Category: depression

Migraine and a webinar

I managed to get up for my 10am appointment with my pcp. We talked about things and then I asked about blood levels. She ordered a T level as well as some iron studies. I plan on getting my bloods done tomorrow as the time is right for checking my T level. I also plan on getting my haircut again. I can’t stand it not being buzzed. I wish I had the energy to shave it like I used to.

I was bored after the appointment and had a good four hours to kill before the webinar with David Jobes. I had lunch and was on social media. I thought about reading but couldn’t bring myself to do it. The game was going on as they got rained out last night. I kept checking the score on my phone. Hunter Hayes posted his updated tour dates and he is coming to Boston. I think I am going to see him, if tickets aren’t outrageous. He is playing at a club near Boston University. I chatted with my friend who knows how much I love David Jobes. Then came webinar time.

It was so good. The webinar was about the third edition of Managing Suicide Risk. I will be posting a blog about it after I read it. There is some new information and the SSF (suicide status form) is in the fifth edition. He said he doesn’t expect it to change. They are working on an SSF for kids and teens. I thought that would be great. There are a lot of studies going on with CAMS, including one in Boston that is set to start sometime next month or within the next few months. After the webinar, I searched to get the pdf of the SSF 5. I had to sign in to get it. It is wonderful to have it as you can fill it in as you go. I love this tool so much.

After I found it, I got the biggest pressure in my head. I had to lie down for a bit. My head was going to explode. I took my migraine med. I waited for the pressure to ease up before I logged back on my laptop. It would boot up or unsleep or whatever so I did a hard restart. Damn thing lost my original blog so I had to write it over. I am not happy! I need to get a new laptop but I don’t have like $1500 to get it. It will take me a good while before I can save up that much. I just got to keep this one going long enough. It works, it is just slow. I had some problems with internet connection. I don’t know if it was because the laptop was doing updates or the internet was bad. I am connected to my nephew’s so maybe I need to switch to mine. I don’t know. It is going to rain this weekend so I probably will have migraines throughout. Just sucks.

I missed my appointment with my therapist yesterday. I slept through it. I can’t believe I did that. I rescheduled for 9 on Thursday which is kind of bad as I am not one to be awake and functioning at the hour. I barely made it through my pcp’s appointment today and it was at 10. Just hope I get enough sleep is all. I set various alarms so we’ll see.

Some errands run

I was supposed to have therapy at 11 but I never woke up in time. I woke up at 1230 and got caught up in my messages. I texted my therapist, apologizing for missing our appointment. The only time open that she has is 8am Wed which is a no go for me. I don’t do morning appointments. I will have to see if I keep my appointment tomorrow with my pcp as they changed it to 10am. I set some alarms so hopefully that will get me up and have at least one cup of coffee.

I want to go out after I had three cups of coffee but I rested. I just could not get going. I finally forced myself out the door around 3pm. It was getting dark and gloomy and I didn’t want to get stuck in the rain.

I have a migraine as there are storms in the area. Within a half hour of me being home, it started to downpour. I was glad I was home and not out. I took some ibuprofen as my tooth started hurting. I don’t know which one it is but there are three of them that hurt about the same time. I think the last one needs a root canal as it is very sensitive to temperature. I really think I need to get back on MassHealth so I will have dental care and it can do all the work that needs to be done. Trouble will be finding a dentist that takes MassHealth.

Last week I went to the casino and saw Sara Evans. She was great. I love her a lot. I did a LOT of walking in the casino. So much so that Saturday I was in bed the whole day. I didn’t get up except to use the bathroom. I was toast. I was so tired. My ankle/foot flared up. I honestly have no idea how I dealt with the pain before. It was bad. I was taking pain meds to keep it at bay. It helped. Yesterday my sister had a get together with some of my brother in law’s friends. It was a good time. The food was good. I ate too much as I was up around 2am with heartburn. It was awful. I feel better now.

Up early

I woke up around 2am and had a difficult time getting back to sleep so around 4, I gave up. I wrote some stuff in my memoir that I wanted to write. I think I wrote close to three pages. I don’t know what else I am to write as I covered everything. I am tired now and want to go back to sleep but I know if I do, I will feel like shit. Today is T shot day so I took my shot early. I have therapy today. I sent her a message the other day about how I want to try EMDR to see if it will help me. I don’t know if it has to be in person or we can do it virtually. I forgot to ask but will today. I know we talked about it before and she said she has done it virtually.  I am kind of skeptical about it but I am really coming down to the last resorts of things.

After therapy, I plan on going to the Square and getting some Starbucks. I want to try and read Managing Suicide Risk as there is a webinar next week. I don’t think I can read the whole thing in a week with my energy levels being low to nonexistent most of the time. I am going to have to really push myself if I want to get this done. There is some new information that I want to share with my therapist that I think is important, even though right now I am not suicidal.

Today’s writing prompt is kind of hard. It asks where you have gone the farthest and to tell a story about it. I am not good in writing stories. It’s hard to be a story teller. I also would have a difficult time deciding if it was Barcelona or Omaha, Nebraska to write about. I could possibly tell a story about Barcelona. It was a fun time even though we were there for just a weekend. The sad part is, I ended up getting pneumonia because I sat and slept the whole ride home on the plane. I was sick for a month afterwards. It was not good. I was running fevers and got delusional.

I am tired but I am going to make coffee soon. I might make some eggs, too. I am craving eggs with cheese on it. I might make a sandwich out of it but I am not sure if I want a burrito or toast. I will decide when I get downstairs. Yesterday, all I had was some rice. I really didn’t want anything else.

I have no idea what else to write on my memoir. I guess I can write about the care I get at the doctors. I’ve been lucky that this state is accepting and provides gender affirming care. There was a primary care practice where I didn’t receive good care. I ended up leaving it. I am glad I did because the doctor and I didn’t get along.

A person for the bereavement group sent an email out saying her mother was in hospice and doesn’t have that much longer to live. I feel so bad. She just lost her father and now her mother. That is really tough. I wish there was something more I could do for her.

Therapy went ok. We talked about being hypervigilant and how it is that I get stuck in it. She kept saying what do I feel and when I described it, she said that was cognition not feeling. But that is how it is when I am hypervigilant, I start overthinking stuff and get hyped up. I rarely can sleep. It takes a long while to calm down once I get aroused. She thinks EMDR will help. She wanted to know why I am choosing this and I said I haven’t tried it so worth a shot. She said I needed to have other coping skills as that is what is needed. I told her I would look it up on the DBT app that I have for distress tolerance things.

After therapy, I planned on going to the Square to sit at Starbucks to read and then pick up my meds. I had to get money out of my account so I had to go to the bank that was in the next town. It was easier to get to than going to the one that I had to walk to. It was quite a warm day and I didn’t feel like walking there so went to another location. The guy at the bank had to make a few phone calls to get my account on my debit card. Once he knew how to add my account, I was good to go. My sister texted me asking if I wanted a burger and I said yes. It was getting late so I decided to just get another coffee and then pick up my meds. If I was up, I would just read in my room. This might turn on the gears in my head, preventing me from sleeping, especially as this is what I am going to a webinar for. I will jot down questions I have if they come up. I have a few days to sort of read through this book. I don’t think I am going to get through even half of it by next Tues. I have been focusing on finishing the other suicidology book I have been reading. I am only three chapters away from finishing it. I plan on writing a review for it. I have been making notes and writing my thoughts after I finish a chapter. I can’t believe I am almost done with it as it was really hard to get into at first.

I came home and my sister was still “at work”. She was working from home but still had some stuff to do so I made the burgers. They came out ok. It was a little dry so I had to remind myself to take small bites. My room was hot when I came upstairs as I shut the AC off while I was out. I got a little bit of a tan while I was waiting for the bus. I shaved so I wouldn’t have to while I am gone. I will be spending the night in Connecticut tomorrow night so I can see Sara Evans. It is my first time seeing her in concert. I love her music so I am sure it is going to be good. I hope I win something at the casino. I am bringing just $40 with me so I hope I win something. It has been a long time since I played there. I don’t remember the last time I was there it has been so long. I packed my bag and a book. I am also bringing a mask because people are gross. I hope I sleep tonight. My sister wants to leave around 11 tomorrow. I just hope I have at least two cups of coffee before we go.