Category: depression

Just wasn’t the one

I had a very rough night with bad dreams and headaches. I woke up much later than planned, even though I went to bed at a reasonable time, though it was a little later. The Sox won and it was hard for me to go to bed right away. I woke up feeling like shit. I had to shower and go to the grocery store. I had two cups of coffee with some toast. The headache sort of went away but was still there. I dreaded showering and going out. I finally went and took a shower, shaving my armpits. I didn’t do the face as I just wasn’t in the mood to lather shaving cream on and do a proper shave. I took a shower and was so exhausted afterwards. I had to lay on my bed undressed for a while. I pondered about going to the grocery store. I even took out the cab vouchers but I just couldn’t get myself to call a cab. I just wanted to stay home, in bed. I ended up cooking some chicken I took out last night. I thought maybe some food will give me energy to go out. Nope. I went back to my room.

I had just logged on my laptop when my sister knocked. She wanted to know why I didn’t do the dishes in the sink or fold the towels that I washed two days ago. I told her I didn’t feel good but that wasn’t a good enough excuse for her. She is such a bitch. The dishes in the sink aren’t even mine, they are either hers or her kids. I am so sick of being the one stuck with keeping the kitchen today just BECAUSE I AM HOME. My sister just doesn’t get it. I have been dealing with depression since the other night. I wish I were dead. I would probably be back in the hospital if I went to the ED for it. I have no active plans to harm myself but it wouldn’t take much to come up with one. I am tired of defending my disability to her. I have fallen on deaf ears.

I just want to fucking cry. I can’t go to bed early because I will be up in the middle of the night. If I go to bed after 10pm I am more likely to have bad dreams and wake up with headaches. I just don’t know anymore. The headaches weren’t severe so I didn’t take anything for them. I’ve had a low level headache all day. It’s like a ring around my head hurts. I feel like I am wearing one of my baseball caps but I am not. My side is cramping so I took some Ativan and Robaxin. Sox are playing the Tigers. I haven’t decided if I am going to listen to the game. Sale is back today and is on the mound tonight. I might listen to a couple of innings. I need a distraction as my mood is in the tank.

I posted on one of the FTM support groups about my waist becoming smaller but still having a fat belly. I haven’t lost any weight. I think the fat is just being redistributed because of the testosterone. I have no idea how to get rid of the belly fat. I have been watching what I eat but some days I just get tempted to eat something fatty and sugary. There is a dessert I want to make for Sunday. I might just make a chocolate pie instead of the Oreo dessert. I don’t think I can afford all the ingredients. I have no idea how much the pasta is going to be and if I can’t find big bags, I will have to buy at least 4 smaller ones. I am just stressed out about it. I still need to buy more half and half too for coffee.

I see these memes for chronic pain and I just want to share them with my PCP or sister. I just found one that has barbed wired on both legs with the don’t tell someone with chronic pain to exercise. Because this is what it feels like. I feel it because sometimes it does feel that way or feels like cement is tied to the legs. So damn hard just walking to the bus stop some days.

Foolish ones

I got up really late today. I had no where to be so I just stayed in bed. As I was having my coffee, I got a callback from the department of mental health. They never got my application so I need to submit it. They said that it would be “expedited” as it has been so long. I am so mad. I went on the website and it was 26 pages long! I have no idea what services I need. I had to sign three release forms. I spent the entire afternoon on this. Then my toner went. I won’t be able to print anything until I get a new one.

On facebook, I found a chicken broccoli casserole dish that is pretty easy. I will order the ingredients when I get paid next. I can’t wait to make it. I asked if my niece would eat it too and she said yes. Cool because I think this might become a new dish I would make regularly, if it comes out good.

I have been trying to think of what to write. My thinking hasn’t been the best all day today. I feel wicked depressed. Last night I wanted to die and didn’t know why. I just felt like I should be dead. I didn’t act or think of a plan to end my life. I just wished I would die. I was overwhelmed with depression. I posted on FB about how I was feeling. I got some support.

According to ABC (Nearly 50,000 Americans died by suicide in 2022, a record-high number: CDC – ABC News (go.com)), 49,449 Americans died last year. I would have been 49,450 had I had succeeded. I wonder how many of these people were LGBTQ. I am sure the breakdown by state is there. Too many people are dying because of pain. It is sad. I also wonder how many were chronic pain patients who got their opioids cut due to the crisis.

Today was dreary. It was overcast and raining some of the time. I hope there are no delays with tonight’s game. We are playing Kansas City. So far no score. I took my meds early tonight because I need to be up tomorrow to go food shopping for Sunday dinner. Can’t wait to make the marinara sauce. Been so long since I cooked for more than myself. I took out some chicken so I could make something tomorrow. I only had a peanut butter sandwich. I’m not very hungry today. I need to shower between now and sometime tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. It always stresses me out. I need to shave and trim my armpits. Grooming is such a pain in the ass sometimes.

Cranky and pissed off

Monday when I met with my therapist she said would finish the letter for me and then send it to me on Tues. I never heard from her so texted her today and have gotten no response. I am so pissed. I dropped my classes because I wasn’t able to get financial aid. I tried to see if the class was still open and its not. I am really frustrated.

I tried calling the department of mental health to see the status of my application and I got hit with an answering service that just hung up instead of beeping to leave a message. I was able to call another number and leave a message. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I dreaded making the phone call.

I just wanted to stay in bed today but I had to see the lawyer to sign some paperwork for the house. I can’t believe I am a homeowner now. I miss my mother and wish she wasn’t dead. I knew we would become owners when she died but I never thought it would be now. Just sucks.

I didn’t know what to make for lunch. I heated up some chicken patty and made fries. Now I feel really bloated. Wish I stuck to plan of just drinking Ensure and coffee all day. I still need another cup but it is after 1630 so maybe I won’t. I hate that I get bloated with anything in my stomach now.

The guy on facebook met up with me today so we can try and trap one of the cats in our yard. He showed me how to work the trap. Seems simple enough. Just hope my brother in law doesn’t have a cow when he comes home. The cat we want to capture comes around 9pm or so. I will have to be on alert to watch the trap afterwards. We agreed tomorrow will be best as the cat can sniff around the trap and not be scared by it.

I got an email from my therapist. Finally the letter is ready. I uploaded everything so now they should be set. Now I wait for a response. I hope I get something so I can take classes in the Spring semester. I have no idea what I am going to take other than Italian 102, which I hope I can still take. I am doing well with the Duolingo but the problem is it isn’t telling me the rules for Italian grammar and what kind of “the” goes before something. It is a little frustrating. There have been times where I just quit the module because it will say something so fast and I know my brain can’t translate it or spell it right. I can read Italian. I have a harder time understanding when it is spoken to me. You have to speak slow for me to understand and comprehend what is being said. Otherwise, forget about it. I am not getting it.

I am so fricken tired. Sox are playing tonight. I plan on listening to the game. Last night they lost so bad. I had to stop listening after the 6^th run scored for the other team. It was sad.