Category: depression

Things I should have done but didn’t today

Since getting my birth certificate amended, I haven’t done a thing with it. I need to go to the social security office and have my sex changed and call my former employer so I can get it changed on my health insurance. Problem is that I don’t know who to call for my former employer. I have a thing come in with the payment for my health insurance that says contact your leave coordinator but I don’t know if I have one as I am disabled. I am phone phobic and would like to just email someone but don’t know who. So I have stayed home rather than go to the social security office and made no phone calls. I also haven’t called PT to make an appointment. Someone was supposed to call me back and they haven’t yet. I am so fricken sad today that I just want to sleep. But I kept on having weird dreams so I got up.

I have been sending my cousin, who is a coffee drinker like me, a lot of funny coffee memes. I get them from Facebook and today they have been on fire. I have saved so many and sent like three to her. I have had three cups of coffee today and plan on having one more before the game tonight. Makes up for yesterday. I only had one cup yesterday and was in bed by 2030.

I want to work on my book today. I plan on writing about the top surgery process I went through. I meant to write it while I was recuperating after surgery but things got urgent with my mother dying a week post op. The binder today is testing my patience. I want to take it off so bad but I don’t want fluid to accumulate. I took an hour break and now I am fighting myself with putting it back on because my back is so fricken itchy. Eventually, I will write about all of this in my book.

I woke up really sad today. I’ve tried to push through it. I wanted to nap but couldn’t. I’ve done nothing productive today. I did make a cheeseburger for my lunch. I haven’t eaten anything else. It is getting late so I probably will just have an Ensure when I take my night meds. I am out of my supplements so it is just the Latuda and senna that I have been taking. I hope I can stay awake for the game tonight. Bello is pitching. It can be a really good pitcher’s duel or a slug fest. All depends on if he has his stuff. We lost last night and I wasn’t happy. Pivetta sucks so bad. I am glad I didn’t hear more than what I did the first inning of the game. It was an awful start to the game.

A disappointing day

I wanted to wake up early so I could make breakfast as I knew I would be hungry after my appointments today. It wasn’t meant to be. I woke up and had one cup of coffee before I had to get dressed to catch the bus to head into town. The kitchen was cold as the door was open. Weatherbug said the temp was 57 but it felt like 47. The wind made everything cold. I left the house with a sweater on.

My first appointment was therapy. We talked about my grief some more. She is worried that I will ruminate and become suicidal. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I already was and that soon as I am cleared from my surgeon, I am going in the hospital. I didn’t tell her that either. She gave me some DBT skill called IMPROVE. I am to work on each thing each day until I see her again.

I then went to the clinic and even though I didn’t feel like there was fluid in my chest, there was. I was really hoping there was no fluid so I could say good bye to this binder but nope. I got to wear it another week. The NP is concerned and will discuss with the surgeon on what to do next. They drained 90cc of fluid. I am so disappointed. I didn’t feel it. The NP really had to maneuver the needle to aspirate the fluid as it didn’t want to come out. The left side of my chest is healing nice, though it is causing me more nerve pain than the right. Without the binder, I am wicked hypersensitive to clothes. The binder does irritate and cause some discomfort but it is mostly because it is constricting me and after a while, it just becomes uncomfortable to wear. If I have a hard time sleeping, I will take the binder off. I don’t care.

I was up in the middle of the night again. I didn’t get up, only once and that was to drink something as my throat had gone dry. It really sucked trying to get back to sleep. I kept tossing and turning. I hate it. I go from my pillow to my cushion and back. I stayed up late last night too, till around 10pm as I was watching Mandalorian. I love the show. I am trying not to watch it all at once because then I will be sad. I got Paramount+ so I can watch Picard. I haven’t yet. I want to watch it from the beginning so I know what is going on.

I was really tired after my appointments. I just wanted to go home but I missed the bus so I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds so I didn’t have to go out tomorrow. I had a half hour to kill while I waited for the next bus. I wanted a Starbucks latte but I didn’t feel like walking to get it. Even now I am tired. I am thinking of just going to bed rather than listen to the game. I just checked the score and wish I didn’t. It’s only the bot of the 1^st and we are down 4 runs. The starting pitcher sucks. Today just sucked. Yup, I am going to bed now.

Self-care Monday

I woke up before my med alarm so I took my meds early. I then had a couple cups of coffee. I thought about what to do today. I was hot last night so I took my shirt off and have been shirtless all day. It feels so good. It is sunny out so I didn’t go outside. You can’t be in the sun for a year post op. I think I am going to go to Starbucks and read for a bit. I think it will be nice.

I showered and brushed my teeth. I also trimmed my beard so that it is down to a scruffy look. I might shave it, I am not sure yet. I also trimmed my mustache. I am going to try and diet. I am going to take the long way to the bus stop just to get some steps in. I am also going to drink Ensure more rather than eat a meal. I will only eat protein like chicken. I am hoping with the nicer weather I can force myself to at least walk around the block a few times each day to have increased movement. I would love to walk to the Square again (1.9 miles). That is a long walk for me. I haven’t walk a mile in a very long time. I don’t know if I can do it but I think if I try every day to walk a little further than the day before I will get there.

I am feeling better after I showered. It feels really weird not having boobs anymore. I have to get used to my new chest. I love it though, so much. It makes me really happy. I wish my mother could see this or I could at least tell her so she doesn’t give me a face about it. I know she would probably have a sarcastic comment about it.

I feel sad that my mother isn’t here to share my happiness about losing the things on my chest. I just hate the numbness and tightness. I know I should be wearing the binder but it is so irritating. I will put it on before I go out for a walk. I think I have some fluid in my right side again. I will find out tomorrow if this is true. I also seem to have a lump around the incision scar on the left side. I don’t know if that is fluid or just swelling. I will ask when I see the NP.

I don’t know if I mentioned it, but Friday I was able to contact a social worker at MGH and I will be starting in a bereavement group in June. I think it is short term so I don’t have to worry about it being longer than a few weeks. I see my therapist for the first time since Dec 2021 tomorrow. It will be good to see her. I want to talk about the sexual abuse my mother did to me. I think it will be important to address now that she is gone. I have been thinking about this. I never and probably never would be able to tell her how I felt when she took me to the surgeon at 13 years old because my boobs were not even. I often wonder if I came out as a boy then, what my mother would have done. I was so unhappy as a teen in addition to all the problems between my parents and sisters. It was rough during my teen years. I wish I could say more but I can’t right now.

I am so excited Taylor is coming out with her version of Speak Now!! It comes out July 7th! I’ve been listening to the album since the Sox game ended last night. I had to pause it while I listened to the game today but I have it back on now.

I’ve been feeling pretty sad. My sisters went to the cemetery yesterday and I wish they told me. Today they are at my cousin’s for a birthday party. I’ve been home with my nephew most of the day. I made a burger and some ramen noodles to eat. I then had ice cream which was not a good idea as my teeth hurt from the cold. I was able to brush my teeth for the 6th day straight. I bought new toothpaste and I love the taste. Last night I struggled to brush but I made myself do it. It is so hard for me. I was going to shower today and haven’t. I just don’t feel like it. It has been more than three days since I last showered. I don’t care. I will tomorrow.

Sox lost their 8 game win streak today. Relief pitcher gave up a home run and our bats were not swinging so we lost. Tomorrow they are off. I hope I can read some. I haven’t touched the book in a few days. Mostly it is because the author uses the word caste a lot and it is overly done, I think. I don’t think the book is well-written at all, so far. It is hard to read. It is a library book so I might return it without finishing it.