Category: depression

College is becoming more real

I took the chance that I will be able to afford my textbooks and bought them on Amazon. I have the 4^th edition of my psych book as I couldn’t find the 3^rd edition. Hopefully there isn’t a huge difference between the editions. I also checked my email and my NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED!! Finally! No more deadname!!! I am so happy about this as every time I saw my deadname I became dysphoric and if a new professor called me my deadname in a future email I would be crushed.

The past several hours I have been thinking about my mother. It is a really odd feeling when you are expecting a phone call from her and knowing you are not going to get it. I haven’t listened to her birthday message from last year. I just can’t take hearing her voice right now. I still remember one of the last few voicemails she left on my phone asking me to call if I was home or not. She was so hard of hearing that she never really heard me leave the house. I was too quiet for her to hear me.

I see my pcp tomorrow for a follow up for things. I will be going into Boston and I am still trying to navigate getting there. I don’t know if I should take a cab or walk from the station. It is supposed to rain tomorrow so depending on how hard it is coming down (if at all), I will make a decision. I wanted to go out today, just a walk around the block but I chickened out. I went downstairs to get some ham for lunch. My sister was on a work call so I didn’t have a chance to talk to her.

In my facebook memories today was a pic of me and my childhood friend. It was taken before T so I did a transition comparison. In the old pic, I had some goatee hairs. It just affirmed to me that I was a guy even before I realized I was. I know my hormones were higher than a normal female but when the changes with T started happening, it just felt more natural. I sometimes wish I came out sooner but I know that my parents wouldn’t have accepted me. I probably would have attempted more than once if I tried and got rejected.

Last night I was having a dream I was having chest pain and called an ambulance. I woke up with tightness in my chest. I just curl up in bed and it just hurts my chest muscles when I wake up and stretch out. It took forever for the feeling to go away. I wasn’t really taught any exercises to open up the chest area. I was pretty much on my own to do so. No PT was offered. I wish there was. I might ask my pcp tomorrow if I remember.

Christmas 2023

I had a good Christmas. It was good being away but I missed the city. I drove back with my nephew, mostly so I wouldn’t get stuck with lugging everything up my house as my sister would be going to work. I have loaded some pics of the mountain and the ski slopes where they had artificial snow. It hasn’t been a very snowy winter, yet.

I am tired. I am listening to Taylor. I missed my bed. Tomorrow I need to go to the grocery store for half and half. I might have leftover ham if they bring it home. I had raviolis before we left. I was full because we had a big breakfast. I scored once again with Starbucks gift cards. I also got a grocery gift card which was nice. I might buy the stuff to make a casserole. I just don’t know what kind I want to make.

I came home to a bunch of mail. The other shoe dropped. I guess my former employer has given someone else the business of managing their benefits. I got an invoice for my new insurance. It is much less than what I am currently paying, but instead of it being a PPO it’s an EPO. I have no idea if coverage will be different. I hope not. My copays are roughly the same, though I don’t know if mental health copays are still $10. I forgot to check and I don’t really know where I put the information after I cleared my bed.

I am tired. I kept on having weird dreams last night. One of them was about the orange line and how I just couldn’t find the track to take me where I needed to go. I kept on going into Boston’s surrounding areas than where I needed to be. I am not sure if it was home or work as the dream kept changing. I woke up with headaches throughout the night. I am glad I am in my own bed so I won’t be interrupted in the morning. I hope I can have a decent sleep.

I’ve had a pretty good day. I was passed out after we came home from my birthday dinner. I slept till 4am and then had a hard time getting back to sleep. I had to pee. I’ve been noticing I’ve been retaining despite drinking a ton. I haven’t been taking my pain meds so not sure why I haven’t been peeing. I haven’t been getting an urge to pee, more like bladder pains. It has been more than a year since I cathed. Hope I don’t have to go back to it. Today I’ve been drinking water since coming home from breakfast. There were four hours between voids.

My nephew came up. I am happy to see him. I might leave with him tomorrow as I want to be home. My sister is leaving early Tues morning but middle sister needs to go to work so I will have to lug the stuff up the stairs. It’s too much. I love it here. The condo is nice and the mountains are beautiful but this city boy is missing the city. We went to the grocery store yesterday which is a half hour away in the next town. I didn’t like that. I’m used to it being like 5 mins away. 10 if I take the bus.

I tried reading but my sister was watching football and kept saying get him or other sounds which interfered with my thinking. My “bed” which is the couch is where the TV is. I am tired and want to sleep but it’s too early.

I got up later than I wanted. I had two cups of coffee. I had a shitty night sleeping. Another night of dreams and headaches. I packed the rest of my stuff and got dressed. We drove up to the ski resort. It was a long drive.

Tomorrow is my birthday. My sister planned some outing with live music. It should be fun. I am so tired. It is way colder here than in Boston. We are almost to the Canadian border.

I got a pullout on the sofa. I hope it’s comfortable. My brother in law got me pillows. I wish I brought my Sox blanket. Place is drafty.