Category: depression

Saturday Blog 16092023

My niece finally responded to my text today. She has not been home all week and I miss her. I understand that being home has been difficult for her so I understand that she has a place to go to for a bit. I wish I did. Anyways, she posted a couple of videos of my mother and I felt sick. The old hurts returned and I remembered the abuse I went through. Just hearing her voice brought back the old stuff. I remembered that I despised her and still do in some ways. She wasn’t kind to me in some ways.

I’ve spent the afternoon dealing with stuff. I wanted to read but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I watched Friends instead. It made me laugh. My cousin called me while I was watching. I didn’t answer the phone because I didn’t want to talk to him right then. He doesn’t get how bad things get for me. He thinks I am on the same level with him but I am not. I know my depression is worse than his because I have been hospitalized more times than him. I am also suicidal a lot of the time and he isn’t. He doesn’t understand that. We don’t talk about it.

I made an entry on Kindle for my book as an ebook for now. They wanted me to write a description of the book. I wrote one fricken line. I don’t even think it was a hundred characters. I am pathetic. I can’t even expand on my memoir. I am so frustrated. I know every writer has their own way of doing things, their own little perks. I wish I knew what mine was. Probably being concise. I remember when I started this blog, I could easily write 1500 words or more. Now I struggle sometimes just to write 300. I have lost something over the years. Maybe taking a writing class will help me. I don’t know.

I didn’t shower today or shave. I think I am going to try and trim my hair a little bit. I shaved some off the other day and it was too low. I have to go up so I plan on using the trimmer I bought to do the job. If I fuck it up, I will just wear a hat for a while until it grows back out in a week.

I mostly just ate junk food today. I did eat some turkey breast deli meat. It was all I wanted. I wasn’t too hungry today. I ate combos from my sister’s apartment. She was going to make me some pasta but I told her no. She was going to my neighbor’s for dinner and wanted me to come. I just didn’t feel like leaving the house today. I smell as I haven’t showered. I have been scared to take one as the last time I did, I slipped and hurt my knee. I almost fell. I am glad I didn’t do something bad with my knee, even though it hurt like hell. I have to buy a new shower mat. The one my sister has is too narrow. It doesn’t fit the bottom of the shower stall at all. My foot slipped on the part where there was no mat. I don’t know what she did with the other mat she had. She keeps on changing shit and it drives me fucking nuts.

I have 79 pages in my book and almost 12K words. I just need to write another 40-50 pages and I think I can call it done. I am going to include some trans lines and support resources that I got from What’s The T? by Juno Dawson. I think that will be a good thing. I got asked who is my audience and frankly I am thinking those that are transitioning as an adult but not really a young adult or teen. I might have an editor soon. I have two people that have come across. I think I will have two editors so that if one person misses something, it will be caught. The more eyes the better in the writing world. I was thinking of having my second book out just as an ebook. Problem is, I don’t know where the file is. I think it is on my old laptop that needs a new screen. I need to take it to a computer tech so I can get the files off the hard drive. Then I can junk it. This laptop is getting old but once it gets going, works pretty well. I have problems with Edge and even sometimes FireFox doesn’t load my email. I think it is a Microsoft issue. I just had an update on this thing so I am good for the next week or two. I had to do a hard reset the other day and lost part of my blog that I wrote because I didn’t save it. Learned my lesson.

Writing and reading Friday

I felt ok enough to leave the house for a couple of hours. I went to Starbucks to have coffee and have lunch. I made a turkey wrap before leaving the house. It was a nice day to be out. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription after I read a chapter. I wanted to read at least two but I was getting antsy and wanted to go home.

For some reason, my chest feels tight and I have some nerve pain going on. I just can’t seem to get the muscles in the middle of my chest to relax. I have moved my arms and tried stretching my trunk but nothing seems to help it. I feel tired now that I have been out. I want to make a burger on the grill again for dinner.

My pcp emailed me back today. I had asked the other day if I could donate blood after my recent blood work. My counts looked good to me and even though my iron studies looked a little better, I thought I was ok. She thinks I will be ok but wants me to take an iron supplement as my levels are still low to indicate anemia. I made an appointment for blood donation at the end of the month. I will be starting the iron again this weekend. I am to let her know if I get worsening constipation. I take senna every night so I am not worried.

Last night, a person I messaged about my book messaged back. We spent a good hour or so talking. She thought I was a trans woman as the group I got her name from is predominantly trans women. I corrected her and then she messaged saying that someone was looking for a trans man to talk about phalloplasty. I have no interest in this procedure. She did give me some ideas about what to write. She said she would look over what I had written so far and get back to me next week.

I was interested in finding more about queries as I know you need to “pitch” to publishing houses and the like. I went to the Grub Street site and they have an LGBTQ writers weekend coming up the end of October. I signed up for a few things that were free. I will sign up for a publishing thing when I get paid next. I hope it won’t be sold out by the time I get paid. I have no idea where in Boston it will be. I tried finding out but it doesn’t seem to list the location, unless I just can’t find it. I might call and find out. I know they moved from their Tremont Street location to somewhere in Back Bay I think. I am excited about this. Maybe I will meet some writing people that I can become friends with.