Category: depression

Three cup of coffee day

I was up in the middle of the night again. I colored for a little while until I couldn’t decide what color to pick next. My indecision lead me to read for a bit. I am reading Choosing to Live by Thomas Ellis and Cory Newman. It is a CBT book to deal with suicidal thoughts and behaviors. It asked two questions which I think I am going to blog about in the coming week. I highlighted it and wrote it in my journal so it is easily accessible.

I got up around 10 when my med alarm went off. I took my meds and checked the messages on my phone. Then I sent out Happy Father’s Day messages to my friends and family. I then went to make coffee. My sister came home from grocery shopping and then started making potato salad for the BBQ my other sister is having for her husband. After my second cup, I went upstairs to my room. I had gotten a flyer from UMB about the Fall semester. I decided to look into their appeal app thing to see what I would need for it. It is basically an academic agreement that I will do better. I do need “supporting” evidence which I am not sure what that consists of. I asked my psychiatrist for a letter and emailed my advisor to let her know. I hope that she and I can come up with a plan. Trouble is I am not sure I can come up with the $2K needed for the one class I want to take. I am going to see if I can be put on a payment plan if I can’t get financial aid after my appeal.

I had a burger today. It was good. I went outside in my yard for a little bit till the sky got really gray and dark so I came in the house before it rained, if it did again. Never know in Boston when it is going to rain. I got such a headache for two days now. I don’t know why. I feel like shit, mentally and physically. Some of the exhaustion I felt has gone away with taking the iron pills the past week and half or so. I just wish my sleep was better. I keep waking up in the middle of the night. I am so tired in the morning. Sometimes I end up having energy in the afternoon and am able to get things done but that hasn’t happened in a while. I haven’t been able to leave the house in a couple of days. I need to get my epipen and put some money on my Tpass. I wanted to go today but it was raining and I didn’t feel like going out in the rain. I will go tomorrow as my cousin is going to take me to the Square.

I have been feeling really sad. I have been trying to watch videos on Instagram that make me laugh. Panda videos are my favorite. They are just so cute. It makes me smile and temporarily forget the pain. I’ve been listening to Linkin Park’s Lost song. It has so many feels. I saw pics of my mother that my sister had printed out at Walgreens. There was a pic that was taken last Christmas while she was in the hospital. It was her last Christmas.

Saturday Blog 17062023

I took a shower last night and it flared up my CRPS foot. I was in agony throughout the ballgame. I couldn’t sleep after the game. I tried and pain kept me up or my thoughts did. I eventually fell asleep after 0100. I briefly was up around 12 to take my meds and then I went back to sleep. I only got up around 1630 to have some coffee. I am not hungry. I feel really tired. It’s raining out and tonight’s game has been postponed for tomorrow.

A friend texted me today saying they have nerve pain and is seeking treatment for it. They don’t know how I live with it day in and day out. It is not an easy thing to live with. Since top surgery, I have had these kind of pain in my chest. Some days are better than others. I find that the more I try and stretch out the scar tissue, the worse pain I am in. But the scar tissue is limiting my movement so I need to try and work it out. I am shirtless in my room. It has been so hot in my room that I just don’t want to wear a shirt. Trouble is, it sets off the dysmorphia. I know I need to talk about it with my therapist. It is just I forget most of the time because the grief is more pressing.

I feel so vulnerable right now. I feel like I could OD on something just so I could die in a few days time. I got denied financial aid at UMB. In order to be reconsidered, I have to write a personal statement and submit supporting documents. I  think I am just going to withdraw. There is no way I can come up with four grand a semester for two classes on my income. I can maybe afford one class. So my dream of getting my degree is probably not going to happen. All because I am 4% points off their scale. Sucks.

I am tempted to tell my therapist this fleeting idea of OD’g. I don’t think she will like it and may try and curtail me. I know I could just end up back in the hospital. I don’t know what I want to do. I feel awful. I am depressed. I am sad. Nothing gives me joy or pleasure. I am in pain most of the time. Not even taking my T shot gives me pleasure it once did. I think I have reached a plateau with my transition. I don’t want bottom surgery because I like my clit too much. Beside there is no guarantee that having phalloplasty will give me pleasure. It isn’t like I will cum like a man will. It won’t feel the same. So I will stay as I am.

I got this emptiness inside me that has taken over me. Most of the time there are black clouds that follow me around. I feel so sad. I don’t think I will ever be happy or content. Just always miserable.