I woke up around 430 to pee and went back to sleep. I had the longest dream about being on the orange line waiting for a train. I kept walking around and there was a syringe there where trans people could donate T. I tweeted the docs who were apparently doing this and then I decided to hold on to the syringe for safe keeping. Meanwhile trains were running but none were stopping or opening the door to get in. I finally realized I was on the wrong platform. I then boarded a train but it was going around the wrong way. I woke up with such a severe headache I couldn’t move. My alarms went off and I cringed from the noise. My head hurt so much. I finally decided to get up to take a migraine med. I then went downstairs for coffee. After I finished the cup, I realized I didn’t take my morning meds so I went back to my room. I took them and then just stayed there. I felt like crap. The migraine was gone but there is this pressure around my head. I call it the aftershocks of a migraine.
My pcp office called. A nurse I don’t know left a message asking how I was and to either call back or leave a web message. I left a web message. I checked the weather app to see if there was going to be stormy or rainy and there is neither. It’s just a cloudy muggy day. I need to go to the library to pick up my book. I might go to Starbucks for another coffee and start reading it. That is if I can manage a stupid shower. I have no energy but am pushing myself to do things.
I grabbed some clean clothes and headed toward the bathroom. My nephew was in there so I decided to make a sandwich and more coffee. I really hadn’t eaten much yesterday. I really wasn’t hungry but knew I needed to eat. I’ve been on this weird kick where one day I will eat and next I won’t. I am trying to lose weight but have nothing to show for it. My stomach is causing such dysphoria. I hate my body, part of the reason I hate showering is because I hate seeing me naked. I really didn’t know how fat I was until the chest things were gone. Part of me just wants to starve myself to lose the weight but I love food too much to give it up. I usually just eat one thing a day and not even a huge meal. Just a sandwich or some eggs. Something with protein so I am not so hungry.
I am trying to get myself in the shower. I was going to groom and might still do it. I’m not sure if I am going to shave my face or not. I might shave under my chin and neck. I am still experimenting with my beard. I am trying not to go back to my room because I know I will just lay down and sleep the afternoon away. I think my nephew left so I have the house to myself. Now I just need energy to do what I need to do…
I woke up yesterday with a screaming headache that did not improve. By night time it felt like my brain was on fire and ready to explode. I sent a message to my pcp and she got back to me today saying I can take up to two doses of my migraine med. I just called as I still have a bad headache. I am waiting for a call back.
I had therapy yesterday. I didn’t know if I was going to keep appt because of the headache. I did and we just talked about random stuff. I totally forgot to ask her what services I need for dept of mental health. I will wait until I see her again before sending the paperwork. We talked briefly about how the anniversary of my suicide attempt is coming up. Hard to believe.
My pcp actually called me rather than the nurse. She said it is most likely migraine activity and I should use my migraine med. I am going to take another dose in about an hour or so. I am glad she agreed it isn’t an aneurysm like I was thinking. She said if I have any neurological symptoms or if it gets worse to go to ED. As long as this is a migraine, I don’t think I will have to go to ED.
I had put a book on hold and the library just sent me a reminder. I am going to try and pick it up tomorrow. It is a Lawrence Block book. I love his Matt Scudder series. I was hoping they would have his latest book but they don’t. I will have to get it my next pay period. Sox are playing the Nationals tonight. Not sure I am up to listening as sound bothers me. Might read and just keep track of the game. I’m not a fan of the pitcher. He either does really good or gets shelled. Very inconsistent. But that is typical of starting pitchers this season. Be a miracle if he got run support but our offense hasn’t been there. Sad.
Saturday Blog 12082023
I woke up dreading the day. I woke up so much later than I wanted to. I had another night of weird dreams and headaches. So much broken sleep made me not want to get up so I just stayed in bed. I finally got up because I was hungry. It was 1530. I fucking hated getting up so late. I had two cups of coffee and made some eggs, with no cheese. The cheese was all stuck together and I just didn’t want to deal with it. This is how cranky I was. I hate my fucking life. The towels are still not folded and my sister put a bunch of Tupperware on the kitchen table. Why, I don’t know.
After drinking my second cup of coffee, I went back to my room to fill out the cab vouchers and put on my sneakers. I was contemplating how to go from one end of town to the other to pick up my med that I have been without the past two nights. I just decided to do one task at a time. I called the cab and then went downstairs to grab a couple of reusable bags then went outside to wait for it. I should have had the cab wait for me as I was in the store for maybe ten minutes. I got what I needed and then went home. I put the stuff away and then did my meds for the week. As I did this, I drank some water. I also checked the ballgame as it was playing. We are losing right now 6-1. After I did my meds for the week, I checked the bus schedule. No rest for the weary as the bus was coming. Ugh. I put my sneakers on and left.
The bus dropped me off at the Square. I didn’t know if I wanted something to drink or not. I have three dollars left to me until I get paid again. I got my med and then missed the bus on the way home. I had to wait another twenty minutes for the next one. I was tired already and I had started out with negative spoons. I thought about making the chocolate pie today but I am too damn tired. I will make it tomorrow.
I stopped in the store to get a chocolate bar on the way home. I needed chocolate badly. I figure I deserve it as I did my errands for the day. I still hate my life. I am so fucking tired. I walked almost 3,000 steps. I don’t know what time I am going to take my meds. I had been taking them between 1900 and 1930. I was hoping for some sleep improvement but no such luck. I set a couple of alarms for tomorrow so I would be up to make the sauce and pie. I hope I bought enough pasta. They had medium size bags of cavatellis so I grabbed two. I have no idea how many ounces they were. I just know if I have another crappy sleep, I am going to be in a bitchy mood tomorrow again. I hate being in a bitchy mood.
midnightdemons7 
You must be logged in to post a comment.