Category: depression

Feeling melancholic

I’ve been dealing with a headache for most of the day. I had another night of bad dreams and headaches. I am getting so fed up with it because there is nothing I can take for them. The severity of the headaches pass but it is excruciating waiting for it to pass. I decided to take some Excedrin because I can’t take this headache that lingered after I woke up and had two cups of coffee. I made my cheesy eggs for breakfast and then had a cold cut sandwich for lunch. I made a cup of tea. I am almost out of my coffee. My sister bought me some half and half so I was grateful for that. I have to get coffee this week. I am not sure I will be able to afford my grocery order this month. I have to pay my sister for the electric and gas that I didn’t do last month because I was short. Most of my bills will get paid on Wed. I am hoping the one credit card that I have that is supposed to get drawn on the 24^th of each month, actually goes through by Thurs. Last month I had to wait nearly a week for it to go through. If it had, I wouldn’t have bought some stuff on Amazon.

I am feeling really sad. I read over what I wrote about my suicidality last week to see if anything needed to be added or something. But it was fairly concise and I think well-written even if it had a few punctuation errors. I could expand on a couple of things but I need to think about it.

I need to do my meds for the week. I also need to shave today. I might shower. It’s been a few days since I last showered. Maybe I will after I do my meds. My sister is making a gravy and escarole soup. I am not crazy about soup. My mother was. She would make a huge pot of chicken and more than a few times escarole. It was her favorite. I like chowders. I’ve never made a homemade chowder before. I love corn chowder. I saw how to make a cheddar soup in the crockpot. Only thing is we don’t have one. My sister does so I am sure I can borrow it. It was pretty simple.

I have therapy tomorrow. I can’t wait for Friday as the LGBTQ+ writers weekend starts. I hope it won’t be cold. I have no idea what kind of weather we are going to have. I haven’t looked at the weather report yet. I probably will when it gets closer as it could change by then.

For some reason, my damn calf muscle is hurting. It has been bothering me the last couple of days. I haven’t done anything to it so don’t know why it’s angry. Weird because in one of my dreams, I was in the hospital and I was trying to get some Tylenol for it.

The other night, I went on my Kindle to see if it still worked. It did. I started reading an old book that I must have read nearly thirty years ago called The Education Of Henry Adams. I liked it. In the first three chapters, I have lost count the many times the word “education” is used. It is a lot!! And the first three have always ended similarly. It is a good Boston book as Henry Adams was the grandson and great-grandson of the President Adamses. I don’t think Henry ever took office. His father might have been the last Adams to do so. But I am not sure.

Got things done

I had another rough night of sleep. I woke up around 430 and stayed up for about an hour. I contemplated staying up but I got drowsy and went back to sleep. I then had very weird dreams and headaches. I am so tired of the headaches. They have happened nearly every day this week. I got up around 10ish. I woke up to my med alarm and then had some coffee, hoping it would get rid of the remaining headache I had. After my first cup, I called the radiology dept to see if there have been any cancelations since I last called. To my surprised, I wasn’t immediately on hold. There was a cancelation on Halloween and I took it. I am so glad because I can’t take these headaches anymore. It is making me really feel like not doing anything all the time now. I have depression to do that.

There were dishes in the sink. I decided to do them and then brush my teeth. I wanted to shave but I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand to do the dishes and then shave. My back would collapse. So I did those two things and then went to my room before hunger seized me. I went to the kitchen to make a tuna sandwich but the can’s oil was all at the top and it didn’t taste very good. I had half of it with another cup of coffee. I cleaned up and then went back to my room.

I met with the advisor I have been emailing the past several months. It was good to put a face with a name. We discussed my plan and I signed up for a couple of classes. I also did the stupid SAP thing to get financial aid. I submitted everything but the classes as registration isn’t until Nov. It was a good meeting. I will have to take Italian 101 again so I can take 102 to complete the language requirement. I am working on trying to test out of the requirement.

I was hungry again so I made some pasta. I put some salad dressing on it and it was good. I then cleaned up afterwards, something that I rarely do. Then I was able to relax a bit. I tried seeing if I could get vaccinated on the flu and updated Covid and was able to get the pharmacy around the corner from me. It took me several weeks of trying but I finally got an appointment for next week. Now I just need to find my Covid card. I had to reluctantly go to the bathroom to pee again so when I was finished, I decided to shave. I feel better now that I did everything that I wanted to do. I didn’t empty the dishwasher and I don’t plan on it.

I am kind of tired and I haven’t left the house. My foot just exploded in wicked pain and I am nauseous. I had to turn off the music. My foot is throbbing so bad. I guess I am done for the day.

Some things done

I woke up around 9. I took my meds and decided today was the day I was going to shower and shave. My nephew was still home but I didn’t care. I had a coffee and then afterwards, I went to the bathroom. I shaved and trimmed my goatee. Then I showered. I was kind of tired as my back had cramped up while I was shaving but I persisted. I had to sit down a couple times in the shower. I couldn’t help it. My back was not liking me standing for so long. I dried off and then went to my room with the towel wrapped around my waist.

I rested on my bed for a bit before I got dressed. I drank some water. I had to put drops in my eyes because my dry eye was flared up. I got dressed when I got up to do my drops. I still had a couple hours before therapy. I still needed to pick up my meds. I figured I would go after therapy.

My therapist’s connection went out while we were meeting. It took like ten minutes for us to get connected. We talked about the depression and how to do opposite action and radical acceptance. I wanted to go out today because it was nice out. However, after therapy I didn’t want to get dressed. I got lazy. I made something to eat. I wanted to make a tuna sandwich but the bread had to be thawed out. I made stuffing instead and ate the whole box. I didn’t plan it that way but I was hungry and couldn’t see just a little leftover. I had another sneeze attack when I got back to my room. My sinuses were killing me. I have no idea why I am sneezing. I hope I am not getting sick. I know it most likely is because my niece and nephew have been burning candles. I don’t do well with scents.

I’ve been on social media all day. I have been switching between the three of them, well, I think there are four. I did my Italian. I am getting the hang of the language but still mess up with using the word “the” correctly. It messes me up so much because in English you don’t typically say the with nouns. I am hoping that if I master it, I can test out of the language. Only trouble is that my speaking the language is hard. I don’t pronounce things right nor do I hear things right. Sometimes I feel like Joey on Friends when Pheobe was trying to teach him French.

I extended my reading challenge to 16 books. So far I have read 14. I am trying to decide what to read next. I am thinking it might be a baseball book that keeps staring at me. Only problem is that it is the last book in the stack and I am scared I might knock over the pile trying to retrieve it. I have to see if I can fix my printer. It is a mess with toner right now. For some reason it is not picking up the paper so it is giving me an empty thing even though the tray has paper. I think some toner might be in the connection. Ugh. I don’t understand how I got the wrong toner when it is a Canon toner for a Canon printer. I matched it several times. I don’t get it.