Category: depression

Barefoot

I woke up later than I wanted to because I had a hard time sleeping. I was so restless with anxiety last night. My allergies were going wild so I took a Benadryl and that helped me to sleep. I got up have coffee. I had two cups but didn’t eat anything. I wasn’t hungry. After my second cup, I took my exam.

It was fine except my mouse was not acting right. I would hit the right click but it was like I was hitting the left click. It made progressing through so difficult. I hope I didn’t miss any questions because of it. I scored a 65. I am ok with that grade. If I had time to look up answers it would have been a better grade. Now I am just waiting for the paper grade to see what I get in this class.

I restarted the laptop and the mouse is acting normal so maybe it was a browser thing. I don’t know. I was scared that I would have to bring the laptop to the repair shop. I went to play with the puppy after I had the exam. I was hungry so I heated up some of the casserole. I think I am going to be eating it all week. I am craving a burger though. Maybe tomorrow after my DMH appt, I will get some. But I don’t know if I want to be carrying it around when I need to go to the square for my meds. I didn’t go today. I just couldn’t get myself to get dressed. I still need to shower. I am taking my time with preparing myself for it.

The NP got back to me about my BPs. I can restart the BP med at 25 mg. then go up next week until I am up to 75 mg. I asked when I will need to get labs. I haven’t gotten a response yet. I also messaged my neuro NP because I keep getting headaches every evening and it’s been this way the past two weeks. I only got one migraine in that time frame. The headache is at the back of my head instead of the front where they usually are. I am just sick of getting a damn headache every single day.

Today’s events 09122025

I didn’t sleep last night. I just couldn’t stop thinking about stupid things. I ended up staying in bed till 1ish. My coffee filter came so I put it together. I threw the old pieces out and when I went to put the filter on, I realized I threw the piece I needed away. I had to search through the trash to find it. Ugh. I had my coffee but I didn’t eat anything. I wasn’t really hungry though I was thinking of the casserole all day.

I had my meeting with my psychiatrist who was on time. Usually he is late by at least ten minutes. We talked and I asked him if there was something we can do about the depression and he said let him think about it. But my blood pressure needs to be more controlled. I messaged my pcp because all week my BP has been high. They want to see it trend. Ugh. So another week of recording the readings I guess.

I took a nap after the meeting. I was just so tired. I needed to read the one article for class so I can take the exam and haven’t done it yet. I plan to after this blog. I don’t know if I will take the exam today or tomorrow. Depends on how much the article takes from me. It is 13 pages. It should take me an hour or so to get through.

I had the casserole for dinner. I had two helpings, the second one was a little smaller than the first. I really hadn’t eaten anything all day. I had some yogurt afterwards as a dessert as my niece ate my cookies. I need to drink more water as I haven’t really been drinking today. My throat feels dry because of the heat. It’s so cold out and the wind doesn’t help. I got to go out tomorrow and pick up my meds. I think I will go to the library too and then maybe to the restaurant I like in the Square for some pizza. I will just have one slice because they are huge.

I played with the pup but she wasn’t having any of it. She was being moody because her mom isn’t home. I usually stay with her when I am home but today I really couldn’t because I was in bed most of the day. I just feel depressed and knowing I am out of medication options isn’t helping my mood. It will be a while before therapy helps me, if it does. I could do TMS but I have to go to the hospital for it. It is also like four days a week therapy. I’d have to read the studies to see how effective it is. I forgot as it has been so long.

I woke up before 9 and stayed up. I had to make the chicken casserole dish and I knew it was going to take me a couple hours. I had coffee and a corn muffin. Then I made a real cup of coffee. I had a Starbucks mocha with the corn muffin but needed a real coffee afterwards. After I had my coffee I boiled the chicken. And when it was cooling, I made the rice. I tried to find my 9×13 dish but couldn’t find it so used a smaller pan. It would only fit one bag of rice. Then it was time for therapy so I went to my room.

Therapy went ok. I came close to disclosing I was trans but I didn’t. I caught myself. We were talking about the weight loss drug and how I don’t like my body. Since top surgery I really can see how fat I am and it bothers me so much. She asked how much weight I plan on losing and I said between 45 and 50 pounds. I know someone who lost 90 pounds but that much would put me underweight or close to it. I am big but not that big. We talked about my anxiety of getting the exam over with. I plan on reading one thing today as a catch up reading.

After therapy, I made the final ingredient, the broccoli. While that was cooking i shredded the chicken and mixed up the sour cream and mayo mix with cheese. I put it in the oven and then played with the puppy. I washed some things. But I was feeling pretty tired. When it was done, I went up to my room to relax and let the casserole cool down. I tried taking a nap but got a wicked headache so bad I almost cried. Sounds were annoying me. I am headed toward a migraine so took something for it. I got up when my sister texted me. Her text sound was so fucking loud. It scared me so that was the end of trying to nap.

My niece was home for little bit. The puppy was happy but got whiney after she left for school. I’m just second news to her. I let her be. I had some of the casserole. It was good. But I didn’t have a lot as I was full off the rice, broccoli, and little bits of chicken I ate. Small meals seem to fill me lately. I have to drink more water when I get back to my room. I haven’t been good with drinking fluids today.

I need to shower but I’ll do that tomorrow. I see my psychiatrist. I am going to ask him to see if we can increase the Effexor. My mood has sucked the past week. I told my therapist today I will be meeting my DMH worker this week. It is busy. I still need to go to the Square to pick up my meds. I also want to go to the library to get that book I want to read so bad. I need something fun. Last night I rented Lincoln because I couldn’t play the DVD. I love that movie. Sally Field did such a great performance.