Category: depression

Seven weeks post op top surgery

I saw my surgeon today and he is so fricken handsome now that he isn’t wearing a mask anymore. I love him. He said I look awesome and that if I have any problems to give him a call. Other than that, I am to see him in a year. I saw the awesome NP that has been taking care of me the past few weeks. She said I look good and the puffiness on the right is just normal. I don’t have fluid anymore much to my relief. I just have numbness. I am binder free and I love it. I am really happy with everything, even though my mother isn’t around to share with it.

I had gone to Starbucks before the appointment and left my stylus. I forgot to put it back in my phone before leaving and it fell, thankfully was found, and I picked it up after my appointment. I also picked up my meds. I dropped off my mother’s insulin in the med disposal box at the hospital. I felt so sad disposing of it. I don’t know how to deal with her loss anymore. I wanted to call her so many times while I was out today. My cousin gave me a ride to the Square. We talked about my mother for a bit.

I was able to call PT and set up some appointments for my foot. It has been bad the past few days. I have been in so much pain. I just sent my pcp a message asking if I can use diclofenac gel on my foot. I will have the same PT that I have had before. I am glad because we work well together. I am kind of scared though because my foot is all knotted up and she is good at finding them. It hurts when she works them out. But I feel so much better afterwards.

I am thinking of making a burger with turkey bacon tonight for dinner. I am craving a burger. I might make some fries, too. It is cool out today so I can turn on the oven without overheating the house. I am so tired. I woke up around midnight and stayed up till around 3. I fell back to sleep, thankfully. I had a cup of coffee when I got up. I had my last Belvita cookies package. I need to order more next week when I get paid. The anise cookies that were on the table disappeared. I don’t know if my sister took them or my niece. My Cheez its are gone and I am not happy about that. I didn’t have any. Someone ate them all, again. I am not buying them anymore as I never eat them. Someone seems to grab them before I can get to them.

With me being free from the surgeon, I can now take care of my mental health. I thought about going back to the hospital for a couple of weeks but there is no guarantee I will be at the hospital I was in. I don’t know really what I expect out of it. My therapist said that I will be sad for a while. It hasn’t even been two months since my mother passed away. I feel like I will disappoint my sister if I go back in. I just don’t know what to do. I know my therapist won’t be no help. I am struggling with suicidal thoughts, some days they are worse than others. I don’t think I will act on them but I feel like I could as I don’t trust my impulses. I have been in control the last few months. I haven’t done anything or taken anything impulsively, except for a dose of Ativan because the binders were annoying me. I just think my grief would be better handled if I were inpatient for a little while. I don’t know though. I don’t see my psychiatrist until June 1^st. I’m not sure what he will say. I wish I could talk to him without having to send him a message in my record. I feel like everything is recorded these days. Sucks.

I did a few errands and put on three loads of laundry. Came home and was wicked sad. House just feels so empty without my mother.i went to my room to write this blog and my laptop wouldn’t work. I am so frustrated with it. Restarts take forever. I think I might have to buy a new one.

It’s like 80 degrees out. I have the binder on. I put it on after I showered. I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up in the middle of the night again and didn’t get back to sleep till after I went pee at like 6am. Then the bowels woke me up around 1030. I almost didn’t make it to the bathroom on time. My chest feels heavy today and I was short of breath while walking. I think I have fluid in my chest again as my chest isn’t as flat as it was. It is hard though so it might just be healing. I’ll find out Thurs when I see the surgeon.

I am wicked tired. Wicked sad. I need to take my recycling downstairs. Tomorrow I don’t have to do anything. My allergies are wicked bad today. Nose is all congested and my eyes keep tearing. I got to use Flonase again. I get in a routine of using it and then forget a few days. Nose has been hurting me for some reason past few days. I hate this season but I hate summer more. Can’t deal with heat.

I tried calling PT to make an appt for my foot but my phone wouldn’t connect for some reason. I’ll try tomorrow.

A happy Monday 15052023

This morning when I checked Twitter, I read some happy news. A very sucky pitcher got DFA’d! I am so happy. He was awful last year and continued to be this year. I am glad they got rid of him.

I had one cup of coffee before therapy. It was not enough as I wanted to just go back to sleep. I should have rather than have kept my appointment. I told her I skipped some stupid prompts on the handout she gave me and the way she reacted was typical of her. She pissed me off. I had to hear again how I had to change my behavior, to reach out more to groups and such rather than to my providers. She makes it seem like she can’t offer me support and it pisses me off.

I had another cup of coffee after therapy and ate the leftover cauliflower my niece made. She had gotten into it, even after I told her it was all mine. Least she saved me some. The water was being worked on today so I couldn’t shower. I will try tomorrow. I was supposed to go pick up my prescriptions today but I never made it out. I got lazy. I took a nap for a few hours. I really didn’t want to do anything. I just want to stay in bed.

I am having a little bit of chest discomfort tonight. I don’t know why. I haven’t put the binder back on yet. I am rebelling. I am so tired. I don’t know if I am going to listen to the game. They lost yesterday, actually, they lost all weekend. Three in a row. I don’t know if I can bear to hear another loss. Right now neither team has scored. I hope Houck (my favorite pitcher) can pitch well today.

I wanted to tell my therapist that I am planning on going to the hospital but I think it will be better for her to find out when I am in the emergency room. Fuck her. I am sick of her telling me to seek support all the time. Usually when I do, it isn’t a good experience. I better off on my own.