Category: depression

My worth

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I woke up today dreading the day, wishing I were dead. I tried consoling myself by saying it is only one day but I felt miserable. I had therapy and my therapist didn’t seem concerned with my apathy and despair. We talked about what to get out of therapy more. She suggested EMDR. I told her I would look into it. She said it is an approved therapy. I was shocked to hear this as it was still experimental when I first learned of it. Course, that was nearly thirty years ago.

After therapy, I pondered what to do. I still need to bring the books I bought to my pcp’s office. I also need to pick up my meds. I just couldn’t get going so I did nothing. Until I realized I am out of mirtazepine. I forgot to pick it up yesterday. So I walked to the pharmacy around the block. My right ankle has been bothering me the last couple of days. It was ok until I hit the cement sidewalk. It got better as I walked down the street that I swear turns into a mile when I walk it. I had to walk uphill for about 200 feet and it killed me. There were people along the sitting areas so I couldn’t stop. I rested at the entrance. I looked at my phone as my cousin texted me. I was out of breath and I still had to go in the back of the store to get my meds. My calves were building up with lactic acid by the time I left. The guy that was on the bench had left so I sat for a while before turning onto the street that becomes too long. I finally got to my house and a tuxedo cat was on my porch. It startled me. I sat and collected myself while the cat ate.

I came across this meme and it is so me. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Either my physical pain will flare or my mental pain will and when both do, I am in trouble. I could have asked my niece to pick up my meds but I wanted to go out. It was a nice day. Wasn’t too warm. Summer is almost over. Baseball season has a month left of games. I needed to go out to prove my worth. I may hurt later tonight but that is ok. It isn’t but what’s done is done.

long day for one recipe

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Long day for one recipe

I wanted to make chicken broccoli casserole so I had my cousin take me to the grocery store this morning. I woke up and had a cup of coffee. I had a headache but it went away without me having to take something for it. I was tired but determined to make this. I bought what I needed and then came home.

I cooked the chicken and then let it cool. My niece put it in the fridge. I shredded it up as I made the broccoli. I swear this recipe called for like two hours but it damn near took all afternoon. After I cooked the broccoli, I made the rice using the same water. I didn’t want to have a lot of pans to clean. As the rice was cooking, I prepared the chicken mixture. It was hard to get a cup of sour cream and half a cup of mayonnaise measured and then out of the measuring cup. I then got the cheese and loaded it up. When the rice was done, I just poured it in the baking dish. Then layered the broccoli and chicken mix. I topped if off with cheese and then popped it in the oven. I waited until it was done. I was so tired, I didn’t eat it right away. I went up to my room to rest. I kept doing this until things were done. I had so much leftover. I plan on bringing some to my barber.

My toner came for my printer. I just need to put it in. I am in no rush. I don’t want to go to therapy tomorrow. I might cancel. I don’t know if I am going to be up by 11 tomorrow morning. I thought I had Shania Twain’s Come on Over CD but I don’t. I had it once upon a time but no longer do. I had a burned copy but for some reason it won’t play. Figures. She has just came out with a Diamond version but it is too expensive for me. I just bought the regular one. I think this album is her finest work.

The album has the first song that I ever wanted to be for my wedding if I ever got married. Now I listen to it and I just think of my first love. The whole album was ours. It hurts to listen to some of the songs as they bring back memories. My ex wanted to get back with me but I blocked her on FB. She just wants me for one thing. I still love her but that is all that remains of our relationship. It isn’t enough anymore.

I couldn’t sleep last night so I took a shower around 145am. It didn’t help. I was still up for a few hours. I am becoming insomniac again. Not good because it makes my mood so terrible. I can get by with at least five hours of sleep a night but it is hard. I avoided reading because the last time I read the suicidology book, it filled me with ideas. I still need to find the book I bought last year. I have no idea where in my room it is. It seems my sister did some messing around and I don’t know if my books got moved. So frustrating.

Tell us about the last thing you got excited about. #WPDP

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Tell us about the last thing you got excited about.

The last thing I got excited about was getting accepted back to college and registering for classes.

Pic/meme

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression, disability

I got my haircut today. I’ve been up since 4am. I had a hard time sleeping. Then I just decided to stay up. I asked my psychiatrist about increasing the mirtazepine and he agreed. I’ll put the increase in tomorrow’s box when I do the meds for the week.

My ankle still hurts but not as bad as last night. I am tired. I made the steak for dinner. I cooked it too much. It was a thick piece and well I am still learning. It’s not often I make steak. If it wasn’t raining I would have grilled it. My knees have been aching most of the day. It is cool but the rain is making things muggy.

I read a chapter in the Critical Suicidology book and wrote a message to my therapist. Problem was it was too long for the stupid web message so I had to take a pic of it and send it. I don’t know if it will be readable. I have the document saved in case she wants to read it for Monday’s appt.

I miss my mother. I’ve been wanting to call her the past couple of hours. It has been tough. I never thought I would miss her phone calls asking what I was doing or where I was. I came straight home after seeing my barber. I had no plans today. I might go south of Boston tomorrow to visit my cousin. It’s been a long time since we last saw each other. I hope I don’t get a migraine because of the rain. I told my cousin it will depend on how I feel. I am glad they are understanding. I hate canceling at last minute because I don’t feel well. But that is life with chronic illness.