Category: depression

Went out finally

I woke up and didn’t want to get up. I just wanted to sleep all day. But I had to get my meds. I had a cup of coffee and some biscuits. I brushed my teeth before going back to my room. I was feeling like crap yesterday so never did it. I am growing my beard out but I might shave my head. I made an appointment with the barber for Friday. I have a birthday party to go to Sat and I don’t want my hair to be messy like it is right now.

I got dressed and then went to the bus stop. It was cold but I didn’t feel like wearing a jacket so I just grabbed another lighter jacket and wore my hoodie. I was warm. I got to the bus stop and thankfully there was a place to sit. I waited for the bus as I listened to Taylor’s 1989 TV. I saw on Instagram she release You’re Losing Me on streaming. I love this song. It gives me the feels every time I hear it. She is releasing her movie on her birthday in a few weeks.

I went to the ATM when I got to the Square. I wanted to buy a drink and was debating on getting a birthday card for my uncle. I got the drink and went to get my meds. I didn’t like the selection of cards so I figured I would go to the other store on the way home. I waited for the bus home. I was starting to feel tight in my chest. I was coughing and but didn’t bring my inhaler. I waited it out. It got worse on the way home. I got a card at the store and then went home. I was breathing ok but was coughing up stuff. I made something to eat and then used my inhaler. I feel better now. I got a headache.

I sent my psychiatrist a message about therapy. I don’t want to be in therapy anymore. I don’t know what the point of it is anymore. I’m not sure what my goals are, if any. Apparently talking about my suicidality and trauma isn’t enough like I thought it was. Maybe things have changed and therapists don’t do long term therapy anymore. I have had it going from therapist to therapist, not really getting the help that I feel I need. I thought seeing a CBT/DBT therapist was what I needed. The literature said this and I have been disappointed yet again. I don’t know anymore. Maybe it is me and I am really hopeless and no one has the fucking balls to tell me.

Blank Space

Yesterday I had therapy. It didn’t go well at all. She told me she was in supervision as she didn’t know what to do with me. She doesn’t know how to help me as the suggestions she has made, I have refused. The suggestions were to go to partial hospital and join a support group. I have joined a few support groups. I don’t think partial will help me so I haven’t gone. I was getting upset and she knew it. I told her how intertwined the suicidality and being trans is and she still did not get it. I told her I wanted someone to hear my pain and she went off. I was in my own world by this point and just ended the conversation. I don’t think I will be going back to her. All I can think about is the song Blank Space. She looked like my next mistake and she didn’t want to play. I have a blank space baby, I’ll write your name.

She felt that I wasn’t going anywhere in therapy and because of this she felt ethically obligated to tell me this. I knew then that she and I weren’t going to last. I told her yesterday how I avoided a meltdown when I started feeling super depressed and she didn’t give me any kind of praise whatsoever. I am going to swing not going to therapy for a while. It is the holiday season and people will be taking vacations and such. It will be hard to see a new therapist. I am not sure I want to anyways.

I feel defeated that I have lost yet another therapist.

I have done nothing the past two days. I need to get my meds and just can’t get going. I will try tomorrow. I didn’t sleep too good last night. I woke up around midnight and didn’t fall back to sleep until 530. I woke up tired and didn’t feel like doing anything. I ordered some food because I didn’t feel like cooking. I got the stuff I ordered from Amazon. Some of it is going to my transgender program. I will bring it with me when I go next month.

Short goals

I wanted to do three things today and that was to shower, blog, and work on my book somehow. I was going over it last night and it was painful. I managed to shower and brush my teeth. I didn’t shave as it was too much for me today. I had to do things small. I made myself something to eat and had my sister’s corn chowder which was very good.

I am in the throws of depression hell. I am trying to avoid the fall into suicidal abyss. Nothing really set me off. I woke up feeling depressed and it just got worse as the day grew on. I am not thinking about anything in particular. I just feel morose.

I got some feedback about my book and it was that the transition should be living your best life. I don’t know what that is or what it looks like. I am not there yet. I am still struggling to be comfortable in my own body. Last night I was reading the rest of Henry Adams and my stomach just felt so heavy. It felt like I had something hard under my diaphragm. All I had to eat yesterday was the turkey sandwich and stuffing. I didn’t eat anything else.

I wanted something chocolate so I had my Ben and Jerry’s chocolate fudge brownie. I ate the whole pint. It was so good. I just took my night meds. I also set my alarms for tomorrow as my therapy appointment is at 11. I don’t want to oversleep. I slept through our appointment once and I don’t want to do it again.

Saturday Blog 25112023

I have been sneezing since I got up this morning. I don’t know why. I know my last sneeze attack is because someone sprayed something strong scented and I am reacting to it. Whatever it is, candle or something else, is a mystery until I go downstairs. I am surprised my sister didn’t say something when she came up the stairs. I wish I could put my fan on or have the window open but it’s like 28 degrees out and a balmy 68 in my room. I am already feeling chilly and I am too stubborn to put on my long sleeve shirt.

I had two cups of coffee and then brushed my teeth and shaved my head. I didn’t shave my face because I want to grow a goatee again and I am finding it hard to keep the stubble. I might grow a beard again. I don’t know. Facial hair is nice but can be a pain because my face gets itchy. I find that it doesn’t when I am clean shaven. And I like it so it is going to be a challenge not to shave it off when doing my head. I am not sure when I will be see the barber next. I have been keeping it pretty short so there is nothing for him to cut really. I am sure the back of my head is crooked but I don’t care.

I priced my textbook for next semester and it is fricken over $100. So far, only one class has a book and I hope I don’t have to print stuff for the online class. It is an anthropology class so I am sure there is a ton of notes. I remember the one anthro class I took I had to make a bibliography and it was before I knew about EndNote so I did it by hand. Torture. We had to have ten sources for a paper. I don’t remember if it was our finals or not. It was just a pain. I got to relearn EndNote as I don’t remember how to create a new bibliography. It has been a while. I just have one that is all my suicide research papers and books. I’m excited that I am going back to college. I just really hope financial aid comes through or I am going to be paying UMB until I retire.

I wanted to pick up my prescriptions and have a coffee and read at Starbucks but I couldn’t get going today to save my life. I got hungry around the time I should have been leaving but I wanted stuffing so bad. I made a turkey sandwich and had stuffing with pumpkin pie for dessert. There was a cold breeze blowing in the window and I just said fuck it to go out. I’ll go Mon after therapy.

I am glad my toothache finally went away. I had pain from Wed night till last night. It was horrible. I thought it was the tooth I need a root canal on but then my bottom jaw started hurting whenever I drank something cold or hot or had food that was hot or cold. Then both upper and lower jaw were hurting and so I just took some ibuprofen. I bought ice cream but am scared to eat it. I was craving it. I bought pizza and my usual Velveeta mac and cheese meals. I just hope my niece doesn’t eat them. She already had one of my ramen noodles. Ugh. I don’t mind but I am on a fixed budget and what I buy needs to last a while.