, after I had a cup of coffee and something to eat. I made chicken nuggets. I picked up my meds and then went to Starbucks for a coffee and donut. After finishing the donut, I took out my book and read about memory and studying for an hour. I just missed the bus so I had to wait 25 mins for the next one. I just listened to Taylor and finished the rest of my coffee, which I made too sweet by adding hazelnut syrup to it.

Sox have another game at 2130. It was over around midnight. I am going to try and go to sleep then. I have a coffee buzz going on right now. I have to make some vegetables tomorrow for Easter dinner. I am not sure if I want to roast the butternut or mash it like I usually do. I will decide tomorrow. Dinner will be at 4, which is good because I didn’t get up till 2pm today. I tried to get up when my med alarm went off at 10 but I was so tired. These nights of not sleeping are really taking its toll on me. I feel so tired during the day.

Pollen count was high today and my post nasal drip has been awful. My throat is irritated from clearing my throat all the time. I have been using the Flonase at night to help clear up some of the stuff. I hate spring time because of all the pollen.

Good Friday 2024

Happy Good Friday to those who celebrate. I forgot it was this holy day and ate steak. Oops. I am not really religious anyway. Haven’t been to church that wasn’t a wedding or funeral in ages. I had a pretty decent sleep, 5 straight hours after taking a trazodone at like 0030. I woke up to pee and then stayed up to watch the game end before going back to bed. Sox won their first game. Sadly, so did the snakes.

I got up around 12 and had the steak and waffles with my two cups of coffee. Then I tried to finish this paper on transplants but couldn’t. I got tired after reading for an hour and a half. I am getting burnt out in this class. I realized last night that since it takes me three hours to do one reading and there are at least three per week, that is 9 hours and that doesn’t include the 40 min or so lecture or movie that he wants us to watch which is another fricken hour. It’s too much work for this one intro level class. I don’t know if it is like this for all online classes or just this professor. I’ve never taken an online class before so I didn’t know what to expect. I am glad my next semester is in person in the fall. Hope then to have discussions about what we are reading rather than an email with a page of questions. I sent the professor an email asking if grades for exam 1 will be up soon. Exam 2 is next Wed. I still have like 6 readings to do and 2 lectures plus I think one or two videos to watch. Whatever gets done, gets done. I don’t care anymore. I am putting my priority on my psych class as that is my major.

I wanted to go out today but it’s raining and wicked windy. Tomorrow is supposed to be sunny. I am hoping to get my haircut and read my psych book, hopefully at a Starbucks. I need to pick up my meds. I had to call the pharmacy for my Ativan as there was some problem with the insurance. I hate making phone calls. I wish you could just text them instead.

I am so fricken tired and all I did was read and eat. I also had another cup of coffee. Sox have begun their season on the west coast and their games don’t start until 10pm. UGH. I am usually sleeping at that time. I had woken up to the bottom of the 9^th with two outs. They have four games with Seattle. Then Oakland and the Angels. Ugh I might not listen to a game fully until they open at Fenway. Fuck.

Same shit different day

I had a difficult time trying to sleep last night. I don’t remember the time I laid down but I know it was around 0230 that I got up. I could have sworn it was later and I slept but I didn’t. I was tossing and turning. I do this thing with my feet where I do circles. I find that I am often anxious when I do this. I didn’t end up going to sleep until around maybe 6ish. I don’t know. I did finally sleep and then my med alarm woke me up or my bladder did. I don’t remember which. I used the bathroom and then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. It was so hard to get up today around noon. I had class to attend via zoom. I had wanted to pick up my meds but there wasn’t time. I still had to take a shower.

Today is my one year post op anniversary of top surgery. It’s with mixed emotions as it is intertwined with my mother’s death. She never saw what I looked like after surgery. I still had the bandages and drains when she died a week from today.

I went to class. It was interesting but I really didn’t get all that was said. We are moving to chapter 8 next week so I need to read chapter 7 this weekend. My sister made dinner and then I had cheese and crackers with a cup of coffee so I could get through reading Anthro. I read 8 pages in an hour. I am still not done reading the 23 page article. I swear I spend at least three hours per fucking article for this class. It is too much work. And I don’t give a shit anymore. Grades still haven’t been posted. I feel like all I do for this class is read. Every week there are three or more articles to read in addition to lecture and movies. It’s too much.

I am wicked tired and I don’t think I am going to be up to listen to the game tonight. Opening day is today. I got to take my meds soon and I got to pee for the 100^th time today. But at least I showered and don’t stink. I don’t know why my BO smells like fermented cheese. It is really gross. I had to wash it off me. I can’t wait till Saturday when I can get my haircut.

Up early on a Wednesday

I woke up around 3 to pee and I haven’t been able to get back to sleep. My check came in so I paid some bills. The rest will be on billpay. I ordered groceries for this afternoon.

I had my exam yesterday. I immediately had doubts about it and was hoping the question I skipped I went back to. I don’t remember if I did or not. Ugh. Fucking anxiety before and after sucks. I had wanted to start chapter 7 but I got tired. I was up early yesterday morning studying. I don’t think I did well. There were a few students who made up the quiz. I am hoping once they have been resulted we get a curve on it.

I sent a message to my therapist asking her if I could see her despite not knowing what I was doing and she said yes. I meet with her today at noon. I have a webinar this afternoon and hope my groceries get delivered afterwards.

I plan on mixing up my studying today. I will read some Anthro and some psych. I am hoping I can get through the Anthro readings without a problem. Test is next week and I still have no idea what I am doing.

It’s now evening and I haven’t done shit. I tried to sleep after therapy but couldn’t. Therapy went well. We worked on my anxiety and I wrote some stuff down. It really helped. I am so fricken tired. I am going to finish reading the lobbyist article after I write this blog. The Anthro professor sent an email saying grades would be available for exam 1 but it still isn’t posted. We also have the option of reviewing our exam but I don’t see that option either. He really is an asshole. Just give me my damn grade. I have waited long enough.

My groceries just came a little while ago. My niece’s boyfriend helped bringing them up. I bought a lot of food in addition to my Gatorade. I might have to go to another store to get Powerade as Peapod didn’t have the flavor I like. Easter is this weekend and I bought butternut squash as I wanted it. I am usually the only one who eats it. I also bought a small expensive bag of red potatoes. It wasn’t even a full bag. I am so disappointed. And the asparagus isn’t thin. It is regular size, which I was afraid of. It will still be good. They just take a little longer to cook.

I need to shower because I stink. I also need a haircut but my barber isn’t in the shop till Saturday. I have no idea what to do with the top as it has become thin like the rest of it. I want to get a whiffle but I have a wedding to go to in Oct and I am not wanting my hair to be all porcupiny. I would have to get a cut right before the wedding to keep it neat. I can manage it when it is short but I hate it when it grows out. It always looks like I put my finger in a socket.