Category: depression

Some things done

I woke up around 9. I took my meds and decided today was the day I was going to shower and shave. My nephew was still home but I didn’t care. I had a coffee and then afterwards, I went to the bathroom. I shaved and trimmed my goatee. Then I showered. I was kind of tired as my back had cramped up while I was shaving but I persisted. I had to sit down a couple times in the shower. I couldn’t help it. My back was not liking me standing for so long. I dried off and then went to my room with the towel wrapped around my waist.

I rested on my bed for a bit before I got dressed. I drank some water. I had to put drops in my eyes because my dry eye was flared up. I got dressed when I got up to do my drops. I still had a couple hours before therapy. I still needed to pick up my meds. I figured I would go after therapy.

My therapist’s connection went out while we were meeting. It took like ten minutes for us to get connected. We talked about the depression and how to do opposite action and radical acceptance. I wanted to go out today because it was nice out. However, after therapy I didn’t want to get dressed. I got lazy. I made something to eat. I wanted to make a tuna sandwich but the bread had to be thawed out. I made stuffing instead and ate the whole box. I didn’t plan it that way but I was hungry and couldn’t see just a little leftover. I had another sneeze attack when I got back to my room. My sinuses were killing me. I have no idea why I am sneezing. I hope I am not getting sick. I know it most likely is because my niece and nephew have been burning candles. I don’t do well with scents.

I’ve been on social media all day. I have been switching between the three of them, well, I think there are four. I did my Italian. I am getting the hang of the language but still mess up with using the word “the” correctly. It messes me up so much because in English you don’t typically say the with nouns. I am hoping that if I master it, I can test out of the language. Only trouble is that my speaking the language is hard. I don’t pronounce things right nor do I hear things right. Sometimes I feel like Joey on Friends when Pheobe was trying to teach him French.

I extended my reading challenge to 16 books. So far I have read 14. I am trying to decide what to read next. I am thinking it might be a baseball book that keeps staring at me. Only problem is that it is the last book in the stack and I am scared I might knock over the pile trying to retrieve it. I have to see if I can fix my printer. It is a mess with toner right now. For some reason it is not picking up the paper so it is giving me an empty thing even though the tray has paper. I think some toner might be in the connection. Ugh. I don’t understand how I got the wrong toner when it is a Canon toner for a Canon printer. I matched it several times. I don’t get it.

Rotten sleep on a dreary day

I woke up around 0430 with a headache. It was the second of the night. I stayed up to read a bit as I didn’t feel sleepy. I took my morning meds around 0630 and then went back to sleep for a few hours. I got up to make some coffee. I brushed my teeth before heading to the kitchen. I had therapy in a few hours. While drinking my coffee, I called the pharmacy to see if my pain meds were in stock. They told me to call after 5pm. I was bullshit. I had waited all weekend. If I waited till after 5, I wouldn’t be able to contact my doctor until tomorrow. I sent a message telling them the situation. They said they were happy to transfer it to another location. I called the one around the corner from me and they have it in stock. I should hopefully get it tomorrow.

I had therapy. I wasn’t too talkative. I had a slight headache. My nephew is burning a candle and scents usually give me a headache and cause me to fucking sneeze my head off. It is irritating my nasal passages. Nothing major went on in therapy. We talked about grief and the trans joy I felt briefly. We are going to continue the EMDR next week. I don’t know if it will be the same memory or if we will work with a different one.

I worked on my book for a little bit. I wanted to write about my suicidality but the scent of the candle is making the headache worse so I can’t think. It is raining. I haven’t shaved or showered. I wanted to but now don’t have the energy. I just want to sleep but it’s only 5pm. I want some chips but I have no snacks. I made mac and cheese for lunch. Not really sure what I will have for dinner, if anything. I just want to fucking sleep but I know if I try and sleep now, I will be up all night again. Fucking sucks.

Saturday Blog 14102023

I had some difficulty sleeping through the night again. I was up around 0030 after dreaming and promptly had a severe headache. I took some Tylenol. And then when the headache was a little better, I read for about an hour. I wanted to read another chapter but I got tired and went back to sleep. I woke up around 530 or so with another headache after dreaming. I went back to sleep and then was in and out of sleep for the next few hours. I had a dream I was sleeping with my mother who was talking in her sleep about going to a doctor’s appointment.

I got up around 1130. I took my meds and then made coffee. I had to pick up my meds, which I thought were ready but only one was. My pain meds are still on order and won’t be in until Monday. I went to Starbucks and read for a little bit. I had to stop reading because I wanted to pause and think about what I read. It was about empathy and telling your suicidal story to a therapist. My therapist doesn’t listen to my narrative. Often times, like my past session, she will try and fix the issue I am dealing with. She then becomes irate because I don’t take this “fixing”. I am going to try and bring this up to her on Monday when I we meet.

I have thought about writing about my suicidal career for my new memoir I am writing. I wish I had written down some of the thoughts I had the other night about it. I forgot what I wanted to say and how to say it. Now I am just looking at a blank screen with some idea of what to write but not sure what exactly.

My dentist sent me a release so they can send my xrays to the dental office in Boston so I can get my broken teeth extracted. Problem is that my printer is sort of broken so I can’t print it out and then send it. I don’t have a paid PDF thing where I can transfer it to a word doc. Eating has been difficult since I broke what remained of the broken tooth and then broke the tooth next to it. It is sharp where it is broken. I have been trying to eat on the other side but I forget. It doesn’t hurt though so that is good.

I am tired just from going out. My legs felt like cement on the way home and it was just a couple of blocks that I had to walk to my house. I was wicked out of breath when I came up the stairs. I hate when I get like this. I don’t know why some days are like this and other days I am ok. Last weekend, I walked close to 6,000 steps, my most ever in one day. I still remember the joy I felt. It is hard as I haven’t been feeling that way the past few days. I have been mostly sad and depressed all week. Grief has been hitting me in waves. I miss my mother every day. Some days it is easier than others. Today isn’t one of those days.