Category: depression

What a fucking morning

I’ve been up since like 0400. Around 0800, I got a text and email from SNAP office telling me that they needed another document. I check to see what the fuck it is now they need, and it is a letter from my employer stating that I am on leave of absence. UGH I have told them I am on disability. I haven’t worked since 2012. They need a letter stating that. I have no idea who to contact so I track down the HR number. I talk to someone after waiting fifteen minutes on hold only to be told I have to request the letter through a website. I go to the website and can’t login because the numbers they have for verification I don’t know what the hell it is and I think one of them is old cell number. I ended up sending an email to the website. So now I wait. All this fucking documentation better be worth it. I am currently only getting $23.

My bitch sister told me to fold the towels that she washed. She NEVER fucking folds them but will wash them. My clothes didn’t get washed so I just put them in. My back is fucking killing me. And it is only 12. My only saving grace is that my coffee got delivered this morning so I had decent coffee today. I have had two cups of the house blend and one of the weak Columbian stop and shop brand that I will never buy again. I still have the McDonalds brand. I will need all the coffee today.

I have therapy at 4 today. I am either going to be a jittery patient or a sleepy one. I haven’t shaved yet. I ordered McD’s because I didn’t feel like making something. I really want dinosaur nuggets but I will have to go to the store to get it. I am contemplating this. But I have run out of gas and I still need to shave and brush my teeth. Honestly, laundry was not on my to do list today. It has taken so much energy.

Bad night and what is sleep?

I slept for a couple of hours last night as I went to bed early (before 9pm). I woke up a little after 0030 from a bad dream and another headache. I seriously was in a lot of pain but I couldn’t take anything for it because I knew it would go away on its own. About twenty minutes later, the headache was on its way out. I decided to read for a bit. I was up till around 0400. I was in the middle of a weird dream when my alarm went off. Luckily, I didn’t have a severe headache. I took my meds. I got an email from the SNAP benefits office. I had to submit my wages. I am like, I don’t have wages as I don’t work. It took like two phone calls to get someone. They needed documentation that I had disability payments so I sent them what I get a month. I am not hopeful in getting benefits now. I probably “make too much”.

I got up and made some coffee before having to run to the pharmacy to get my vaccinations for flu and Covid. I also got some coffee and a bag of chips before leaving. I needed coffee. They were out of Pike so I got the McDonalds Breakfast Blend. It was decent.

I feel tired. Yesterday I had EMDR in therapy. It got a lot more intense. I was feeling a lot of things. I really hated my mother for doing what she did to me. And also, it was a fucking confusing time as my mother made me see a plastic surgeon when I was thirteen. They were talking about reducing the breast that was bigger but I was like, take them both OFF. I didn’t fucking want them. And the idea I had to wear a bra. So humiliating. I’ve been experiencing “ghost” sensations since therapy. I just feel like there is something heavy on my chest but there is nothing there. It doesn’t hurt. I have no other cardiac symptoms, though I had palpitations twice today. It has been in the high 80s to mid 90s so I am not so worried about it. I think it is mostly anxiety from the trauma that I have been experiencing with the EMDR.

I cannot wait till Halloween. I have my CT appointment then and hopefully, it will tell me why I have the headaches. I see my neuro next week so it will be good I am getting both done in the same week.

Friday, Taylor is releasing 1989 TV. I cannot wait. It is also the start of LGBTQ+ writers weekend and I plan on going. I hope I can get pointers on how to sell my book. I hope I meet someone I can keep in touch with.

Feeling melancholic

I’ve been dealing with a headache for most of the day. I had another night of bad dreams and headaches. I am getting so fed up with it because there is nothing I can take for them. The severity of the headaches pass but it is excruciating waiting for it to pass. I decided to take some Excedrin because I can’t take this headache that lingered after I woke up and had two cups of coffee. I made my cheesy eggs for breakfast and then had a cold cut sandwich for lunch. I made a cup of tea. I am almost out of my coffee. My sister bought me some half and half so I was grateful for that. I have to get coffee this week. I am not sure I will be able to afford my grocery order this month. I have to pay my sister for the electric and gas that I didn’t do last month because I was short. Most of my bills will get paid on Wed. I am hoping the one credit card that I have that is supposed to get drawn on the 24^th of each month, actually goes through by Thurs. Last month I had to wait nearly a week for it to go through. If it had, I wouldn’t have bought some stuff on Amazon.

I am feeling really sad. I read over what I wrote about my suicidality last week to see if anything needed to be added or something. But it was fairly concise and I think well-written even if it had a few punctuation errors. I could expand on a couple of things but I need to think about it.

I need to do my meds for the week. I also need to shave today. I might shower. It’s been a few days since I last showered. Maybe I will after I do my meds. My sister is making a gravy and escarole soup. I am not crazy about soup. My mother was. She would make a huge pot of chicken and more than a few times escarole. It was her favorite. I like chowders. I’ve never made a homemade chowder before. I love corn chowder. I saw how to make a cheddar soup in the crockpot. Only thing is we don’t have one. My sister does so I am sure I can borrow it. It was pretty simple.

I have therapy tomorrow. I can’t wait for Friday as the LGBTQ+ writers weekend starts. I hope it won’t be cold. I have no idea what kind of weather we are going to have. I haven’t looked at the weather report yet. I probably will when it gets closer as it could change by then.

For some reason, my damn calf muscle is hurting. It has been bothering me the last couple of days. I haven’t done anything to it so don’t know why it’s angry. Weird because in one of my dreams, I was in the hospital and I was trying to get some Tylenol for it.

The other night, I went on my Kindle to see if it still worked. It did. I started reading an old book that I must have read nearly thirty years ago called The Education Of Henry Adams. I liked it. In the first three chapters, I have lost count the many times the word “education” is used. It is a lot!! And the first three have always ended similarly. It is a good Boston book as Henry Adams was the grandson and great-grandson of the President Adamses. I don’t think Henry ever took office. His father might have been the last Adams to do so. But I am not sure.

Got things done

I had another rough night of sleep. I woke up around 430 and stayed up for about an hour. I contemplated staying up but I got drowsy and went back to sleep. I then had very weird dreams and headaches. I am so tired of the headaches. They have happened nearly every day this week. I got up around 10ish. I woke up to my med alarm and then had some coffee, hoping it would get rid of the remaining headache I had. After my first cup, I called the radiology dept to see if there have been any cancelations since I last called. To my surprised, I wasn’t immediately on hold. There was a cancelation on Halloween and I took it. I am so glad because I can’t take these headaches anymore. It is making me really feel like not doing anything all the time now. I have depression to do that.

There were dishes in the sink. I decided to do them and then brush my teeth. I wanted to shave but I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand to do the dishes and then shave. My back would collapse. So I did those two things and then went to my room before hunger seized me. I went to the kitchen to make a tuna sandwich but the can’s oil was all at the top and it didn’t taste very good. I had half of it with another cup of coffee. I cleaned up and then went back to my room.

I met with the advisor I have been emailing the past several months. It was good to put a face with a name. We discussed my plan and I signed up for a couple of classes. I also did the stupid SAP thing to get financial aid. I submitted everything but the classes as registration isn’t until Nov. It was a good meeting. I will have to take Italian 101 again so I can take 102 to complete the language requirement. I am working on trying to test out of the requirement.

I was hungry again so I made some pasta. I put some salad dressing on it and it was good. I then cleaned up afterwards, something that I rarely do. Then I was able to relax a bit. I tried seeing if I could get vaccinated on the flu and updated Covid and was able to get the pharmacy around the corner from me. It took me several weeks of trying but I finally got an appointment for next week. Now I just need to find my Covid card. I had to reluctantly go to the bathroom to pee again so when I was finished, I decided to shave. I feel better now that I did everything that I wanted to do. I didn’t empty the dishwasher and I don’t plan on it.

I am kind of tired and I haven’t left the house. My foot just exploded in wicked pain and I am nauseous. I had to turn off the music. My foot is throbbing so bad. I guess I am done for the day.