Category: depression

Today’s blog 08082023

I got up late. I didn’t care as I was tired from doing my errands last night and then clearing the kitchen. I made an egg burrito. When I finished, I called a guy that does trapping for feral cats. We talked and seems this tuxedo kitten has been around the neighborhood, just eating food. He or she is friendly. I have agreed to set up a trap for them tomorrow night. The guy will take him to the vet and see if he can be adopted and such.

I then shaved. I took off the rest of my beard. I left the mustache alone. I need to shower but I don’t have the energy. I think I lost my Latuda script. My doc sent a refill in and I waited a half hour to be told it can’t be filled till Saturday. I will be without for a couple of days. My psychiatrist said that the med has a long half life so I should be ok. I hope so.

I feel so tired today. I also have the hungry horrors. I don’t have snacks to snack on. I can’t go shopping until Friday. I have no idea what to get so I will just get what I need to make the marinara sauce and pasta. I might get cauliflower as I found another good cheesy recipe. I also found a keto cheese pizza recipe without crust I want to try. Might be too hot for the oven but we’ll see. Today was disgusting in the house. I have stayed in my room most of the day.

Back flare up and other stuff

I got up kind of later than I wanted to. I had hoped to be up by 10 so I could do errands before therapy but I got up too late. Therapy didn’t go so well. Supposedly, she will finish the letter for me tomorrow. I hope so or Wed I am texting the shit out of her until I get the letter. We talked about change. I don’t really know about it to do it. I feel I have made changes since I came home from the hospital as my pain is less than it was. I still have pain if I do too much but I don’t go into suicidal depressions like I did when I do have a flare up. I said so and then got she isn’t denying that I have a medical condition. I just think we want different things and I am not sure we will ever be on the same page about them.

After therapy, I checked the bus schedule. Bus was going to be here soon so I just put my sneakers on, grabbed a recycle bag and headphones, then left the house. I got to the Square and did my errands. I had to wait for the bus home. It got crowded and I stood for most of the way home then walked home. My legs were not cooperating with me. I have no idea why they were aching me. I got to the street that I swear turns into a mile even though it isn’t and I was tired by the time I got to my street. I had picked up a breakfast sandwich at Starbucks and ate it when I got to my kitchen. The dishwasher had to be emptied and the pans washed. I finished eating and then did them. But holy hell, my back flared up. I tried to continue doing them, taking a break in between but it was no good. I stood for too long and paid the price. I am not going to do anything more. I put the stuff from the dishwasher away and then went up to my room. I remembered to grabbed a cup as I need to take Miralax. I am hoping the bloated feeling is because I haven’t moved my bowels well the past few days.

I was going to shave today but I think I will wait for tomorrow to do that. I need a shower so that can be the activity for tomorrow. I don’t have anything planned so I can rest most of the day if I choose. My Starbucks funds are running low so I don’t plan on leaving the house. I have to do some grocery shopping on Friday. Wed I might go out after I see the lawyer for the estate of my house. We are finalizing some stuff. My sisters want to go away for Christmas but I am not going to be able to afford it. One of my nieces vetoed going to the islands so now they are thinking something out of state. I just worry about snow storms during that time of the month.

Sunday Blog 06082023

Same story today it seems. I woke up in the middle of the night with severe headache. I took something and then was able to get back asleep. Then I was up for a few hours. I read the forward and preface to Managing suicide risk by David Jobes, 3^rd Edition. I plan on updating the blog I wrote back in 2015. There is a ton more information as the SSF (suicide status form) has changed. It is now in its 5^th edition with some new pages. I can’t wait to read it. I might read this and the other research suicide book, alternating each when I go to Starbucks. Due to licensing and copyright, I cannot share an electronic version of the SSF. So get a copy of the book if you are interested.

I have been up since 0900 or so. I woke up with a terrible headache and decided to take ibuprofen rather than Excedrin. I had two cups of coffee with breakfast. I made two eggs with cheese. For lunch I made chicken and rice and for my dinner I had peanut butter with a Pepsi. I just ate finished off peanut butter that was in the jar. I was craving a peanut butter and jelly sandwich but we had no jelly so I just ate peanut butter. It was good. My stomach is bloated so I don’t plan on having anything else other than an Ensure with my night meds.

Yesterday I did my meds and found that I either misplaced or lost my Latuda meds. I picked it up the day I got discharged from the hospital. I have the other meds but not the Latuda. I thought I threw it away but I looked in the recycle where I threw out the bag and it wasn’t in there. It’s not on my bed. It might be somewhere in my room that I put things after I cleared my bed off that I haven’t found yet. Worse case scenario is that I will be without for a week as I can’t refill it until the 17^th. I used my last refill so I will have to let my psychiatrist know. I am kind of freaking out but trying not to.

My middle sister sent me a text saying that my baby sister wants to go away for Christmas. They are thinking Puerto Rico or Aruba. I don’t want to go because there is no way I can afford it. Just trying to save a little bit of money for college has been difficult to do. I have a fixed income and too many bills. I got really behind on my bills when I was in the hospital last year and I still am not caught up. Hard to do as I have to come up with $150 for utilities now plus pay another hundred for internet. There is no money to be saved. My nephew used my tomatoes that I was going to use for making sauce so now I need to buy more cans as I planned a family dinner for next Sunday. I no longer get sufficient food stamps to pay for my grocery shopping so it is coming out of my paycheck each month. I am just strapped for money and can’t work to supplement. I can’t stand long or walk far or for long. Sitting is probably ideal but then my ankle swells up and hurts. I can’t imagine the stress of working will be good for me. It might help in the beginning but not long term. I still need to get my passport renewed so I can get a “real id” from the state. I need to figure out where to get my photo done and then I can probably get it next pay period.

I got a headache forming right now. I got therapy tomorrow and I am going to go off on my therapist because she didn’t send me the letter I asked her over a month ago for. I am so pissed because it is holding up my financial aid. I had to drop the classes I had registered for because I didn’t want to get stuck with the bill as I couldn’t pay it. I really want to go back to school to finish my degree but if I can’t afford it, it is a lost dream and it hurts.

Headaches my oh my

I woke up three times during the night. All due to dreams and having a headache. I took my migraine med this morning. I have been up since 6. I didn’t want to go back to sleep as my med alarm was set to go off at 8. My nephew was in the bathroom when I went downstairs a little after 8 so I made coffee. I ran out of my biscuits so just had one cup of coffee. Then I brushed my teeth and went back to my room. I had to charge my phone so I waited about an hour before catching the bus to the Square. I figure I would read at Starbucks and maybe write. Headache was still blaring and it looked like it might rain.

I ordered coffee and something to eat. I found a table to sit at. I ate a bland wrap with eggs, bacon, potato, and sausage. It was good but needed salt. I then finished the chapter I was struggling with. It was on youth suicide prevention and it was triggering me. They cited a study that was for high schoolers being taught suicide prevention among their peers and it just struck a cord for me. I had already started to be suicidal my freshman year of high school. It has been a long time.

After I finished the chapter, I headed toward the busway and my bus was pulling out. Bad timing. I had to wait another twenty-five minutes. I read Twitter for a bit and then scrolled through Facebook. My pcp had messaged me. Apparently, I had inadvertently been causing rebound headaches with my use of Excedrin. So I have to hold off on using it for a while. She warned me that my headaches will be bad while holding off. Lovely. I am dealing with another headache right now. Meds must have stopped working. This sucks.

My niece wanted me to print something for her so I did and then I trimmed my beard a little too much, I think. I showered and was so exhausted after just washing my hair, I had to sit down. I am glad we have a seat built into the shower and my sister didn’t get rid of my mother’s support bars she bought. I was hurting so bad. Back had cramped up and I was thinking it was a bad idea trying to shower. I somehow got enough energy to finish washing my body and rinse off. I was out of breath though. It was like I was running uphill. Yesterday I was in the ED with heart stuff. My heart rate went up to 150s just from lying down. It went down and then went up again when I brushed my teeth. I felt funny so decided to go in to make sure I was ok. I was in sinus tachycardia when I was seen so I wasn’t making it up. I was still feeling palpitations until I saw the PA. My heart rate had slowed down some by then. Blood work came back ok, though my TSH was lower than it was previously. I got to talk to my pcp about it. Thyroid problems run in my family.

It was hot in my room after my shower so I turned on the AC. Temp outside increased. It’s now 80 degrees. Was 70 when I got up. Doesn’t look like rain anymore as the sun poked through. I am tired. I just want to listen to the game and then go to bed.