Category: depression

A cuppa and vegetables

I had a stinky night sleeping, or lack there of. I woke up around 1 and then again at 3 with a splitting headache. I was up before my med alarm and I contemplated sending a message to my therapist to cancel. She beat me to it. She had to cancel for today. I will see her tomorrow at the same time.

I got up and made a cold cut sandwich with my first cup of coffee. Then I had a second cup and wanted to go to the grocery store to pick up some half and half and maybe a frozen pizza but I wasn’t sure I could walk that far again. I thought about possibly taking a cab home once I got there. I might do this tomorrow. I went back to my room but then had to go to the bathroom so I went back downstairs. I then decided to make the zucchini. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of iced tea. After I ate, I cut up the zucchini and then put in a pan to roast for an hour. I stayed in the kitchen and I wanted a cup of tea so I made it. I have been eating since I got up. I had half the zucchini when it was done. It was so good. I will have the second bowl when I go back down when I have to use the bathroom again.

I brought the tea up to my room and am listening to Speak Now TV. My 1989TV hasn’t come yet. I have been emailing them but they just said it could be on its way. I think it is lost and they don’t want to send me what I bought. I have been nice but now it has been three fucking weeks since I paid and I don’t have it so I am pissed. I am going to wait till Wed and then send a nasty email that if they don’t resend it, I want a refund.

My sister’s birthday is this week. I talked with my baby sister and we are going to make dinner for her. I am in charge of potatoes. The water meter guy is supposed to come that day to change the meter. I have to wake up early for it. I hope they come when they say and not later.

I just got a text from my pharmacy. They will be asking my neuro for an alternative med for my new migraine med as they can’t fill it. I called another pharmacy and they don’t have the med in stock either. I sent my neuro a message asking what to do. Looks like I will continue to be getting headaches the longer this goes on.

I haven’t brushed my teeth yet and I need to shave. My sister said that it looks like I have a bowl on my head so I am going to try and trim the sides a bit. If I fuck up, I will wait a week and see my barber. The sides are a bit too low for me anyways. I like it high and tight. My hair grows so damn fast.

Sunday blog 12112023

I’ve had a boring day. I did some stuff. I showered and shaved. My back didn’t like me standing for some reason. It was fine until I was in the bathroom and it cramped up on me. I had to sit after I brushed my teeth and again after I shaved. I had to sit a few times in the shower. I let the hot water on my back but it didn’t do much. I was not happy.

I had one cup of coffee when I got up. I had a crappy sleep, again. I had this dream I was at work and every time I wanted to go to lunch something came up. It was annoying. I of course woke up with a damn headache. My new migraine med isn’t going to be ready until Tues, I hope. I did my meds for the week. The pharmacy texted me asking if I wanted one of my blood pressure meds refilled and I don’t need it so I didn’t. I have enough for a few weeks. I am starting the increased dose of my antidepressant tonight. I hope it doesn’t cause me to be jittery.

I am making a pot pie for supper. It should be ready in an hour or so. I have to make zucchini tomorrow or it will go bad. I meant to make it today but I just remembered about it. I plan on roasting it. I don’t have the patience to do the breadcrumb and egg. I haven’t made a single zucchini bread with all the zucchini my sister pulled from her garden. I have no idea what my sister did with my recipes. I have to ask her.

I have therapy tomorrow. I don’t know if I am going to be a bitch and cancel on her or not. She really upset me at the last session. We have been talking about my suicidality for the past week, after she invited me to open up and trust her and then she hits me with a I need a break from it. Sorry, it has been a part of my life for fucking 40 years, I can’t break from it. I mean, I do read things that aren’t always about it. I told her what I was reading, the Education of Henry Adams, and she made fun of me. I always seem to be in the wrong with her. Then when I get pissed off, I am angry all the time. UGH. I usually shut down and don’t speak.

For the past several hours, I’ve been trying to write. I added almost 200 words to my suicidaliyy essay. I read it over. It is good writing. I might blog it when I am done. But it took me a really long time to write something.

I keep thinking about how I was eight and suicidal. By the time I was ten, I was a planner. I didn’t know what was causing me so much pain but I was in agony. I pretended things were fine but I ached so bad inside. I just knew I had to die. Some parts of me still feel like this might still happen.

I don’t have the energy to concentrate for reading. I shaved finally though it took me most of the day to do it. I just couldn’t find the energy. I’ve been down most of the day. I just want to sleep. I woke up around 4 with my shirt all wet. I’ve been having night sweats for a couple of weeks now. I sent a message to my doc but haven’t heard back. Maybe tomorrow.

I got to pick up my meds tomorrow. The new migraine med should be ready. I might go to Starbucks and read for a bit before picking them up.

A busy day

I got up this morning and the last of my half and half was used. I had to go out and get it. I wasn’t feeling that great but I brushed my teeth and got dressed. I went to the bus stop and the bus went past where I was used to. I guess they took away that bus stop as well. I had to walk farther to get to the grocery store. I was struggling when I reached the parking lot. I kept walking and thankfully there was a bench near the door I wanted to go into. I sat for a little bit before entering the store. Of course the half and half was at the back of the store. I was so fucking tired. I grabbed a carton and went back toward the registers. I paid then went back to the same bench to rest for a few more minutes. I made my way through the parking lot but had to stop at one of the houses and sat on the stairs for a bit. I was starting to feel like I was going to have an asthma attack. I was really struggling to breathe. There was a park about half a block from the house and it had some seats. I sat for a bit and checked to see when the bus would be there. It would be there in like 6 minutes so I sat for a minute or two. I knew it wouldn’t take me long to get there but I didn’t know if there was going to be a seated bus stop when I got there. There wasn’t. There was a bench but it was back away from the street. I didn’t want to miss the bus so I stood and my hamstrings hated me. Bus came and I got off on my regular stop. I thought about getting off on the stop before it but that would mean walking uphill to my house and there was no fucking way I was going to be able to do that. I was already wheezing by the time I reached the street that I swear is a mile long to my house. I sat on my porch for a few minutes before I got in the house. I was wheezing and coughing. I really exerted myself. Just for a half gallon of half and half. Just for a cup of coffee.

I made it into the house and relaxed a bit. I made my coffee. It was so good. I had a couple of hours before I was to have a phone call to my friend in England. I was too tired to cook anything. I just drank my coffee and then went up to my room to relax. I texted my sister and she wanted me to come down. I didn’t feel like going anywhere. I looked at my health thingy that counts my steps and I did over 2700. I was getting hungry and thought about making a burrito with cheesy eggs. I went back downstairs but the tortilla wraps were gone. I heated up some chili instead. It was so fucking good. I still needed to make the chicken I took out the other night. I found some red potatoes and took them out. I got a message from my doctor saying my new migraine med had been approved. I wasn’t in the mood to call the pharmacy and be on hold for an hour.

I talked to my friend for about an hour. Time went by so fast. We got caught up as we haven’t chatted in so long. Then I went back downstairs to cut up the potatoes and roast the chicken. I put it in and it is cooking as we speak.

I had a shit night again. I woke up around 4 with a bad toothache. I took some ibuprofen. It seems to work as good as pain meds so I took it. I thought about eating something so it wouldn’t wreck my stomach but I knew that would cause me more pain. After an hour of being in pain, the ibuprofen kicked in and I was able to sleep until 930ish. I woke up with my shirt wet. I have been waking up with sweats for the past several days. I don’t know if it is because I just get hot while sleeping or something else. My liver function is normal so I am not so worried about it. I will mention it to my pcp when I see her next month. I hope by then the new migraine med is working and my sleep is better.

I registered for classes for the spring and I hope that I get financial aid so I can attend them. Last night I was talking to my friend in Australia and I got stuck with the feelings about suicidality and being trans. I wrote about another paragraph to my suicidality essay that I am not sure what the fuck I am doing with. It’s like my book, just a bunch of ideas strung together but shorter. I don’t know if I want to add it to my book or blog it. I’ll play with it another week and then decide.