midnightdemons7

Tired and lost

I woke up for my therapy appointment. I found it to be depressing as we talked about me being trans and how it upset me by not being validated by my family. I still wish I had a chance to talk to the leader of the BAGLY meetings I went to when I was a teen about changing sex. She was the only person I knew that went from male to female. I wanted to go from female to male. I hated myself so much. I am depressed as fuck when I remember all this stuff. It doesn’t go away. You don’t just have top surgery and then suddenly fall in love with yourself after years of loathing.

My therapist read one of the two chapters in Shneidman’s book. She found it helpful. We talked about the things in the book that I can’t remember now. She brought up some points with my mother about her not accepting me. I just felt really down after session. I went back to sleep for a few hours. I just didn’t want to get up. I only got up around 230pm because I had to pee. I had three cups of coffee and something to eat.

I read my boring English book. I had to read like 50 pages to get to part two. It is so dull. I got a headache after finishing the 50 pages. I took my night meds early. I am still tired. I got to be up early tomorrow. Maybe if I am, I can get a breakfast wrap at Starbucks with my latte. I am going to need a lot of espresso tomorrow.

I sent my psychiatrist a message the other day and I still have not received a response. Pisses me off. This is why I hate seeing him every month or so. I don’t see him again till March. I have a few appointments in March, especially during the break.

My RN called me back today to let me know what my doc and the meeting have been discussing. I can have my diagnosis changed. It’s up to me as there is no pressing need to do so right now. It would involve a new PA and all that shit. So I decided to stay with things, for now unless things change. I still haven’t heard about my financial aid from UMB but I got a reminder to pay my bill. Ugh. I don’t have four grand. I told my therapist today that if I had to withdraw, my mental health will be in the toilet. I love being academic and doing research and stuff. It will kill me not to be able to do it. I just got off text with the crisis line. I so wanted to act on my SI’s. I haven’t been close to acting because I am not exactly sure where things are. I would have to look for it and I don’t really want to. I know that if I know where they are, it makes it more likely to act when I feel like acting. Better to not know and just have a general sense of where they are.

It’s cold in my room as there is a slight breeze coming through my AC area. Also, the window is partly down on the upper one. Going to be a cold night. I hope I don’t have to put on an extra blanket.

Class and stuff

I didn’t want to leave the house today. I was so tired because I was up a few hours in the middle of the night, again. I got to stop going to bed around 830/9pm. I keep waking up around midnight/1am and then I am up for a few hours each time. Sometimes I can go back to sleep but sometimes I can’t and then I am up the entire day. Luckily, I fell back to sleep, though I don’t remember the time. Maybe 4 or 5am.

I left the house a little later than I usually leave and it cost me because the trains were slow and at one point had a delay. I got to class with 10 mins to spare. We discussed the book. I am supposed to read at least a third of the 2^nd book but it is boring as fucking hell. I did Italian when I came home, which was difficult as I still have no idea what the fuck I am doing. They had some pictures in the homework that I was supposed to describe what was going on. I had no words…I left the shit blank. Fuck that. Then I worked for like an hour on the next section trying to figure out the reflexive and if it was or not. It was annoying because I had to remember how to conjugate as well, which I did wrong the first few times. Ugh. I swear I am going to fail this class before it is over. I have no idea when the first exam is because it isn’t on the syllabus. There is NOTHING on the syllabus about the flow of class. Thursday I am supposed to get up early to go to the language lab so I can work on the reflexives. Damn thing is hard.

I came home and had to warm up before making something to eat. My niece made some food that smelled so good and it got my appetite up. I made burgers but there was no damn American cheese that was sliced normally. The last time I ordered it they sent me blocks of cheese instead of slices. I didn’t know this until my niece took it out so I can’t complain to them now as it has been a while. I am so mad that even the pepper jack cheese is in blocks instead of slices. Now I got to go and buy it even though I have it. Ugh I am so annoyed.

I got a lot of phone activity while I was in class. I got two phone calls. One was my therapist office which still deadnamed me. I flipped out and immediately texted my therapist. She said she was going to do something about it. I hope so because I am fucking sick of this bullshit. The second call was my RN at the trans clinic. I wanted to discuss diagnoses for the T and stuff but she didn’t know where that stands. My doc was in a meeting so she couldn’t ask. She said she will call me tomorrow and let me know. I felt better after I asked about their safety and stuff. I don’t want anything to happen there. They are good people. I was anxious after the phone call because we talked about what the felon is doing with the dept of education and not supporting trans students. I still haven’t received my financial aid reward for the semester. I hope it will be this week. Also the university sent out a message about Title IX. I am no longer protected against discrimination federally but I am protected by the state of Massachusetts. Weird how that is but at least it is something.

Therapist had texted me that she wasn’t feeling well and would be doing virtual tomorrow. I am glad I don’t have to leave the house tomorrow. I am so tired. We have lots to talk about. I just hope I am not too sleepy to talk.

I sent a message to my neuro about the headaches that have been happening daily and she increased my Depakote. I hope it helps because I like to do reading before bed and haven’t been able to because of the headaches. Hence why I have been going to bed around 8. I have a headache now and I am debating taking something for it. I don’t want to cause a rebound headache. Those suck.

I woke up around 2am. Foot was burning. Then I had a sneeze attack so it woke me up. I tried going back to sleep but couldn’t. I took some gaba to ease the burn. Around 4 I got hungry. I ordered McD’s. Now I am up.

I plan on reading the next book in my English class. There will be a new Italian assignment due this week. It doesn’t “open” until after 8am. I still need to work through chap 6. I finished the 1st English book the other night.

I like to be openly trans but current stuff is making it hard. I don’t want to lose my grants for school because of who I am. I wish I had money to support the ACLU. It is a good organization to fight discrimination. It is hard to fight the suicidal stuff when every day a right is being stomped on.

I don’t know if the twinging in my thigh is related to my increased back pain. I haven’t done anything to really upset it. I just woke up one day and my lower back hurt. I have been moving and still doing my things. Thankfully it is not severe pain.

I want to go to Starbucks today. I am so craving a latte. I also need to go to the post office so I can send my books to my family members. Not sure which post office i will go to. I can go to the one around the corner or the one near Starbucks. Decisions, decsions…

Just another day where trans rights are being stomped on

I woke up in the middle of the night to pee. I didn’t stay up too long. I fell back asleep and woke up with my med alarm. I was too sleepy so shut it off and went back to slumber. I got up a few hours later. I had a weird dream about my niece and me telling her mother the stuff she was doing. I was so annoyed in the dream.

I had my coffee and something to eat. I bought breakfast burritos and they are really good. I have them with hot sauce. I will have to pick some more up when I go to the grocery store. I only bought a few in case I didn’t like them. I finally brought the last of my Powerade to my room. I had a gallon of water and it leaked inside the bag it was in. I don’t know where the leak is and it doesn’t look like it leaked too much as it is still a full gallon. I don’t know.

I wanted to do my Italian today but I took a three hour nap instead. I still feel tired and I was kind of in a depressed mood since finding out the felon has told the dept of education to remove all mention of transgender. I don’t know what this means for me and getting my degree. I am sort of freaking out. I want to fulfill my dream of getting my bachelor’s. I just feel so fucking useless and depressed. I feel like I shouldn’t exist.

I texted my therapist last night that I was having suicidality with planning and she responded with please contact 911 or crisis line. Now I know she doesn’t know what the hell she is doing. I feel I need to educate her or something. I asked if I could email her and am waiting for a response. This is how it was with the therapist of 16 years. She didn’t know how to handle my suicidality so I just kept up a run around with it. In the end it got me nowhere. If I can’t trust someone to help me, it’s a losing battle. I honestly don’t know what to say to her. I’m hoping the Shneidman chapters will help.

I had some burritos for dinner. I took out some burgers but I didn’t feel like cooking. I got a headache. I don’t think I will be doing any school work today. I feel so shitty. Tomorrow night I got to attend the language lab on zoom. I was going to go to the one in person on Thurs but it was a snow day. We got some heavy snow last night. I wanted to shower today and I still might.