Category: depression

Life is a flame it can burn out

I had therapy today and it didn’t go as I wanted it to. Part of the trouble was construction was going on and so I was having a really hard time concentrating on what we were talking about. I kept getting distracted. I honestly don’t remember now what we were talking about. I know I tried to change the subject and she didn’t want to let it go. I am so tired. I ended up not talking about how I felt about my birthday and now I don’t see her till the new year.

It’s cold today. I didn’t have energy to walk around the corner to get my meds so I had my cousin drop me off. I walked back and I nearly had an asthma attack. The cold air bothers me for some reason. It is cold in my room. I just put on a long sleeve shirt. I packed for the trip tomorrow. I just need to put stuff in my backpack. I found a pair of jeans that fit me. I knew I had more than one pair. It is in my closet, along with my hoodies. I tried to find my button down long sleeve shirts but they must be in the back where I can’t seem to move the stuff yet.

I have been up since like 6. I don’t know why I have been waking up early. I tried to sleep before the workers came but they were here around 730am so I couldn’t go back to sleep. I woke up hungry so I made something to eat. I am feeling tired now. I didn’t nap at all. I was kind of pissed off at my therapist after therapy and then frantic as I was wondering what the hell to pack. My bed is a mess again. I don’t care. I still need to put the recycle away. And I have a shit ton of boxes to bring down.

I had two cups of coffee today. I wanted a third but my sister kept moving my mug and I don’t know where she put it the last move. I was too lazy to find it so said fuck it. I packed some sugar as my sister said to bring it. I also will be bringing my half and half or it will be bad by the time we come home. I showered, brushed my teeth, and shaved my head. My right foot is hurting me and I don’t know why. Ugh. I nearly bit my tongue off earlier. I have to do something about my broken teeth before I get an infection in my tongue. It is so damn sore all the time now. I have to be careful with what I eat, making sure something isn’t too hard or it can get stuck in my tooth. I was eating pistachios and one of them got lodged in my broken tooth and it was such a bitch to get out. I love pistachios, too.

Random post 18122023

I had therapy today. I purposely stayed in bed till 1230. I had headaches throughout the night so needed the rest. I still have a migraine now. Therapy we talked about how I am partially responsible for being depressed. I said I would work on some mindfulness the next time I am really down. But it is hard when I am sad or depressed for no reason. She asked if I wanted to talk on Thurs but I said next week, which will be in the New Year as she is on vacation next week. I need the break. I am going to see her Thurs though. My birthday is this weekend and I am finding it hard to be worthy of celebrating.

I had a late supper. I really didn’t know what to make so pizza was the winner in the end. I have leftovers for tomorrow. I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I also have been trying to increase my fluids as yesterday all I had to drink was a cup of coffee. I barely drank anything else. Today I drank some Powerade and water.

A nor’easter hit today. We had high winds and a shit ton of rain. The wind was bad that our screen door got blown. It almost took out the frame. My brother in law had to fix it. I am not sure he did or not. The construction for the porches is supposed to happen tomorrow. I’ll believe it when I see it.

I had a misgendering and deadnaming kind of day today. My cousin sent a group text with “ladies” in it. Then my school email replied to the email I sent with my deadname. I filled out yet another form to change my name. I did get information about the campus but will need to physically go there to check it out. I got financial aid so a huge weight is off my chest.

I managed to shave my head after therapy. I got pissed someone moved my razor. I don’t know if they used it or not but I changed the blade anyways. I have been avoiding laying down. I am tired from my interrupted sleep. I hate that things aren’t getting better. They were for a while but now they seem to be the same. I just want one night of dreamless sleep so I don’t wake up with headaches.

Sunday Blog 17122023

It’s almost 0230. I have been up the last couple of hours due to heartburn and needing to use the bathroom. I am awake now and probably will be for a couple of hours. I started writing about how my siblings took me being trans. I am trying not to make my middle sister the bad guy even though she has been down right mean. There were times where she called me a whatever I am and it hurt. My mother did the same thing when she was frustrated with me.

I am at the max dose of the Effexor. I felt a change like I usually do when the dose is increased. It does help my mood. I have been struggling with my suicidality the past few nights. I have been trying to put my thoughts together but there seems to be a block, just like me trying to write about my family’s acceptance of being trans. I just seem to blank out and feel nothing. It makes it hard to write when I feel nothing. I struggle to find my words. I hate it. I can stare at the screen and nothing seems to come to me. I am not sure if I am dissociating or not. I have been going back and forth with my thoughts about ending it.

My cousin’s christening is today. I don’t think I am going to go. I am not up to seeing family. I need to start packing some stuff for my trip. I won’t do my meds till Thurs night. I am going to bring my Kindle so I can try and finish the John Grisham book I am reading. It has gotten interesting. It has been hard to put down once I start reading. I haven’t read Fragile Things by Neil Gaiman. I am slowly working through it. It is interesting as they are short stories. I also plan on bring my baseball book. I don’t know if I will start it but I figure I would bring it just in case. I hope my sleep is better when we are away. This midnight hours I have been keeping have been dragging me down. I have been getting up past 12. Yesterday I forgot to take my morning meds. I didn’t remember until around 4pm.

My foot is acting up for whatever reason. I have been ignoring it the past several days. I just took something for the pain. I didn’t want to but it is a nagging pain. I fucking hate it. My cloud is being uploaded and it is going to be a while as it is loading just around 170kb/s. My internet is slow. I don’t really care as it does what I need it to do when I need to. Sometimes watching videos is hard, but I accept it. I am sort of planning on getting a new laptop next year. This one is still running good but I am having problems with it “waking up” when I open the lid. I don’t want it to die on me. That would be tragic.

I’ll write more later. I am going to try and get some sleep now. Thanks for reading.

Another migraine attack today

I kept on having bad dreams last night. I woke up from one of them looking for my cell phone to tell my nephew to turn down his game but when I woke up, there was silence so I knew it was a dream and not real. It felt so damn real. I was upset because the dream had gunfire in it. I fell back to sleep and when I woke up, I had the worst migraine in a month. I couldn’t see it was so bad. It was just before 7. I really wanted to see my cousin so I went downstairs to make a cup of coffee, hoping that if I stayed up, the headache would go away. It eased up after the coffee but I was still hurting. Around 8, I texted my cousin saying I couldn’t make it. I was hurting too bad.

I managed to sleep a few more hours and I felt a little better when I woke up between 11 and 12. I made a turkey sandwich and coffee. I had some messages to sort through. My sister texted me and wanted to know the location of my friend’s mother. She is buried in the same cemetery as my mother. They died within a week of each other. I still haven’t grieved her loss. It has been hard to with the loss of my mother. It has been a long time since I spoke to her. I can’t remember the last time I did. I think it was when my friend was still living with her, which has been a long time. I’ve known my friend for nearly all of his life. I am older by four months.

I got a weird call that was probably spam that left a message on my voicemail. Apparently, Spectrum is reducing my monthly bill by 50%. Just wish I knew what spectrum was or is LOL. I also got a call from a nurse at my health insurance. Not really sure what they want as I haven’t had a hospitalization since June and ED visit wasn’t since Aug or Sept. Usually it is in response to some health thing.

I am having a panic attack right now as I try to figure out how to pay things on my income for this month and next month. I will have to pay for my meds, which isn’t going to be easy. I have $30 cash right now that I will use for it. Some money needs to go towards my month T pass so I can go to campus for one of my classes. I was thinking about getting there early the first day of class to update my ID and get a thing for the library, if they still do that. It has been a long time since I was a student. I am nervous about it. I am glad I am not having classes now because I would most likely fail. I am so depressed and barely leave the house. I won’t be able to put Starbucks money on my card. I still need to pay double this month for insurance. I haven’t received the invoice yet, which should be coming either today or Monday. Ugh. I can only stretch my income so many ways. I still don’t know if I can afford groceries this month.

My anxiety is also flared up with the layout of the UMB campus. One of my classes is at University Hall which didn’t exist when I attended back in 2008. I sent a message to the one stop place to see if they can show me around campus. I have no idea if I will need to update my vaccinations or not. I got a thing from my pcp but it is mostly just covid and tetanus. I am up to date on my vaccination; just need proof of them.