Category: depression

Feel like shit today

I woke up in the middle of the night again to pee and it took a while to get back to sleep. Then I woke up a few hours later to pee again. It was around 730 so I took my meds and went back to sleep. I don’t know what happened but when my med alarm went off at 10, I felt like absolute shit and had a bad hangover. I got my migraine med and brought it up to my room to bring it to room temp before injecting it. My sister called me around noon and I reluctantly got up. I wasn’t going to go to class. It was too late and I wasn’t in the mood to “fly”. I had some coffee and I wanted McD’s.

I responded to my therapist’s question but haven’t had a response yet. I struggled to stay awake for most of the day and then around 3 I gave up. I rested until around 1830. I had some ice cream and now my teeth hurt from the cold. I got a cold sore on my lip that hurts. I finally got some medicine for it. It is helping to ease the pain. It sucks I can’t drink while the medicine is on because I tend to wipe it off. I have been feeling so off today. The nap helped. I woke up to it pouring out. There was some thunderstorms in the area but I didn’t hear it.

Sox lost today. It was a day game so I was expecting it. I am glad they played when they did or they might have had a rain postponement. Now they will be in Minnesota and it will be late game times. I have my night free so I think I am going to re-read chapter 10. I wanted to do it this afternoon but I took a nap instead. I managed a shave and a shower today. I think that is why I needed a nap afterwards. I was hoping the shower would get rid of the shittiness but it didn’t. I had fleeting thoughts of suicidality today. I wanted to text my therapist but thought better of it.

I haven’t quite decided how I will get to my appointment tomorrow. I can take a cab or I can take the T and walk there. I will decide tomorrow. Sucks because either way, I can’t have Starbucks.

Day of studying

I had interrupted sleep and wanted to sleep later but workers came to do stuff around the house and they were fucking loud. I got up around 10. I took my shot as today was T day. Tomorrow will be my migraine med. I hate that shot more than my T because it hurts while injecting.

I had no idea what to eat so I ordered something I haven’t had in a while. I wanted to do my school work in my room but by the time I finished lunch, the workers had decided to work on my side of the house and I couldn’t concentrate. I went down to the kitchen where it was somewhat more quieter. I did the two chapters. It took me nearly two hours to do. There was a lot of words with lengthy definitions. I hope I remember them all. The prof has posted keys to exams and quizzes. I will go over them this weekend. He still hasn’t posted grades for exam 3 yet. I am anxiously waiting for it as I decide to take the final or not. It is optional. It will either improve my grade or keep it the same. I emailed the prof to see if my grade is what I think it is (B-). I have extra credit so I am hoping to at least get up to a B but it all depends on exam 3 grades. Exam 4 is next week. I don’t know if grades will be posted before the final.

I had sent a message to my therapist saying I was in therapy because of chronic depression. She then asked what did I want to do about it as I had “options”. I am so tired of this narrative. Like, every other month she asks what am I doing in therapy. I am tired. I feel like I shouldn’t have to justify why I need it. Makes me want to cancel our appointment and just not make a new one. I see my new case manager Friday. Maybe she can help me with therapy. I am kind of stressed to the point where I am thinking about ending things again and nothing really triggered it. I just had a vague thought and it morphed into why the fuck not. I don’t feel like I am good enough. I know my therapist triggers my PTSD at times. And I really think she doesn’t understand trauma at all.

I wanted to shower today but never got around to it. I ate ice cream for my dinner. I hope to shower tomorrow before I leave for class. I won’t be able to shave unless I get up early. Getting up when my med alarm goes off at 9 has been a challenge. I tried formatting my book today and found that 60 pages are gone. Ugh. I am not sure how the book looks. I got to go through it, page by page to see how the format took. I might be able to add in a few pages but not 60. I feel defeated as I worked so hard on this and it isn’t even 100 pages long. I will go through it this weekend. I need to concentrate on my exam and potentially my final.

Semester winding down

I went to class today. There are just two more left for the semester. I saw NP this morning for my chest pain. X-ray showed some calcification and I waiting to see if that is why I am in pain. I didn’t take any pain meds this morning before leaving the house. I didn’t even have coffee because I got up late. The Starbucks by my pcp’s office is still under renovations so I had Dunkin coffee which was not that good. I didn’t even finish it.

I was starving when I got out of class so ordered some pizza. It was okay. I’ve had better. I am wicked tired. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I used the bathroom around 2 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I read my psych textbook and then was able to get back to sleep. I thought about staying up but I knew around 7ish I would feel tired. I woke up again before 9 to pee. I think I might have a UTI as the urge has been wicked strong. Part of the reason I lost control of my bladder the other day was because I just couldn’t hold it anymore. I really tried. Now I am having symptoms and I hate it. I had to use my sister’s bathroom last night and this morning because someone was in the bathroom when I had to go. I didn’t want to pee my pants again so I went downstairs.

I had therapy yesterday and I am still thinking about why I am in therapy. I have been with the same therapist for almost five years. Some days, therapy goes ok and other days I wonder why I am in it. I know I probably need a different therapist as mine is just not helpful. But then I think, what if I run into the same issue with another therapist? What then?

Game will start in about fifteen minutes. I will listen along and hope I can stay awake. I need to take my night meds soon. I am planning on finishing up studying for psych tomorrow. Not sure if I will go to Starbucks or not. Depends on what time I get up. I have been having a hard time getting up before 10am most days. This needs to change of there is no way I am going to be able to make my 11am class in the fall. I am not a morning person. It’s going to be difficult. I just tried to get it from the app and it has another program on. I can either turn on the radio and listen or just follow along for highlights…

I got a call from DMH today. I finally have a case worker. I meet with her on Friday. She sounds okay. Maybe she can help me sort out my therapy situation. I kind of lost the reason why I am going other than I need to but the why isn’t clear to me. Stupid pharmacy put in a refill on my sleep meds when I didn’t need it. My psychiatrist ended up giving me a 90 day supply. I canceled the order. I don’t need 90 day supply. I still have 20+ tablets left from what he gave me last month. I haven’t taken any in a week or two because my sleep has been somewhat better. I am going to sleep but just having a hard time staying asleep.