Category: depression

Squirrels in my brain

I had another rough night. I had dreams and headaches. I woke up around 5 with my head in excruciating pain. I took my migraine med and I only had one left. I did a refill. I will pick it up tomorrow. I was able to get back to sleep. I woke up again around 10. My sister made chili and wanted me to put it away. I had some and then put it away while I had my coffee. I did a few loads of laundry. I want to go out to get some half and half but I ran out of energy. I will go tomorrow.

I managed to brush my teeth but I haven’t shaved yet. I don’t know if I am going to. Might do it tomorrow. Or I might use the electric shaver. I have been doing that on days I don’t have the energy to shave in the bathroom. I took out chicken last night and didn’t have a chance to cook it today. I will do that tomorrow, maybe after I make a run to the grocery store.

I had a meeting with my psychiatrist. Our internet was bad so he called me. We talked about the DMH decision and how I remedied it. I will call this week to see if they have received the documents. We also talked about going up on the Effexor. He will be calling in a script for 75 mg, bringing my dose to the max of 225 mg. It has been the only antidepressant that really hasn’t caused me side effects and has helped with my mood. I told him my neuro thinks the headaches are migraines and has put me on an injector medication. I should hopefully hear this week whether it has been approved by my insurance.

I feel kind of down. I did stuff I didn’t plan on doing but needed to be done. I wish I had the energy to go out but I can do it tomorrow. I just hope I get some decent sleep or I am not going to want to do anything. I haven’t touched my book the last few days because frankly, I just can’t stop reading it when I pick it up. It is so fricken good. If you haven’t read The Education of Henry Adams, you should. It is a good book.

I think I am going to watch Friends. I keep watching the same reels on Facebook and I miss it so much. Matthew Perry was Chandler and I know he didn’t want to be remembered as just Chandler but I think he will. He is the guy that made a lot of people laugh and people need laughter over everything else.

Set fire to the rain

I didn’t have a good night sleeping. I had bad dreams and headaches. I really didn’t want to go to therapy. I managed to brush my teeth, shave and shower. I was home alone so thought about my mother. I miss her so much. I am wearing an old tshirt. I never realized how tight it was in the chest until now. It is comfortable now that I am flat. It is so odd that today my mood has gone from feeling sad to feeling joy to feeling sad and going back and forth.

I had therapy. We did a stabilization worksheet that I pulled up. It was lame. I wrote down stuff I usually do and she wanted me to do things I don’t do. She wanted me to do something that gave me purpose but I couldn’t think of anything. Most I listed was emptying the dishwasher. Before I knew it, our time was up. We made an appointment for next week. I am glad because I don’t think I could handle another appointment this week.

I feel like I have squirrels in my brain. I can’t seem to focus. Right foot is bothering me. It is the pain I have had the last few months. I have no idea what is causing this pain. I am ok when I walk. My calf hurts when I move my foot. It’s probably all connected somehow. My CRPS foot is cold. It is cold today. I haven’t left the house. I still need to bring my recycling down to the bin.

I feel like a nobody. I feel like I will never amount to anything. My illness has taken so much from me. My therapist thinks that I can recover from depression cognitively. I don’t know about this. I just get through the day to day stuff. Today it is hitting me hard. Grief is hitting me hard and I feel like I just want to die. The beginning part of the stabilization document had to do with lethal means. I told my therapist I didn’t have a plan but I do. I don’t plan on acting on it anytime soon.

Saturday Blog 04112023

Today marks the 7^th month my mother has been dead. It is also my 7^th month of being post op for top surgery. I am feeling really sad today. I had to leave the house to get my meds. I honestly didn’t want to leave the house but I forced myself to. I had therapy on Thursday and I told her I would look over the cognitive dissonance papers that I got from the hospital last year. I know where the papers are, but I still haven’t retrieved them. I went to Starbucks to hopefully read a chapter but I just read a little bit. In the Chapter was Shneidman’s cubic model of suicide. I sent it to my therapist. I think it would be important to use such a simple scale around my suicidality. I am not really actively suicidal but the thoughts have been crossing my mind. I don’t stay there long like I used to.

I have been down most of the day and it is really hard trying to write what I feel. I took out the papers on cognitive dissonance. I will go through them tonight. I am having a hard time collecting my thoughts because I sort of feel suicidal and I don’t know if I should text my therapist or not. I am safe so I am thinking not. I just feel overwhelmed and don’t want to be anymore. I haven’t been able to read my book. I tried to read more than a few pages today but I just couldn’t sit there and do it. I just felt so damn low.

It’s been a while since I felt this low. Usually I just feel sad and it goes away. But being depressed is different. It doesn’t go away on its own usually. I haven’t showered and I smell. My sister said that she is going to take the hamper away from the bathroom. I don’t like this at all. I will still keep my dirty clothes there. I am not going to take them up to my room. They will never get washed. Makes me angry she wants to change things around.

My foot is hurting again. It has been off and on throughout the day. I don’t remember the last time I showered so I probably should tomorrow after I shave my head again. I managed to brush my teeth. Little things.