Category: depression

Missed streak and being depressed

I was out of it yesterday. I just couldn’t get going. I was up half the night and I was just completely tired the whole day. I only left my room to use the bathroom. I had a cup of coffee and a pop tart. But that was it. I went back to bed after I canceled therapy. I tried to schedule for next week but she wouldn’t let me so we met today. I thought about canceling again but that might make her concerned so I kept the appointment. She was concerned anyway as I wasn’t myself. I was feeling a lot of pain and grief. She wanted me to talk but I didn’t know the words to say how I felt. I told her I got triggered when I saw my pcp last week, with the weird delusions and stuff. I also felt disconnected and dissociative. I dreamed my mother was in bed and when I went downstairs to check, she wasn’t there. I felt so damn sad. At the end of our time, she said that if I became unsafe what would I do. I told her I would call her and then probably go to the ED.

I need to go to the Square to pick up my meds. I am still out of tpass funds so need to use a cab voucher to get there. I hate calling but the app you need a credit or debit card to book a reservation. Sucks. I got such a headache right now. I just want to sleep. I don’t want to go out. My sister just invited me for dinner. I haven’t really eaten anything in two days. I just am not hungry. I had some Ensure last night to take with my Latuda. I felt nauseous afterwards. It eventually went away. It is warm today. My room is stuffy. There is a cool breeze coming through the window though.

I have no idea what the fuck I did to my knee. It has been hurting for two days now. I need to get it checked but I am afraid as osteoarthritis runs in the family. I don’t want a knee replacement. I took some ibuprofen last night and it helped a little bit.

Sunday I slept till 430pm. It was odd because if my mother were alive, she would have called me between 1 and 2pm to see if I was alright. I was in my room all day yesterday and other than a text from my sister, no one else called. It is just weird. Not even the sister I live with checked on me. Not that I need checking up on but some hellos would be nice.

I didn’t listen to the game last night but they lost anyways. I lost track of their streak for losses. For every win they lose like three in a row, sometimes more. My sister wants to go out to eat tonight. I really don’t feel like going out. But I will for her. I just want to sleep.

Having a hard time with grief

I woke up late. I was up in the middle of the night again because I couldn’t sleep. The stupid birds were chirping so fucking loud. I read for a bit. Then I turned in a little after 0300. When I got up, the house was empty in more ways than one. No one was home. Didn’t help that before I got up, I had a dream about my mother. Every day there is some reminder of her. My sister just got her picture a new frame. I see it every time I head upstairs to my room.

I am not comfortable in my new body. I have a huge stomach and it is giving me all the dysmorphia feels. I keep wanting to bring this to my therapist’s attention but I keep forgetting. I ate today and I feel guilty about it. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to eat lately. I think I might have an eating disorder or something. I just want to starve myself. I feel better when I don’t eat.

I had made an iced coffee when I came home from PT. She killed my calf muscle. She found a huge knot and it hurt so much. She said I need to do calf stretches. I am bad at them because sometimes it leads to Charlie horses and those aren’t fun. I got two balls, a tennis ball and a little bouncy ball to work on my foot. I got to remember to take them to the kitchen with me when I have my coffee. I keep forgetting them.

I brushed my teeth today before I left the house. I am going to have to borrow money from my sister or brother in law because my tpass funds are low. I won’t be able to get around if I don’t have my tpass. I do have taxi vouchers that I haven’t used yet.

I am having nerve pain in my chest and I feel like I need to cry but the tears won’t come. I have never been an easy cryer. It takes a lot for me to cry. I have to feel strong emotions to cry. Grief is killing me. I tried taking a nap because I was very tired after PT but I didn’t sleep. It’s also hot in my room. I am topless again. I find that helps a little with the nerve pain as the shirt isn’t irritating me.

Birds started chirping at 0305

I can’t sleep. I tried falling asleep after the game but all I did was toss and turn. I gave up around 130 because I had to go pee. I read for a bit. I finished the chapter on CBT with dealing with suicidal thoughts. It is all stuff I have learned before. Feelingsàthoughtsàacts (behaviors). It goes around in a triangle. It is the core part of CBT.

I looked up some stretches to do as my chest is tight. I don’t know what to do about my arm that feels dead at times. I can lift stuff but the endurance isn’t there like it was before. I am really tired of being up half the night. I wrote in my journal about my pcp appointment and how my therapist thinks I will be sad for a while because I am grieving. It really sucks being sad all the time. It kind of leads to depression but I try to get out of it when I feel it getting worse. I usually distract myself or do something like pick up my recycle and put it in the bag.

I finally brought up the fig bars I bought. I like to eat them when I am up as I usually get hungry around 0400. I wish I was seeing my therapist tomorrow but I am not. She didn’t have times that worked for me because I have PT. I see her Tues. I might text her to let her know that I am thinking of the hospital again. I don’t know if I need to be in there. I think it might help me because there is just something about being on a locked unit. I don’t know what it is but I feel really safe from myself and the pressure of taking care of myself is off. I don’t have to worry about my meds or meals or showering. I get some routine and that is what I need sometimes to reset myself.

It’s a little after 0400. I am so tired. I don’t know if I am going to sleep or not. I am not doing anything today because I did so much yesterday. I am exhausted. I am so drained. It is so hard when I feel so sad and it alternates with feeling depressed. It just this heaviness on me.