Category: depression

A year ago this weekend…

A year ago, I was very depressed and suicidal. I was in a lot of pain, physically and emotionally. I was seeing doctors nearly every other week for one thing or another. I was cathing myself every couple of hours which was taking a toll on my mental health in ways that no one was realizing. I was being misgendered a lot at home and it was bothering me. My mother was still not accepting me for being trans. I ended up overdosing and when I woke up the next day, I thought I was okay. I continued taking my meds twice a day with taking breakthrough meds in between.

Tonight I am in a wicked amount of pain in my ankle. Nothing is wrong with it, so to speak. It is just the CRPS flaring up big time. I guess I took too many steps or something. I have no idea. I wish I knew what triggered the pain but I wasn’t hurting until I rested as is usually the case. I have been thinking about what my life has been this past year. I lost my mother. I had a lengthy hospitalization. Then another hospitalization to deal with the loss of my mother. I really haven’t been totally suicidal though the thought has crossed my mind a few times. Luckily, they don’t stay around like they used to. I am trying to move forward. I want to go back to college to earn my degree because that is important to me. It doesn’t matter if I do anything with it. I don’t know if it will be worthwhile to pursue a Master’s degree or not. But I just want my bachelor’s and then I will decide what to do.

Nights like this I remember how much it would kill me and I would think of my demise. I would plan my death. It was the only thing I could do to try and ease the pain. There is nothing I can do to make the pain stop. I distract but it only gets me so far. Sleep is next to impossible as I usually can’t get comfortable.

I am listening to David Nail tonight. I am feeling tired and I want to sleep but I am so scared of lying down and then being in more pain because I am trying to rest. Sitting up doesn’t bother me too much. Got a lot on my mind. I want to text my therapist but it is late and she will just get angry with me. Besides there is nothing she can do for me. I see her Monday. I’ve been anxious for most of the day today. I don’t know why. I often think about what I went through during the hospitalization I went through last year. I don’t remember much about it. I was completely out of it. They ran a lot of tests and I got sick with an infection from the antibiotics. I don’t know if I got Covid or not. They did a spinal tap on me. I don’t know why. They also did an angiogram of my heart for some reason. The angio was negative. I have clear arteries. I wonder if it was because of my tachycardia? I want to ask my pcp the next time I see her. She may not know though. I think it is really funny they did two pregnancy tests on me when I don’t have a uterus. I wish I could remember why I overdosed. I didn’t tell my therapist even though we were in contact up until the time I went to the ED because I was feeling sick. I think I had an appointment with her the day I went to the ED and then told her I couldn’t make it because I was in renal failure and had to be admitted. I don’t remember too much after that. I remember sleeping most of the time and being in dialysis at least twice. The rest of the time, I have no recollection. I don’t even remember having the shits. I know I was on heparin because I wasn’t walking around much and was on antibiotics. I remember them putting in the central line in my chest. The scar still itches to this day at times. I am sort of glad I am off my pain meds but not really. I also was taken off all my meds and whether that factored into my catatonia I have no idea. I just remember being paranoid and delusional, like everyone was against me and was trying to poison me. I really thought I killed my mother and she died of a heart attack but was kept alive by oxygen and air balloons. I have no idea why I thought of something so silly. I have to say that when I came home from the hospital around Thanksgiving time, she was a little nicer to me even if she didn’t use the right pronouns. I know she loved me and cared about me. Just sucked she wasn’t around for my birthday.

I had major broken sleep during the night. I woke you around 7ish to pee and stayed up for a little bit but went back to sleep. I had a headache when I finally got up around 1230/1300. I made coffee and finished the Oreos. My niece and nephew ate most of the family sized package. The cookies have been the only thing I’ve eaten so far today. Not sure if I am going to finish off the Chinese I ordered yesterday or make the steak I bought.

My sister wanted me to photograph the house for the insurance policy. I had to do some errands and when I came home, I was beat. I sat and rested on my bed while listening to Sara Evans. I will be seeing her in two weeks. Can’t wait. I finished the rest of my book and then became a photographer. I took pics of everything and walked around the outside of my house. I forgot the key to the basement so had to go back. I swear the driveway is like a city block. I was so tired and my back was killing me from standing around. I sent my sister the pics as I rested on her sofa. I then climbed two flights of stairs to my room. I was dead. Legs were saying no more and back is still killing me. It feels tight so might have to do some exercises to loosen it up.

Sox played a day game so I have the evening free for reading. Think I’ll read the suicidology book. My new Matt Scudder book won’t be in till next week. I also ordered another suicidology book. My library is expanding. Wish my book space would. I have two stacks on my desk of mostly read books. The books I plan on donating to the Transgender Program have come in. I plan on bringing them in some time next week.

I’ve been anxious most of the day and I don’t know why. I might take some Ativan. I’m trying not to take a nap as it just messes up my sleep. Ankle got flared yesterday when I showered. Today it flared after all the walking I did. Right now it is barking. I want to grill the steak. But I don’t want to move right now. Maybe will grill it tomorrow after I get my haircut. Yes, that sounds like a plan. I’ll just have the leftover Chinese food.

Every time I cry

My mother rarely physically harmed us growing up. It was only when we were on her last nerve, she would hit us. Growing up, I mostly suffered her verbal abuse. She could be cuttingly sarcastic and mean and when giving it back, she would get upset, often using her “mom” voice to cut us down even further.

I’ve been trying to be human. I took a shower today and pulled a muscle in my side. I don’t know how I did it but it hurt. I shaved a little and thought about having a goatee but couldn’t really get myself to do it. I need to make some chicken I took out or it will go bad. I have been living on peanut butter sandwiches the last couple of days. I just am not hungry. I haven’t been drinking too much coffee, either. Yesterday and today I only had one cup. I spent most of the afternoon after therapy in bed, sleeping. Therapy was tough because I just woke up and really couldn’t think of anything worth talking about. I brought up the blog I wrote but wasn’t in the mood to really talk about it. Grieving has been so hard and difficult. Today as I was drinking my coffee, the house was eerily silent. I sometimes hate I am home alone so much. I didn’t get up till after 12. I had headaches all morning. I have no idea what time I took my migraine med. My head was pounding so much I didn’t notice the time.

I got a message my prescription was refilled but the pharmacy doesn’t have it yet. I will wait for it to be ready and then go to the Square tomorrow to pick it up. I haven’t decided if I am going to get my haircut or let it grow out a little more. The top is getting long and I like it, even tho some days it is wild with bedhead.

I got an email from Amazon saying I would be getting royalty this month. Last month I got a whopping 0.07 cents. I still have no idea how I get it but I will take it because obviously someone is reading my book.

I plan on putting in my grocery order for tomorrow and have it delivered Thursday. No one will be home so I will be getting some exercise going up and down stairs. Hope to have it in the morning so at least I can rest the afternoon.