Category: depression

Migraine killed me today

I woke up in the middle of the night and I knew waking up around 0730 was going to be hard. I set different alarms so I could try to be up and go to my appointment but it didn’t happen. Then I got the worse migraine. I had to cancel therapy. I just stayed in bed until my sisters blew up my phone with text messages. OMG I wanted to throw my phone against the wall. I got up around 1600 or after, I don’t remember. I had two cups of coffee. My head still hurts. I just took some Excedrin migraine pills.

Today is MascMonday for the FTM groups so I posted a pic and someone said I was handsome. It helped my mood because I was feeling really shitty. I definitely wasn’t feeling handsome. It is nice someone else can see it even if I don’t.

My sister made burgers so I had some. I had made fries as that is what I wanted. My sister ate them all. LOL. Burger was good. She gave me some asparagus to make with eggs. I will make it tomorrow morning. I just hope we have eggs. I haven’t bought any in a while.

I am feeling really full. I took my meds early because I ate so much. Last night I made spaghetti and sauce. It was good. I had like a bowl and a half. I couldn’t finish the second bowl. Might have it tomorrow. I am feeling tired even though I just got up.

I have to recommend “What’s The T?” by Juno Dawson. It is a book about transgender and non-binary. It is a really good book. I plan on buying copies and giving them to my transgender program. I am learning a lot about what it is to be trans. Like the author, I am pretty binary in my ways. I think like a man. And there also could be stuff on an MRI that shows that I am a cisgender male, which I find interesting.

I am listening to 1989 again. I had to listen to Blank Space because that is the song I have for my therapist. I’m glad I didn’t see her today. I was feeling so rough earlier. This migraine doesn’t want to go away. I need to do some writing for my book this week. I hope I can get it done. I have a few ideas to work with. I just hope I can expand on them and turn them into pages instead of paragraphs. I also have a couple of questions I want to write for blogs. I just got to do it one of these days. But not when I have a pounding headache.

New social media account

Hi readers, if you are interested to follow my daily musings, you can now follow me on post.news/@/midnightdemon I just opened the account as one of my other friends did as we had trouble with the chat we do on Sunday evenings. Twitter or rather Musk is being a real twit, making it difficult for people to use the site just to try and force them to pay the $8/month because he lost billions since buying it. He is such a loser. I can’t even post my blog on the site anymore. I hope I can post on Post now. Be interesting to see. The layout is similar to Twitter so I am not sure how that is going to fly in the tech world. I can see it as a copyright thing or something. I am just glad FB is still the same.

I was trying to sleep but then got really hot. My shirt was soaked with sweat. Then my damn foot cramped on me and now I am up in pain. I just took a pain med. I also drank a lot of Gatorade as I was thirsty. I had to use the bathroom anyways. Every time I drink an Ensure with my meds I am up around midnight/one to use the bathroom to pee. I hate it. Sometimes I can go back to sleep but sometimes I can’t.

I want to write about my mother. She was a very stubborn lady as she got older. Mild mannered but had a sarcastic wit that could cut you through the bone. She would often do this after she was sarcastic and you gave it back to her. She didn’t like that at all and could be really mean about it. She tried to understand that I was a man. She had accepted me as a tomboy growing up. I guess that was easier than saying I was a boy. I wish that the medical professionals had asked why I was so sad or if I liked being a girl. It would have made my life so much easier to deal with sooner and cause less suffering. I always had to put things into “woman” things to get the help that I needed. I had to stop my periods because that was a huge trigger and I knew one month I would try to end my life during one of the down days. I was getting closer and closer to actually acting on it and it scared me because I knew this wasn’t me. Once my period stopped and I don’t know when they did, I was free. I could wear boxers full time. I didn’t have to worry about bleeding anymore and all that entailed. I couldn’t tell anyone about how I felt about it because there really wasn’t anyone to talk to. I couldn’t tell my mother this. I remember the pride in her eyes the day I got my menses. She was so happy. I was so miserable. I felt a death sentence had been given to me. It so contradicted how I felt. I felt shame in a way that hurt so bad. She never for the depression side of me. She felt that I would feel better if I just talked to her about things. Trouble is the things I talked to her about was not something she knew a lot about so would just tell me to see this doctor or do this thing. My CRPS pain would be better handled if I went to a specific hospital that was hard to get to. I wouldn’t go and because I didn’t, she was mad at me. I stopped complaining about my foot. When I needed to go to the hospital I would always say my meds needed to be adjusted or the depression is just bad. I wouldn’t get more specific about what was bothering me. I knew she wouldn’t understand it. She always felt like I didn’t need a therapist. I just needed to talk to her. I had to stop telling her who I was seeing after she tried getting in touch with my therapist a few times. That was embarrassing. Here I am an adult seeing a therapist and my mother is calling the therapist to see how I  am. Sometimes I let her think I wasn’t seeing a therapist.

My current therapist is a bitch. She can be tough to deal with and I am having a hard time drawing the line between it being helpful and harmful for me. She gives me the space I need to talk but when I run out of things to say, will want me to continue rather than say “I don’t know”. She often tells me that I can go to my psychiatrist and tell him that I need a new therapist because of this. I have a Taylor song for her. Blank Space. “it’s going to be forever or go down in flames.” “You look like my next mistake.” At this point, I think someone new might disrupt the little stability I have right now. I am not close to this therapist in the least. She is just there to listen to me and try to help me in an annoying way. I guess number seventeen is up and the question is who will fit it.

Muggy and sticky

The temps are in the 70s but the humidity is in the 80s. I wasn’t feeling well yesterday. My blood pressure was high and I just felt like crap. I was in bed for most of the day. I had a cup of coffee and some pop tarts. I had two cups of coffee today with Belvita cookies. I had to get chocolate ones because they didn’t have golden oat that I love. I like the chocolate but it doesn’t taste like real chocolate. It’s more like cocoa powder. It is not my favorite.

I feel really sad today. It’s my aunt’s birthday. I had planned on going down to celebrate but got struck with overwhelming grief and couldn’t go. I miss my mother so fucking much. It is so painful. I am trying to deal with it. It is so hard. I want to be around my aunt but she can be such a downer and I still remember her how she was the day my mother died. I’ve seen her just once since my mother died. I have texted her more than I have seen her.

I need to do something about my beard and mustache. My mustache hairs keep going in my mouth and beard is just unruly. I need to shower. I just don’t feel well today. I think I am dehydrated as I haven’t been drinking anything but coffee the past two days. I haven’t eaten anything more than pop tarts or cookies. I want to make a burger now that I know how to use the grill but it is rainy today.

Something happened with my new earbuds since the last update on my phone. Only one earbud will connect to the phone. I tried shutting them off and then putting them in the case for a bit. Turning on and then connecting but same result. I cannot get both to connect. So frustrating.

I was going to make a marinara sauce today but it got to be too late. I bought the store brand pasta sauce so I am going to make some spaghetti and have it. I have been craving spaghetti for weeks now. Not sure if I am going to shower today. I have an appointment tomorrow morning for my heel. It keeps vibrating/buzzing and is annoying the fuck out of me. Been going on for a week now.