Category: depression

Saturday Blog 10062023

I woke up in the middle of the night again. I tried going back to sleep but I was just staring at the ceiling. I decided to do some reading and it was a long chapter so I stopped a little after 0400 to try and go back to sleep. I fell asleep and dreamt about Taylor Swift being in Boston. We were hanging out in Copley Square until she had to do a show. Then I dreamt I was at Fenway Park playing shortstop for some kids. Totally weird.

I got up around 1130. I really didn’t want to go out today but I was out of half and half and I need that for my coffee. I also had to get my prescriptions. I left after I made a bacon sandwich and had a cup of coffee. I had waited at the bus stop for about five minutes before the skies opened up. Tstorms and downpours flooded the streets. I was glad it stopped by the time I got to the grocery store. I ordered a mocha as I needed caffeine. One cup of coffee wasn’t going to do it. I had four shots of espresso in the mocha. It was good. I went to the pharmacy and there was a problem with my pain meds. They were charging me for it as my insurance rejected it. I called the insurance and soon as I got back home, the matter was cleared up. I made a burger and then went back as tomorrow the bus line is being detoured all day.

I am fricken exhausted. I got into an argument with my sister. She is always complaining about the dishes but never does them nor empties/fills the dishwasher. I told her either do them or shut up about it. She called me an asshole and a slob. Fucking bitch. Then her son says to just do them and clean up after yourselves meanwhile he leaves ramen noodles in the damn sink. Yeah ok nephew. I am so stressed out. I am always either filling the dishwasher or emptying it. Guess my family thinks a fairy does it. I am so tired.

I really feel like I need to be in the hospital. I am going to try and talk about it with my therapist on Tues. I think being away for a little bit might help me. I am often alone at home and it gets to me. The house just feels so empty without my mother. Last night, I read a thread on Twitter about how an MD snuck wine in the hospital for her patient who was dying of liver disease. It brought back memories of a night where my mother had a glass of wine and then wanted another one. She was already starting to be out of sorts. I was watching her that night and helped her with the second glass. She fell asleep on the couch without even drinking it. I made her go to bed. I gave her her meds and stuff. I don’t think she was alive for much longer. Maybe a week or so later she died? Days just blended in with her. It was hard watching her deteriorate. I loved and hated her so much. It was hard to care for her at times, especially when she was in pain but wouldn’t take anything for it. She was so stubborn. I really miss her. A lot.

Feeling vulnerable and other stuff

I was up till dawn again. I had woken up to pee and then I was in pain which made it difficult to sleep. I didn’t want to get up when the med alarm went off. I stayed in bed longer than I should have but I got up and had a couple cups of coffee. I left the house around 1145 to catch the bus. My pass worked on the bus but for some reason, didn’t work at the train station. I thought that was odd but didn’t think much about it. I went on my way to see my pcp.

I was a little early for the appointment and the medical assistant wasn’t back from lunch so I had the RN take my vitals. My pcp is really nice and made me feel at ease talking to her. We discussed my pain and how I was doing and stuff. She was respectful and agreed to put back on pain meds for the time being. While talking to her, I told her about my grief and how disruptive it is becoming. I am not eating regularly or taking care of myself. She wants me to drink more even if I am not eating. I told her I felt like I needed to be back in the hospital but because of PT, I am holding off on it. She said PT will always be there and wants me to reach out to the office if I am feeling really bad. I felt really vulnerable. She said she would contact my psych team to let them know what we had talked about so we were all on the same page. She said she would give only small quantities of pain meds for me. I was grateful. She wants to see me in a couple of weeks to see how I am doing.

Since leaving the office, I have been feeling really down. I had to get home quickly as I had the bereavement group to go to. It went well for the first meeting. I am glad it is time limited. I couldn’t imagine being in this group for longer than that. It seems like a cool group to be in. I feel sad for the members who have lost significant people in their lives. I told them I was trans and how things were with my mother. I almost started crying. Just so many feelings.

I keep thinking I see my therapist on Mon but it is really Tues. She is in the office but I will still see her virtually. I came home and I was so fricken tired. I ate some stuff. My sister made eggplant which I was just thinking about the other day. I am glad she made it. Then I had some spinach with ranch dressing. It was good. I was still hungry. My other sister made some pasta with broccoli and I had some. I just took an Ensure with my night meds.

My disability pass has been canceled since I have been issued a new one but the problem is, I haven’t received the new one yet. So I will probably have to use the taxi vouchers to get to my appointments and to pick up my prescriptions. My pain med was called in but my insurance has to approve it. I hate this bullshit. I have no idea if they need a prior authorization or more information from my pcp. Or they are just fucking with me because it is an opioid medication.

My chest feels stiff. I have been trying to move my arm to get the scar tissue out but it has been difficult. The stuff just doesn’t want to budge. I hope in time it will be easier. I hope I don’t have to go to PT for it because I am sick of going to PT.

Feeling depressed today. Went to PT. Good news is I don’t have an injury to my foot. Just like I suspected, the muscles are tight. She taped it up and I’m to keep it on for a few days. It is sore. I am exhausted. Took out the recycle when I came home. Not sure if I am gonna listen to the game. I just want to sleep.