Category: depression

This class sucks

I spent the afternoon going over my Anthro stuff and it is killing me. This is I think one of the “you need a teacher’s perspective” in order to pass the class. I tried answering a few of the questions and omg it was painstaking. I still, even after re-reading the articles, couldn’t answer the questions. I am done. No one has posted their answers and it doesn’t look like a discussion has opened to add answers either. I read one of the discussion questions about exams for this class and it is going to be a combo of multiple choice, true/false, and short essay questions.  I am screwed.

I have been having mid back spasms the last couple of hours. I tried laying down and moving but nothing has helped. I don’t want to take an Ativan as that will make me sleepy. I will be taking my meds soon so maybe I will take it with it.

I had my neuro appointment today and she is pleased my headaches have improved. She said that it might take a couple of doses to work. I took my fourth dose today. I got the script after the appointment.

I was up during the night again. I read for a while. It took a while to get back to sleep. Then when my alarm went off, I didn’t want to get up. I managed a shower after my neuro appointment. I shaved and trimmed my beard. I am glad no one was home because I didn’t bring a change of clothes down. I just wrapped the towel around me and went up to my room.

I am feeling depressed. It is that time of day where I feel it most. I don’t know if it is because it is night time or what. The good news is that I haven’t been suicidal. I will take the depression. I am kind of stressed out over class. This has to be the worse class I have taken and it is my first online class.

Long commute home

I had to go to class today and I went a different route. I left early in case the trains were slow and they were but I still got to campus with an hour to kill before class. We had a quiz today. I think I did ok on it. There were some questions I had to guess. I met another student in my class and we exchanged numbers today as we have an exam next week. I am invested in the classes I have taken. Financial aid sent me a message saying they adjusted my aid. Now I owe nearly $3000. Fuck. I can’t withdraw because the deadline has passed. This sucks.

I decided to take the train to where the shuttle buses were and go to the grocery store at one of the stops. It was an extra half hour commute. I didn’t get home till after 5 and I was starving. I was able to get Starbucks but I didn’t get anything to eat. I made a PB&J when I came home. Now I am trying to stay up at least till 7pm so I can talk to my cousin. My sisters went to the casino for the next couple of days. I was supposed to go but I didn’t realize my sister booked a room for today. We were supposed to go to a concert tomorrow night and I thought we were leaving tomorrow but she made plans for today and there was no way I could do that with class and a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow I have to do the Anthro questions the professor sent us last night. It’s probably going to take me all day to do. I have to read one of the articles again because I forgot what it was about. This article is somewhat difficult to read and have the information sink in.

I am feeling anxious for some reason. I don’t know why. It just came on. I think I am overwhelmed and tired. I had another sandwich. My brother in law had cold cuts. I will be going to bed soon. I can’t stay up late anymore like I used to. Sometimes if I go to bed too early, I will wake up in the middle of the night and then I will read until I feel tired again. I had a long day so I should be able to sleep good tonight.

Listening to 1989TV again

I had blank space in my head so I have been listening to 1989TV again. I had therapy and got up a half hour before the appointment. I made a cup of coffee. Someone has been using my half and half and I only had enough for two cups today. I wanted to go to the grocery store but I just couldn’t bring myself to go for just one item. So much walking for just one thing. I will go tomorrow after class. I wish the grocery store in the square didn’t close. It was so convenient to get it there and then go to Starbucks or pick up my meds.

Therapy went ok. We talked about what she meant about being the victim. She has it in her head that I identify as my illness. I told her that wasn’t the case. I am a person with depression not a depressed person. I get the difference. Sometimes it feels like the depression has me. Other days it doesn’t feel that way. Lately I have been depressed and my therapist is attributing it to the season and me. I hate when she says that because it makes me feel like the depression is my fault or she is blaming me for being depressed.

My pcp got my disability paperwork. They wanted a blank copy as they didn’t like what I wrote in my restrictions. Fuck. I hope she doesn’t say I have no restrictions or I am fucking screwed. I am so fucking nervous about this. I wish I could look at what she will write before she posts it.

I am feeling tired today. I was up for a few hours last night so I finished the psych chapter I started yesterday. It was review for me. The professor posted the slides from yesterday’s lecture. I don’t know if we are having an in person quiz or if it is just online. I’ll find out tomorrow. Anthro professor just send a bunch of questions per reading that he assigned this week for discussion. I am too tired to answer the questions today. I will work on it on Friday.

I need to shower and trim my beard. I thought about taking one today but so far I don’t have the energy for it. I don’t even have the motivation to just trim my beard. My hair is getting longer on top. Might need a trim by the end of the month. I am letting the sides and back grow. I stopped shaving them for a few weeks now. I really liked it when it was shaved but it was a lot of effort.