midnightdemons7

In a mood and a half

My alarms went off this morning but I didn’t get up until 10. I still had time to catch the bus and have a cup of coffee. I wasn’t feeling like leaving the house. I hate when I spend a few days in because it is so hard to leave afterwards. After I had a cup of coffee and a donut, I went to go get dressed. I wasn’t going to make the bus that was coming so I thought I would catch the following bus. Either I took too long getting dressed or the bus was early. Either way, I missed it. I had to wait a half hour for the next one, which meant I couldn’t get my meds or go to Starbucks as I was going to be late for class.

When the train finally reached campus, the opposite train had pulled in. I thought about skipping class but I went reluctantly. I hate being late but being it’s better to be late than never. The professor was talking about the new book and how there were problems. I had missed two classes so I was behind. I didn’t read the rest of the book. We went over it today. I wasn’t getting any of the concepts he was talking about.

When class was over, I waited for the shuttle. As I was walking toward the train station, I was out of breath. I kept pushing and took the elevator to the platform rather than going down the stairs. I was really huffing. I had my mask off and thought about taking it off. The train came so I was able to rest. Then the train stopped soon after it left the station. We were delayed like 10 minutes or more. I was not happy as I felt trapped. I just wanted to get home. I went to Starbucks for a mocha and something to eat. I was in a mood and wanted a reward for going to class. After I ate, I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I wasn’t able to get my migraine med because I don’t have the money for it. I won’t have money until Mon. I got to pay three bills.

I went to the bus stop and the bus was late. I was so annoyed. I just wanted to go the fuck home. I had to pee, of course. I finally reached my stop and walked as quickly as I could to relieve my bladder. I was so out of breath. There were icy spots on the way home so I was careful. It had warmed up some and there wasn’t much wind, which was nice.

Now that I am home, I am debating on taking a nap. I am so tired. The sandwich I had at Starbucks has flared up my gallbladder. I feel bloated and gassy. I have to work on my Italian. And read my English book. I should probably finish it by Sunday. I am just hoping tomorrow I am not too tired. I still need to do Italian homework. The professor assigned a text and it is all in Italian. I have no idea what it is saying. Then we have to answer some questions and I don’t know what they are saying either. It’s “fun”.

Overslept

I took a trazodone last night, hoping it would work as my sleep has been awful the past week or so. I went to bed around 930. I didn’t really mean to fall asleep as I waiting for somethings on my game to be done so I could complete one of the tasks. But within like 10 mins, I was out and didn’t wake up until my alarm went off at 730. I was in the middle of a dream and felt awful. My next few alarms went off but I didn’t get up. I ended up falling back to sleep and when I woke up it was 1130. Oops. It was too late to go to class. I felt awful, mentally and physically. I had a hangover from sleeping so much.

I emailed the professor to say I wouldn’t be in class, again. My DMH worker texted me wanting to call me today. We talked for about an hour or so. I just felt so bad. I told her my concerns about my therapist and she encouraged me to talk to her tomorrow when we meet. Boston just put a winter advisory out as temps are going to be wicked cold. It’s probably going to be colder in East Boston as it is by the water. I will bundle up.

I managed to brush my teeth and shave. I wanted to shower but I don’t feel like it. My therapist’s office called to confirm my appointment tomorrow and they deadnamed me again. My therapist told me it was all straightened out. I just texted her the message I got. Told her I want that name taken out of the system. I am going to raise hell tomorrow.

Painsomnia kept me up.

I had mac and cheese for dinner last night and I think that annoyed my gallbladder. It was hurting me all night. I slept for a few hours and then woke up around 1ish. That was the end of sleep. I tried going back to sleep at different times but never could. The thing with FAFSA was on my mind and I was feeling really depressed. Around three, I contacted a trans hotline, which was useless. I don’t think there is anyone there because no matter what time I call, no one picks up. I am sick of it and am not going to use it anymore or tell anyone about it. If I see someone promoting it, I am going to tell them no one is there.

Today was a holiday so I didn’t reach out to anyone. It was icy and windy and cold so I didn’t leave the house. Tomorrow it is going to be colder but hopefully no wind. I just hope the streets are better for walking. I talked to my professor about the book as I can relate to it and apparently, we haven’t begun to talk about the section so I am ahead in the reading. I am not looking forward to the Italian homework as there is 18 sections. Ugh. And I got to do a discussion thing on tattoos from the book. I will work on it on Wed. I still need to go to the grocery store and get some American cheese so I can make my cheesy eggs.

I started journaling last night. I was hoping it would help my anxiety around school. Getting my degree means so much to me. If I can’t get it because of the jerk in office, I don’t know what I am going to do. I know mentally I am not going to be stable.

I am so tired. I tried to take a nap a few times today but couldn’t rest. My mind just kept going in the gutter. I kept thinking of ending things. I don’t know if I am going to bring this up to my therapist or not. I guess it will depend on what kind of mood I am in. I just hope I get some sleep between now and then. I am going to bed early tonight. Hopefully I will sleep most of the night.