List three books that have had an impact on you. Why?
Suicide the forever decision Paul Quinnett
Cutting
The suicidal mind Edwin Shneidman
Unquiet Mind Kay Redfield Jamison
Category: depression
pain is such an imposition
Pain is such an imposition
I found the meme that is perfect but I am nervous about sending it to my pcp. So I wrote her a letter explaining my CRPS journey as well as my pain med. My pain is not every day but it affects me when it flares up. I don’t need to be around the clock but I do need something to take care of it. Right now I am stuck with distraction and that only gets me so far. I told her I have seen pain psychologists and doctors to no help. I also fear that seeing them in light of what happened last fall might turn me away from opioid therapy. She is a new doc so I made the letter brief which can be looked up in my record but it will take some time.
I am trying to clear my room up a bit. I took out the boxes that were in my room. I didn’t realize I had four of them. I have other boxes but I am saving them for my cousin who needs boxes to ship stuff. I am working on my third cup of coffee today. I need it. I am listening to You’re Losing Me by Taylor. Still hitting me in the feels.
I brushed my teeth today. I need to shower as it has been a few days. I meant to shower yesterday but I was just so damn tired. I didn’t do a damn thing except order a pepperoni pizza. It was the only thing I ate all day. Today I had baked cauliflower and the rest of the pizza. I am starting to lose gas so I thought a cup of coffee might perk me up. I haven’t done anything except take boxes out of my room. I still have recycle on my bed that needs to go in a bag. My right foot is hurting today. PT is going to have fun with it tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it. I am hoping I just need a month of therapy for it.
I am missing my mother today in an awful way. I have wanted to call her at least three times so far today. I feel really sad. Not quite sure what to do with it. I distracted for a while. It seemed to help some.
Just don’t want to adult today and just sleep
I was up again during the night. I read some. It got me thinking stuff I should talk about with my therapist but when I woke up, I didn’t feel like going to therapy. I should have canceled but kept the appt. I got up to pee and took my meds. Then rested a little too long. I got up to make a cup of coffee a half hour before therapy started.
She was in one of her moods. I was in mine and it ended with me not talking for most of it. I told her I’ve been alternating between depression and sadness. My appetite has been low or not existent. She wanted me to do something about my grief and I told her I didn’t know what to do with it. She wanted me.to work on something so I said I’d straighten out my room. Then she scheduled our next appt. Was useless. I have such a headache from being tired. I need to get at least some of the boxes in my room out so I can move stuff. Except I just want to lay down. My iron pills came yesterday so I am taking them at night. I sent a message to the doc asking if the slow release was ok. My insurance isn’t covering what she called in.
I feel so depressed and aggravated. I wish she would just let me talk about whatever I wanted to but no. She wasn’t having that today. She can be such a bitch at times. Will be 4 years we have been seeing each other. Can’t believe it has been that long.
I had a second cup of coffee with some cookies. I bought the new Oreo cakesters which are really good but I lost interest in eating them. Just hope no one eats them. My niece has been eating my Mac and cheese. I don’t have an appetite today. I’ll just have an Ensure. I still need to brush my teeth.
Sox play at 4pm today. They lost last night, again. It hasn’t been fun seeing them lose. The Rays pitcher is a Sox killer so I don’t even know if it will be worth watching. Could be another painful game. I’m not really in the mood. I just want to sleep. My niece is graduating tonight. It’s raining so I hope it is indoors.
Sunday clean up
Sunday clean up
I started slowly cleaning up one area of my room. I will try and do more tomorrow. I have a headache and am wicked tired. I had to move some stuff around which made things look worse than they are right now. I will figure it out tomorrow. I emptied one box of stuff. I have to get the empty boxes that are cluttering my room out. It will hopefully be done this week.
Other than the headache and tiredness, I am also feeling wicked sad and depressed. I seriously thought for more than a few minutes about suicide. I thought about acting on it. I technically still have the plan I made last year. I am not sure I will tell my therapist this just yet. I am going to base it off my upcoming doc appointment with my pcp.
I am cold. I had to shut off my ceiling fan. The wind is terrible today. I have therapy tomorrow. I was going to go into Boston to give my psychiatrist some paperwork for my disability but I don’t need to as my Medicare card can be used. I have a few appointments and I start the bereavement group this week. I just hope I am home in time for the meeting to start. I meet with my pcp that day and not sure if I will be home. Guess it depends on how it will go.
Sox had a day game and they lost. It was a pathetic game. Too many errors. I have nothing to do tonight so I might read if I don’t fall asleep between now and then. I tried to nap a few times but wasn’t able to. I just rested and froze under the covers. I had to put on PJs. Need to find my long sleeve tshirt.
midnightdemons7 
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