Category: depression

Therapy and stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide

I had therapy and even though I have been with her for four years, today I feel like I can finally trust her and try and be more open with her. It has taken a lot. I’ve had two suicide attempts with her, one nearly fatal. We talked today how I have no filter between my suicidal thoughts and planning. I’ve known this for at least six or so years. I told her I still have thought of just saying fuck it and ending it. I’m not really acutely/actively suicidal but the risk remains. Yesterday was a case in point where I got really frustrated and wanted to harm myself. It is going to take some real hard work on my part to get through this. Suicidal ideation has been a part of my life for nearly forty years. It isn’t going to happen overnight. In some respects, you can say I am addicted to suicide. People have given themselves up to the higher power to be relieved of their addiction. I’m not there yet. I still believe in the serenity prayer though.

I have some time before my next appt. I’m sitting in the Cafe with a mask on because I don’t want to get sick. I haven’t been feeling really well the past couple of days so I don’t want to spread what I have either. My throat has been scratchy and I’ve been sneezing a lot.

I have my book with me but I’m having a hard time concentrating. Thoughts about therapy have been floating. We talked about the DMH decision and I am going to appeal it. I am going to send her a copy of the letter I got. She thinks i do have a diagnosis for services. I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist.

fucking aggravated

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Fucking aggravated

So I was on hold today for over 40 minutes for the work verification and I can’t get in for another 48 hours because I got locked out. The worst part was that I kept getting called Ma’am the whole time. Like it’s fucking 2023, why are you not asking people’s pronouns on customer service calls?? Is it that fucking hard? I asked if they can mail it and they said it could be up to two weeks. I need this form by Thurs so that doesn’t work for me. I will have to call back on Wed and to see if I can get it which means I have to go through the process again. Fuckers really ticked me off.

It was raining, again, today so I decided to Doordash my grocery order rather than go out. I got my lunch and half and half. Now I am fucking broke. I wanted the afternoon to read but I don’t feel like reading as I am annoyed. Might shave with my electric shaver. Only thing is, I sometimes get hair dust and it leaves a mark. I hate it.

I have therapy tomorrow and I go for my CT for my head. I hope they find something wrong to explain the headaches. I woke up again with them today. They weren’t as bad as last week but still. I feel crummy for the whole day because my head is out of sorts. I will be in Boston for more than a few hours as my therapy appointment is two hours before the CT appointment. I might go to the museum that is free. I haven’t gone yet. I might also go to Starbucks to read for a bit. I will bring my bag with me so I have it just in case I do feel like reading.

I am going to read over the suicide doc I wrote the other night. I also read the post I sent my therapist over the weekend. I hope we don’t do EMDR tomorrow as we are in person but I do hope we can talk about my suicidality without me going to the ED afterwards. I am not suicidal but talking about my suicidality can stir the feelings pot. I won’t act on them as I will be out of the house. It is a lot to deal with as I have been suicidal for nearly forty years. Most of the reason is because I knew I wasn’t a boy and somehow dying just felt like the right thing to do about it. At that age, I had already the all or nothing decision making.

Saturday Blog 28102023

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I guess it wasn’t meant to be for today to go to the Writers weekend. I got a vicious migraine last night and was hurting well into the wee hours of the morning. I woke up and really didn’t want to get out of bed. I had a couple cups of coffee and then was on hold with the pharmacy for my meds. My gabapentin was canceled and I wanted to know why. An hour later, I was told it would be ready in an hour. My phone needed to be charged. I still wasn’t moving with too much energy. I left the house finally at 2 and by the time I reached the bus stop, I knew there be no way I was up for walking around trying to find where I needed to go. I decided to order pizza and maybe read at Starbucks just to get out of the house.

I’m sitting at Starbucks after finishing the pizza. It wasn’t the best but it satisfied my craving for it. I have my coffee and I might read for a bit. I feel like shit but I don’t want to be in my room because I know I will just lie down. I picked up my meds. It was too early to fill the gabapentin so I will have to wait till next week. My tooth hurt where it is broken. I don’t know if it can be saved or not because the break is on the gumline. I am still waiting to see if I will be going to Boston oral surgery to get my teeth extracted. I’m going to call Monday to see if they received my x-rays.

I am tired. I had a bad dream that the breasts grew back. Each time I woke up, my head was hurting me really bad. I took some Tylenol when I had my coffee this morning. It’s helped some. My sister told me that the grounds crew at the cemetery drove over my mother’s grave and broke some stuff. The stone is fine thank God. Not sure if my sisters are going to replace what was broken.

There is a writing thing that happens in November. It is to write for the thirty days to write a novel. I think I am going to try and write at least 500 words a day for my memoir. It will be a challenge but worth a shot. I am at like 103 pages. I could be at my goal of 120+ by the end of November.

Identities that shape us

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, PTSD, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt survivor, transgender

I had a good discussion with my therapist about how last session brought up how much I was a boy and developed as a girl. It was really confusing and I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. The only person who I knew that was a man and dressed as a woman was the leader of the BAGLY support group. She was always surrounded by young males so I never had a chance for a one to one conversation with her. I think if I came out sooner, my life wouldn’t have been so painful. My therapist pointed out that she thinks I identify as being depressed and suicidal. She is right. But being depressed as well as being suicidal is transient. I have other states of being throughout the day. It comes down to my thoughts that go into the feelings that go into the behavior. All are connected in a triad. CBT can break the cycle. I told my therapist today what I thought about a year ago when I was back to my senses. I had a medically serious suicide attempt and I was pissed I was still alive. I didn’t tell her I thought my chance of surviving weren’t that great. The only thing keeping me in this world was having top surgery. It was what kept me going. It was crucial I identify more as a man than anything else in my life. As long as I had those things on my chest, I was not a man and it was literally killing me.

My therapist and I talked briefly about my parents. I know my father would never see me as his son. I don’t even think he would have accepted I liked women. My mother was a little more open but not by much. I will never know if she saw me as her son because she was dying or because her mental state was affected. I know when I came home from the hospital she still used the wrong pronouns. At that point, I didn’t care enough to correct her. It bothered me but there was nothing I could do about it. She wasn’t going to change. It took a lot just to have her call me G.

I like to think the suicidal stuff is behind me but I know it isn’t. It will always be an option for me. I’ve been suicidal since I was eight and even though I am more congruent with my thoughts, I have a shitload of trauma to deal with that could easily make me suicidal again. I learned today that even though I have a suicidal career, I can still change it to something else. It is going to take a lot of work though. As Dr. Doyle says, 1% is better than 0. I’ll be continuing to write about my midnight demons in this blog. It is the one thing that keeps me sane. And I hope that if you have found my blog because you are suicidal, there is hope. Things do change. It took a year for me but I’m not completely out of woods and that is ok. You are here now and I hope you stay.