midnightdemons7

Useless and don’t want to exist

I had a difficult night. I woke up around midnight/1am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I read for a bit. Got tired so laid down and still couldn’t seem to doze off. I eventually did but have no idea what time so my sleep record is all fucked up. My alarms went off and I didn’t want to get up. Then I fell back to sleep and when I woke up it was almost 1030 which meant I couldn’t have coffee or shower. I had to leave the house. I got dressed and brushed my teeth. Then caught the bus. I went to Starbucks and then jumped on the train to go to campus.

I made it there with a half hour to spare. I didn’t feel like reading. I played my game on my phone. Class was interesting. We discussed the book and I am further along than I should be. It’s an easy book and I should finish it by Friday. I had some lunch on campus and then went home. It took forever as the train was so fucking slow. It kept stopping for 5 or ten minutes at different stations. I was getting pissed off.

I finally made it to the square. My meds were ready so I went to pick them up. I had a few text exchanges with my sister about this weekend. I got to go to the grocery store tomorrow to pick up some things. My cousin will be taking me as I got some heavy things to buy. I have therapy in the morning. I texted my therapist today that I don’t want to exist. I got no response.

I feel totally useless. I am wicked depressed. I have been on and off suicidal ideation the past few days. I have gone so far as to plan. Only thing stopping me right now is school. Otherwise I think I might attempt again. I just feel so rotten. I stink. I need to shave and shower. I honestly don’t remember the last time I showered. I know it was last week sometime. Problem is I have no energy. I might shower and then shave tomorrow. I don’t think I can do both.

Post will be sweary

I had a shitty night sleeping. I had taken Nyquil because I felt I was getting a cold. I don’t remember when I went to bed. I am supposed to keep track of my sleeping for the next two weeks. I created a spreadsheet of the PDF so I can enter the data. I just got to remember to do it. I had some weird dreams and each time I woke up, I had a headache. I got a migraine right now and I am trying to push through it to get some schoolwork done.

I need to shower today. I got up and we had no half and half so I had to order it. I also ordered burgers because I need something for dinner. They didn’t have my ice cream. I was disappointed. I haven’t had ice cream in a long time. I am hoping to place a grocery order later this week.

I just looked at my Italian class. I have to do some work on a website and then do homework as well as look at the textbook. I have at least two chapters in my English class to read for tomorrow. It’s easy reading and I like the book.

It’s warm today. If my medication was ready, I would have gone out today. But it’s not. I don’t know when it will be ready. I already made a few phone calls today so I don’t want to call the pharmacy. I looked at my calendar to see when I am seeing my psychiatrist again and there is no appointment. I had to look it up. I also don’t have an appointment with the neuro NP in there.

I am so tired. I hate when I have a shitty night sleeping. I want to take a nap. I need to shave and shower. Yesterday I shit myself. I hate when that happens. I am wicked depressed. The felon fucking took away protection for transgender persons on Title IX. He really is coming for us. I am so fucking scared. I want to get some kind of reassurance that my care at the transgender center will still be there and I will be able to get my T. But right now I don’t know how things are going to be and I don’t think they do either. I messaged them anyway. I nearly cried as I sent it. I got such a headache. I don’t know if it is a migraine or just a headache. I am going to take a nap.

Saturday Blog 01022025

I’ve been up since 630. I tried to go back to sleep but it wasn’t happening. I took my meds around 730 and then got up around 10 to have coffee with my sister. She told me some of the stuff that Musk is doing. I can’t believe that idiot has control in the government. I also find out today or last night that I am basically a non citizen to my government. They no longer recognize TQIA+ people. I am glad the majority of my documents say male. I got to find out if my insurance changed my marker. It was the last thing I needed.

I have been feeling so despondent today. I got a migraine around 2pm and been in headache hell since. I got such pressure above my right eye and through my skull. I haven’t started reading my book because I am not sure I can. I got feedback from the review assignment in Italian. I screwed up the verbs big time as the professor said I should review them extensively. Fuck. I had no idea what he was talking about so I messaged my friend who speaks proper Italian. She gave me this awesome website about verbs. I will review it when my head isn’t hurting me so much.

Yesterday I got a call from Mass Rehab. Because my financial aid is dependent on my academic progress, they won’t help with textbooks or a new laptop. So I am on my own. I am going to try saving some money over the next few months to get a new laptop. Today when I turned it on it made a noise and then the fan made a bigger noise. I had to restart it to stop the noise. I also have been manually putting it to sleep. It has helped.

I made chicken and rice for dinner. I am so full. I managed to shave. I just need to shower. I don’t know if I will do it today or not. I am feeling pretty tired after being up all day. It snowed today so I didn’t go out. The temps are in the 20s so I am sure it is icy out. My room temp has dropped to 65. It’s a little chilly in here.