Category: depression

Saturday Blog 28102023

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I guess it wasn’t meant to be for today to go to the Writers weekend. I got a vicious migraine last night and was hurting well into the wee hours of the morning. I woke up and really didn’t want to get out of bed. I had a couple cups of coffee and then was on hold with the pharmacy for my meds. My gabapentin was canceled and I wanted to know why. An hour later, I was told it would be ready in an hour. My phone needed to be charged. I still wasn’t moving with too much energy. I left the house finally at 2 and by the time I reached the bus stop, I knew there be no way I was up for walking around trying to find where I needed to go. I decided to order pizza and maybe read at Starbucks just to get out of the house.

I’m sitting at Starbucks after finishing the pizza. It wasn’t the best but it satisfied my craving for it. I have my coffee and I might read for a bit. I feel like shit but I don’t want to be in my room because I know I will just lie down. I picked up my meds. It was too early to fill the gabapentin so I will have to wait till next week. My tooth hurt where it is broken. I don’t know if it can be saved or not because the break is on the gumline. I am still waiting to see if I will be going to Boston oral surgery to get my teeth extracted. I’m going to call Monday to see if they received my x-rays.

I am tired. I had a bad dream that the breasts grew back. Each time I woke up, my head was hurting me really bad. I took some Tylenol when I had my coffee this morning. It’s helped some. My sister told me that the grounds crew at the cemetery drove over my mother’s grave and broke some stuff. The stone is fine thank God. Not sure if my sisters are going to replace what was broken.

There is a writing thing that happens in November. It is to write for the thirty days to write a novel. I think I am going to try and write at least 500 words a day for my memoir. It will be a challenge but worth a shot. I am at like 103 pages. I could be at my goal of 120+ by the end of November.

Identities that shape us

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, PTSD, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt survivor, transgender

I had a good discussion with my therapist about how last session brought up how much I was a boy and developed as a girl. It was really confusing and I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. The only person who I knew that was a man and dressed as a woman was the leader of the BAGLY support group. She was always surrounded by young males so I never had a chance for a one to one conversation with her. I think if I came out sooner, my life wouldn’t have been so painful. My therapist pointed out that she thinks I identify as being depressed and suicidal. She is right. But being depressed as well as being suicidal is transient. I have other states of being throughout the day. It comes down to my thoughts that go into the feelings that go into the behavior. All are connected in a triad. CBT can break the cycle. I told my therapist today what I thought about a year ago when I was back to my senses. I had a medically serious suicide attempt and I was pissed I was still alive. I didn’t tell her I thought my chance of surviving weren’t that great. The only thing keeping me in this world was having top surgery. It was what kept me going. It was crucial I identify more as a man than anything else in my life. As long as I had those things on my chest, I was not a man and it was literally killing me.

My therapist and I talked briefly about my parents. I know my father would never see me as his son. I don’t even think he would have accepted I liked women. My mother was a little more open but not by much. I will never know if she saw me as her son because she was dying or because her mental state was affected. I know when I came home from the hospital she still used the wrong pronouns. At that point, I didn’t care enough to correct her. It bothered me but there was nothing I could do about it. She wasn’t going to change. It took a lot just to have her call me G.

I like to think the suicidal stuff is behind me but I know it isn’t. It will always be an option for me. I’ve been suicidal since I was eight and even though I am more congruent with my thoughts, I have a shitload of trauma to deal with that could easily make me suicidal again. I learned today that even though I have a suicidal career, I can still change it to something else. It is going to take a lot of work though. As Dr. Doyle says, 1% is better than 0. I’ll be continuing to write about my midnight demons in this blog. It is the one thing that keeps me sane. And I hope that if you have found my blog because you are suicidal, there is hope. Things do change. It took a year for me but I’m not completely out of woods and that is ok. You are here now and I hope you stay.

what a fucking morning

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

What a fucking morning

I’ve been up since like 0400. Around 0800, I got a text and email from SNAP office telling me that they needed another document. I check to see what the fuck it is now they need, and it is a letter from my employer stating that I am on leave of absence. UGH I have told them I am on disability. I haven’t worked since 2012. They need a letter stating that. I have no idea who to contact so I track down the HR number. I talk to someone after waiting fifteen minutes on hold only to be told I have to request the letter through a website. I go to the website and can’t login because the numbers they have for verification I don’t know what the hell it is and I think one of them is old cell number. I ended up sending an email to the website. So now I wait. All this fucking documentation better be worth it. I am currently only getting $23.

My bitch sister told me to fold the towels that she washed. She NEVER fucking folds them but will wash them. My clothes didn’t get washed so I just put them in. My back is fucking killing me. And it is only 12. My only saving grace is that my coffee got delivered this morning so I had decent coffee today. I have had two cups of the house blend and one of the weak Columbian stop and shop brand that I will never buy again. I still have the McDonalds brand. I will need all the coffee today.

I have therapy at 4 today. I am either going to be a jittery patient or a sleepy one. I haven’t shaved yet. I ordered McD’s because I didn’t feel like making something. I really want dinosaur nuggets but I will have to go to the store to get it. I am contemplating this. But I have run out of gas and I still need to shave and brush my teeth. Honestly, laundry was not on my to do list today. It has taken so much energy.

bad night and what is sleep?

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Bad night and what is sleep?

I slept for a couple of hours last night as I went to bed early (before 9pm). I woke up a little after 0030 from a bad dream and another headache. I seriously was in a lot of pain but I couldn’t take anything for it because I knew it would go away on its own. About twenty minutes later, the headache was on its way out. I decided to read for a bit. I was up till around 0400. I was in the middle of a weird dream when my alarm went off. Luckily, I didn’t have a severe headache. I took my meds. I got an email from the SNAP benefits office. I had to submit my wages. I am like, I don’t have wages as I don’t work. It took like two phone calls to get someone. They needed documentation that I had disability payments so I sent them what I get a month. I am not hopeful in getting benefits now. I probably “make too much”.

I got up and made some coffee before having to run to the pharmacy to get my vaccinations for flu and Covid. I also got some coffee and a bag of chips before leaving. I needed coffee. They were out of Pike so I got the McDonalds Breakfast Blend. It was decent.

I feel tired. Yesterday I had EMDR in therapy. It got a lot more intense. I was feeling a lot of things. I really hated my mother for doing what she did to me. And also, it was a fucking confusing time as my mother made me see a plastic surgeon when I was thirteen. They were talking about reducing the breast that was bigger but I was like, take them both OFF. I didn’t fucking want them. And the idea I had to wear a bra. So humiliating. I’ve been experiencing “ghost” sensations since therapy. I just feel like there is something heavy on my chest but there is nothing there. It doesn’t hurt. I have no other cardiac symptoms, though I had palpitations twice today. It has been in the high 80s to mid 90s so I am not so worried about it. I think it is mostly anxiety from the trauma that I have been experiencing with the EMDR.

I cannot wait till Halloween. I have my CT appointment then and hopefully, it will tell me why I have the headaches. I see my neuro next week so it will be good I am getting both done in the same week.

Friday, Taylor is releasing 1989 TV. I cannot wait. It is also the start of LGBTQ+ writers weekend and I plan on going. I hope I can get pointers on how to sell my book. I hope I meet someone I can keep in touch with.