Category: depression

Saturday Blog 13042024

I had a shitty sleep. My sister woke me up around 630 looking for some ibuprofen. I gave her some and then tried to sleep. I woke up again around 830 to pee and took my meds. It was too early to be up so I went back to bed. I should have gotten up. I woke up feeling so tired. I had a couple cups of coffee but I didn’t make anything to eat. I wasn’t really hungry. My book edits came in. I spent some of the afternoon going over them but for some reason, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of editing. I am just going through the document and then I will go through it again more slowly. I don’t like the format of the book and I have like three blank pages. Some of the pages just have a paragraph on it and nothing else.  I need to fix it.

I laid down about an hour before game time and I think I slept for a bit or at least snoozed. I was hungry but I didn’t really know what to make. I ended up heating up some chimichangas. It was good. My sister is installing a new vanity in the bathroom and has bathroom stuff on the kitchen table. She also took off the toilet paper holder, which I am not happy about. I guess tomorrow she will paint it.

I have been in a grumpy mood all day. I don’t really know why. Yesterday was my aunt’s birthday and she misgendered me the whole time. Then her best friend pulled me aside to show me her niece who is trans. I don’t know why she did this. Like it was a big secret or something. I just felt like a misfit most of the night. My cousin got weird on me, telling me I have a “good ass” whatever that means. I should have stayed home but I hadn’t seen my aunt in a while as she is never over the house anymore.

The other day I sprained my foot/ankle. It has been killing me. I have been taking pain meds and ibuprofen to settle it down some. I have no idea how I did it but it hurts. As long as I don’t move it, it doesn’t hurt but as soon as I bear weight, all hell breaks loose. I’m not sure if it is getting better or worse as the pain varies. I know staying off my foot completely helps. The xray was clean so that was good. I just hope it clears up without having to see an ortho doc.

I am still tired even though I snoozed for a bit. I am getting a headache. Ugh. I actually woke up with a few headaches last night. Had some weird dreams. Hope this doesn’t turn into a migraine. The migraine med has been working really well and the number of migraines I get has dropped to almost zero. Tomorrow I will read something. I am not sure if it will be Anthro or psych. I still need to finish chapter 8. Yesterday I didn’t get up till 1 and I was not in the mood to do anything. I have been waking up in a bad mood lately. Being in pain sucks.

Oh what a day

I spent the day in a town outside of Boston for most of the day. I wasn’t planning on it but as I was leaving the house, the last step on my stairs, I twisted my foot and I have been in pain since. I went to urgent care after my eye appointment. I have a sprain and will be in a boot for the next week or so. I was there for three fricken hours. I took an Uber home because I wasn’t going to take the T. I was in too much pain. I don’t know how I am going to manage going to campus tomorrow. I will worry about it then.

I should have taken my textbook with me. I could have spent the two hours waiting in the waiting room reading. I have a quiz tomorrow and I have no clue what chapter 8 is about. I tried reading last night but my brain was too foggy. I couldn’t concentrate. I am trying to go over the slides but my brain isn’t registering the words. I am fried. I will try and go over it again in the morning.

I have been sad most of the day. I have been thinking about my mother. Sometimes I don’t think about her but lately, I have been wanting to call her and see how she is. Can’t believe it has been a year.

I got two new glasses at the eye place. They will be in in a few weeks. Hopefully my sprain will be healed by then. I got dry eye so need to use drops a couple times a day. I will start that tomorrow.

Finally some decent sleep

I have been up since 7am. I slept through the night for the first time in a long time. I woke up with my chest hurting because I barely moved during my slumber. I must have curled up into a ball because it was pretty painful. I kind of lost energy around 1030 but I rested and then I got dressed to go to campus. I had to wait twenty minutes for the bus. I didn’t check the schedule until I got to the bus stop. I went to Starbucks and had a mocha and a wrap. I thought about doing some schoolwork while there but I wanted to pick up my stuff from the bookstore.

After I left Starbucks, my legs felt like cement. I was just so tired. I had anxiety right before leaving and wanted to go home. But I pushed myself. The anxiety was persistent throughout the day. I had an anxiety attack right before class. I thought about leaving but I was there so I stayed. I went to class. The professor was back and it was good seeing him. I wasn’t able to print off the extra credit but I was able to email it to the TA. I was glad because after the self-assessment that I took, my grade dropped by twenty points. I am not happy. Class was interesting though my mind kept on floating to other things.

I came home and while I travelled, I listened to the game. I cried as they interviewed the players from the 2004 Sox. It was their 20^th Anniversary and they honored Tim Wakefield. It was just emotional. I remembered the game that won it all. I remember so much from that year. The determination of the way Johnny Damon said they were going to win. And they did. Seven straight games. It wasn’t easy but it was fun to watch. I have to take a shower because I smell like fermented cheese. I am wicked exhausted. I need to make something for supper. I had a Naked juice while I waited for the bus. I just feel so full.

Twice today I thought about calling my mother. It just seems so strange even though it has been a year since she died. I had therapy yesterday and we talked about how my mother brought me to the doctors for anything and everything. She was always interested in my body. As a result, I think I ended up developing dysmorphia from it. I hate the way my body is. I feel like a cow most days and after top surgery, I am still coming to terms with my big stomach.

Anyway, we talked about my medical anxiety as I tend to contact my pcp for things. She seems to think it is in excess. I find it easier to send a message than to call. I still think my chronic illnesses tend to lean me more to contacting my doctors than not. I am completely wiped out and going to stop here. I need to sleep. Hope I have the same slumber as I did last night.