Seven weeks post op top surgery
I saw my surgeon today and he is so fricken handsome now that he isn’t wearing a mask anymore. I love him. He said I look awesome and that if I have any problems to give him a call. Other than that, I am to see him in a year. I saw the awesome NP that has been taking care of me the past few weeks. She said I look good and the puffiness on the right is just normal. I don’t have fluid anymore much to my relief. I just have numbness. I am binder free and I love it. I am really happy with everything, even though my mother isn’t around to share with it.
I had gone to Starbucks before the appointment and left my stylus. I forgot to put it back in my phone before leaving and it fell, thankfully was found, and I picked it up after my appointment. I also picked up my meds. I dropped off my mother’s insulin in the med disposal box at the hospital. I felt so sad disposing of it. I don’t know how to deal with her loss anymore. I wanted to call her so many times while I was out today. My cousin gave me a ride to the Square. We talked about my mother for a bit.
I was able to call PT and set up some appointments for my foot. It has been bad the past few days. I have been in so much pain. I just sent my pcp a message asking if I can use diclofenac gel on my foot. I will have the same PT that I have had before. I am glad because we work well together. I am kind of scared though because my foot is all knotted up and she is good at finding them. It hurts when she works them out. But I feel so much better afterwards.
I am thinking of making a burger with turkey bacon tonight for dinner. I am craving a burger. I might make some fries, too. It is cool out today so I can turn on the oven without overheating the house. I am so tired. I woke up around midnight and stayed up till around 3. I fell back to sleep, thankfully. I had a cup of coffee when I got up. I had my last Belvita cookies package. I need to order more next week when I get paid. The anise cookies that were on the table disappeared. I don’t know if my sister took them or my niece. My Cheez its are gone and I am not happy about that. I didn’t have any. Someone ate them all, again. I am not buying them anymore as I never eat them. Someone seems to grab them before I can get to them.
With me being free from the surgeon, I can now take care of my mental health. I thought about going back to the hospital for a couple of weeks but there is no guarantee I will be at the hospital I was in. I don’t know really what I expect out of it. My therapist said that I will be sad for a while. It hasn’t even been two months since my mother passed away. I feel like I will disappoint my sister if I go back in. I just don’t know what to do. I know my therapist won’t be no help. I am struggling with suicidal thoughts, some days they are worse than others. I don’t think I will act on them but I feel like I could as I don’t trust my impulses. I have been in control the last few months. I haven’t done anything or taken anything impulsively, except for a dose of Ativan because the binders were annoying me. I just think my grief would be better handled if I were inpatient for a little while. I don’t know though. I don’t see my psychiatrist until June 1st. I’m not sure what he will say. I wish I could talk to him without having to send him a message in my record. I feel like everything is recorded these days. Sucks.