Category: depression

Food allergies suck

Last night I went out to eat at new Chinese/Japanese place with my sister. I was worried about my ginger allergy but didn’t think to tell the waitress about it. One of the appetizers was “contaminated” with ginger and I reacted. My mouth swelled up but there was no throat constriction like before. We came home and I took some Benadryl. The game was in a rain delay as there were t-storms coming through. It got really loud and downpours happened. By the time the game started like two hours later, I was toast. I went to bed. I wanted to take another dose of Benadryl around midnight and I woke up but wasn’t thinking. I just checked the score of the game (they won finally!) and went back to sleep. Around 4am I woke up hungry and had some fig bars. My mouth was still swollen so I took some more Benadryl. I knew I was going to have a hard time getting up. I needed to get my prescriptions in the Square and had to call a cab to get there. I checked my epipen to see if it expired and it had so I sent a message to my pcp requesting another one.

Around 1030, I finally got up. I took my meds and my gums were still sore in spots. I felt like shit from the Benadryl. I needed coffee. I made two cups and then booked a cab to come around 1230. I went to the little grocery store as I had to use the cab for food or medical appointments. I bought some cauliflower and more half and half. Then I went to the pharmacy to get my meds. There was a line longer than anticipated. I was there for at least a half hour as there was just one girl working there and the customer ahead of me had their prescription misplaced somewhere. It took two people to find it. I thought I had just two prescriptions but stupid auto refill had filled another script without my knowledge. I’m glad I don’t have to pay for my meds right now or I would be stuck coming up with cash I didn’t have.

I went home and felt like shit. I made another iced coffee as I was thirsty. I put my groceries away. I had an hour to kill before the bereavement group met. I went to the utility cabinet to get some soap I hoped would entice me to shower later. I found my mother’s shampoo and nearly had a meltdown. There were three bottles of it left. It left me feeling so much grief.

The bereavement group went ok. I told them how hard my week has been and that my therapist is worried about me. Before we ended yesterday she asked what would I do if I became unsafe. She doesn’t normally ask this of me. I wasn’t right yesterday. I was not right today. I am not okay. I don’t know if I will be. I don’t want to be in therapy. I don’t want to talk anymore. I just want to be left alone. My heart is breaking into pieces.

Missed streak and being depressed

I was out of it yesterday. I just couldn’t get going. I was up half the night and I was just completely tired the whole day. I only left my room to use the bathroom. I had a cup of coffee and a pop tart. But that was it. I went back to bed after I canceled therapy. I tried to schedule for next week but she wouldn’t let me so we met today. I thought about canceling again but that might make her concerned so I kept the appointment. She was concerned anyway as I wasn’t myself. I was feeling a lot of pain and grief. She wanted me to talk but I didn’t know the words to say how I felt. I told her I got triggered when I saw my pcp last week, with the weird delusions and stuff. I also felt disconnected and dissociative. I dreamed my mother was in bed and when I went downstairs to check, she wasn’t there. I felt so damn sad. At the end of our time, she said that if I became unsafe what would I do. I told her I would call her and then probably go to the ED.

I need to go to the Square to pick up my meds. I am still out of tpass funds so need to use a cab voucher to get there. I hate calling but the app you need a credit or debit card to book a reservation. Sucks. I got such a headache right now. I just want to sleep. I don’t want to go out. My sister just invited me for dinner. I haven’t really eaten anything in two days. I just am not hungry. I had some Ensure last night to take with my Latuda. I felt nauseous afterwards. It eventually went away. It is warm today. My room is stuffy. There is a cool breeze coming through the window though.

I have no idea what the fuck I did to my knee. It has been hurting for two days now. I need to get it checked but I am afraid as osteoarthritis runs in the family. I don’t want a knee replacement. I took some ibuprofen last night and it helped a little bit.

Sunday I slept till 430pm. It was odd because if my mother were alive, she would have called me between 1 and 2pm to see if I was alright. I was in my room all day yesterday and other than a text from my sister, no one else called. It is just weird. Not even the sister I live with checked on me. Not that I need checking up on but some hellos would be nice.

I didn’t listen to the game last night but they lost anyways. I lost track of their streak for losses. For every win they lose like three in a row, sometimes more. My sister wants to go out to eat tonight. I really don’t feel like going out. But I will for her. I just want to sleep.

Having a hard time with grief

I woke up late. I was up in the middle of the night again because I couldn’t sleep. The stupid birds were chirping so fucking loud. I read for a bit. Then I turned in a little after 0300. When I got up, the house was empty in more ways than one. No one was home. Didn’t help that before I got up, I had a dream about my mother. Every day there is some reminder of her. My sister just got her picture a new frame. I see it every time I head upstairs to my room.

I am not comfortable in my new body. I have a huge stomach and it is giving me all the dysmorphia feels. I keep wanting to bring this to my therapist’s attention but I keep forgetting. I ate today and I feel guilty about it. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to eat lately. I think I might have an eating disorder or something. I just want to starve myself. I feel better when I don’t eat.

I had made an iced coffee when I came home from PT. She killed my calf muscle. She found a huge knot and it hurt so much. She said I need to do calf stretches. I am bad at them because sometimes it leads to Charlie horses and those aren’t fun. I got two balls, a tennis ball and a little bouncy ball to work on my foot. I got to remember to take them to the kitchen with me when I have my coffee. I keep forgetting them.

I brushed my teeth today before I left the house. I am going to have to borrow money from my sister or brother in law because my tpass funds are low. I won’t be able to get around if I don’t have my tpass. I do have taxi vouchers that I haven’t used yet.

I am having nerve pain in my chest and I feel like I need to cry but the tears won’t come. I have never been an easy cryer. It takes a lot for me to cry. I have to feel strong emotions to cry. Grief is killing me. I tried taking a nap because I was very tired after PT but I didn’t sleep. It’s also hot in my room. I am topless again. I find that helps a little with the nerve pain as the shirt isn’t irritating me.