Category: depression

Saturday Blog 18112023

I woke up a few times last night with severe headaches. I took my immediate migraine med around 430ish and waited for it to work before going back to sleep. I woke up a couple of hours later with the same damn headache. The doc said my headaches might get worse before they get better. I am so sick of this cycle. Either I don’t sleep during the middle of the night or I wake up with headaches. It is really stressing me out and making me so tired throughout the day. I have no energy to do the things I need to do.

I got up around 1130ish. I took my meds and then used the bathroom. I made coffee. My brother in law was going to take me to the grocery store. I had to buy a few things including some bread as we were out. If I had known the other day when I went, I would have bought some. I was done in like ten minutes. My brother in law picked me up and there was traffic on the way home so I didn’t get to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I might go out again but I need to shave and shower and brush my teeth.

I came home and had something to eat and another coffee. I am so tired but I need to shower as I was sweating during the night so I stink. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about all this interrupted sleep. It is just stressing me out. I have been meaning to take my recycle out for two weeks now and still haven’t had the energy to do it. I need to make a clearing for my AC so it can be taken out of the window. I also need to play with my printer and hope I didn’t break it because it will cost around $300 for a new one. This one isn’t that old. I hope that the old toner has what make it is on it so I can buy the right one this time. I am so angry I bought the wrong one even though it said it was the right one on the website.

I got post migraine headache and feel like shit. Least I have food for the week. I built a cart of items and it is close to $200. I am not sure I can afford that this month because I have that high copay for the eye doctor to pay. Both of my eyes are watery today and now the right eye is becoming irritated. I would like to get another pair of glasses but I just can’t afford that right now. I still haven’t heard back from UMB about financial aid. Might wait till Dec before I email the office to find out if I got any. I know I got a grant but it’s only for $600 and my bill will be $4k. I might just pay what I can until the bill is paid off as I really want to attend college next semester.

Attempting to put into words my thoughts

I woke up around 1am and found it extremely hard to go back to sleep. I laid in bed. I took an Ativan. I didn’t feel like reading. I stayed up till at least 4 or 5 and then I fell back to sleep. I woke up again a few minutes before my med alarm as I had to pee. My phone was going off all morning. I had a shit ton of messages but I didn’t care to look at them. After I peed, I just went back to sleep. I didn’t really wake up until my sister knocked on my door asking if I printed out something for her. I told her my printer was broken. I still haven’t tried to fix it yet. I am hoping blowing out some of the toner will help but I am not sure.

I had a cup of coffee and then I made some ramen noodles for lunch. It was spicy and I liked it. It cleared out my sinuses. I brushed my teeth and shaved. I took off my goatee as the hairs on my chin were patchy. I am getting more growth there. One of the phone calls this morning was for my eye appointment for Mon. they said the copay was going to be $70 and I don’t get paid till Wed so I canceled it. I called back to reschedule and they didn’t have any openings till Dec. I need to get my eye looked at because it is irritated. I called the one west of Boston where I went earlier this year and they have an opening the week after Thanksgiving. They said the copay will be between $60-100. Fuck.

I am not sure how I feel today. I don’t have the motivation to shower as shaving caused some back cramps. I need to go to the pharmacy to get my meds. It’s nice out even though it is getting dark now. I will go tomorrow. I need to go to the Square anyways. I feel grumpy. My eye keeps becoming irritated and it makes it hard to read or to concentrate. I have been using drops but they don’t seem to be effective anymore. I think something more is going on with it. It might be allergies or something else. I don’t know. I hate that my copay is so fucking high.

I am really struggling with writing this week. My thoughts just don’t seem important to write down. I haven’t touched my book or the suicidality document. I just feel empty and devoid of things. My mojo seems to be in a slumber or something. I don’t know. Maybe it will come back to me eventually.

Feeling sick and depressed

I had a difficult night sleeping. The usual of weird dreams and headaches. I woke up a little before my med alarm. I got up when it went off. I took my meds and then went downstairs to use the bathroom and make a cup of coffee. I was running low on half and half and I wasn’t sure how many cups I could make. I made one and drank it in the kitchen. I am out of my Belvita cookies. I wasn’t in the mood to make something so I just had the coffee. I then went up to my room. I booted up my laptop and decided I needed another cup of coffee for therapy. I still had time before my appointment. I brought the cup up with me. I drank it as I waited for my therapist to log on.

The first thing we talked about was how pissed I was at her. She clarified that the break was outside of therapy, not in therapy, which made me feel a little better. We spent most of the session talking about things I could do that were not suicide related stuff. It is hard because I have worked with suicide research for so long. I really don’t mind it and it doesn’t overwhelm me.

I was feeling ok enough to venture out to the grocery store. I knew it was going to tire me out though but I had money for a cab if I felt like I couldn’t make it back to the bus stop when I was done. Walking there after I got off the bus stop was hard. I felt my chest getting tight and by the time I reached the store I was wheezing again. I felt short of breath. I quickly got the items I needed. I wanted a big thing of peanut butter but it was too expensive. I’ll get it when I place my monthly grocery order. I just got a small jar that was nearly a quarter of the big jar and cost like half. It is ridiculous how they have these prices for things. I sat outside after I paid and called for a cab. I was congested and wheezy but not too bad. I made it up the stairs and I started coughing from the congestion. I put the pizza in the oven and waited. I got hungry. I started eating chips and then decided to make a sandwich. The pizza was ready but it was too hot to eat. I finished the sandwich and then had a few slices of pizza before I felt full.

I felt tired so went up to my room. I tried to nap and I snoozed for a bit until my sister called and the ringtone scared the shit out of me. It was so fucking loud. I had a headache and I didn’t want to move or get up. I don’t feel too well. I am still tired and headachy. I keep on sneezing and my nose is congested. I think I might have a cold or the beginning of one. I have no fever but I don’t know if this is allergies because my eyes keep tearing as well. I just feel run down. I know part of it is because I am not sleeping well. I am not really napping during the day but I tend to go to bed early if I don’t lie down. Last night I tried to stay up as long as I could so I wouldn’t be up at 0100 and I still woke up at that fucking hour. I know I read for a bit but I don’t remember what I read. I just did a covid test and I am negative. I will retest if I feel poorly in a day or two.

I have so much to do tomorrow. The water meter guy is supposed to come to change out the meter. I have to let him in. I have my T shot. I need to pick up the new migraine med. Then I am to help my sister make dinner for my sister. It is my middle sister’s birthday tomorrow. I also have a webinar to go to. A busy day and I hope I get some decent sleep without headaches throughout the night.