midnightdemons7

Infallible

Today was my oldest niece’s birthday. We celebrated her tonight. It was nice. I am full from the good food.

I woke up around 11 and wasn’t sure if I wanted to leave the house or not. When I saw outside was raining, I decided not to leave the house. I had my DMH worker call me. I swear we could talk all day. We talked for an hour and a half but it didn’t seem that long. We had a good talk.

I just found out Luke Combs is coming out with new music and his new song about whisky is hitting me hard. Album hasn’t come out yet. I just got his Fathers and Sons album. I have all his albums. I love his voice.

I submitted my Italian review even though there was one question I left blank. I just didn’t know what to put. I did the dialogue think as best I could. I got to read my book tomorrow. I am too tired. I will start the Italian chapter 6 on Monday.

I have been sneezing since I got up today. I don’t know why. I hate it. I have to look at foods I can eat that won’t aggravate my gallbladder. I took out chicken breast so I can roast it for tomorrow night. I might make some rice with it if I have it.

I felt wicked depressed earlier. Just this deep sadness that hurt. Nothing happened, I just felt that way. I am glad I don’t get horribly suicidal when I feel down. Next week is going to be a mix of rain and snow. I hate that I have to be in it. I made plans for my sister and I to have coffee in the morning when I get up. I like when we just shoot the shit.

Nobody’s listening

Today has been a fucking day. Started before I had coffee. Bitch sister left me a note and it got me so fucking angry. I had to go to class and navigate the campus. I got there an hour early and wished I brought my book. Then I heard about the plane crash with the Army helicopter. Felon is to blame 100%. 67 people dead are on him. I don’t care what anyone says. It is his fault. I am so angry that they are using some kind of policy to cover themselves. Fucking assholes, all of them.

I can’t deal with anymore. Every day is a shitshow. Trans rights are being taken away and no one is stopping it from happening. Now they are trying to overturn same sex marriage in the Supreme Court. I am so fucking angry.

I am so fucking tired. I walked a lot the past two days. My ankle is hurting me. I am having bone pain again. I want to go to bed but it’s too early. I will wake up around midnight or so. Tomorrow I have a meeting with my DMH worker. I don’t know if I am going to go into town or not. It’s also my niece’s birthday. We are going to have some good food. I had to buy some Gatorade today as I couldn’t drink water anymore with my meds. I needed the sugar fix. I went two weeks without it. I don’t know if I will be placing a grocery order. A bill that was supposed to get paid on the 24^th didn’t. I have to call them now and find out why.

I got to find out what foods I can eat that won’t cause me problems. Everything I have eaten this week has caused me pain and bloating. But I refuse to just eat plain chicken and rice. I got to shave and shower tomorrow. I can finally sleep in. My appointment with the DMH is at 2. I like meeting her in the afternoon. We have some good talks. I got to be in touch with Mass Rehab about getting reimbursed for my books and to see if they will buy me a new laptop. My current one I don’t think is going to make it to the end of the semester. It’s having power issues. It still runs okay. I just have a hard time putting it to sleep or hibernating. I’ve just been shutting it down after I use it. It took nearly five minutes for the fan to shut off last night after it shut down.

Classes and therapy

I got up early this morning. I woke up at around 3am and had a difficult time going back to sleep. I snoozed on and off until my sister got up. Then my alarm went off and I waited for my med alarm before getting out of bed. I had one cup of coffee and then I had to leave to catch the bus. It snowed out but wasn’t that cold. I wore my new sneakers as they are waterproof.

I got to therapy in time, with ten minutes to spare. There were people in the waiting room. Seemed like they all knew each other. I gave my copy of Shneidman to my therapist and told her which chapters to read. She bookmarked them. We talked about different things. I told her about my anxiety and she suggested that I try and have at least three affirmations each day. I don’t know if I will do it.  I have a hard time finding something positive about myself on any given day.

My laptop has been running since I thought I shut it off yesterday after I blogged. Something is wrong with the power. It doesn’t seem to be recognizing when the lid is shut. So I will have to shut down my laptop from now on.

I got several emails from my English professor. They sent the syllabus and how the class is structured. There will be three five page papers due over the semester. I finally have the first book to read. I am freaking out because it has to be in MLA format and I have no idea what that is but we can’t use outside sources other than the book so I don’t get it. I am going to be struggling to get five pages done on these books.

I did some Italian work when I got on my laptop. I made some schedule of what I do during the week. Have no idea if I did it right. I got to do some blah blah blah’g on one section. Then make some sentences in another. I wish I had confidence in what I was doing. I had to look up some words. I really think my Italian is going to be easier than English class.

I am tired. I had Chipotle for lunch and my stomach got bloated. Seems everything I eat makes me bloated. I found that there is a Starbucks right at the corner of the blue line so next week when I see my therapist I am going to leave early so I can have a coffee before session.

School and the felon

I slept late today because I didn’t have to get up early. I had a weird dream and when I woke up, I was in such deep sleep that I didn’t know where I was or what year it was. I got up and used the bathroom and then came back to my room to take my meds. I checked to see what news was and found that the felon is pausing federal grants and loans. He caused havoc everywhere. I don’t know if I will get SNAP this month. He did this illegally. I hope the dems do something. My college degree hangs in the balance.

I had a few cups of coffee and then I tried to do Italian. I still don’t know if I did it right. I still got like a page to do for the homework, which is all review. I know some stuff and others I don’t remember anything. Next week will be the language lab so will be going to that. I need all the practice I can get.

My niece made baked cauliflower. It was salty and cheesy. My side is hurting and I feel bloated. I shaved but haven’t showered yet. I need to shower. I probably will after I blog this. I don’t know what I will do tonight. I’ve been playing this game called Township. It’s like the farming game that was on FB years ago. I got to do some more Italian, too. I got to write some stuff in the homework. I have therapy tomorrow morning. I hope I wake up early enough to be out of the house by 9. Last few times I have met in person, I just made it to the appointment on time. It messes with my anxiety when I am not early. Being on time just kills me.

I packed my backpack for tomorrow. I got to return my library book. Hopefully, I can connect from the blue to green lines tomorrow without a problem. I got such a headache right now. I hope I can sleep. I got to shower first. Hope the hot water helps my head. Today has been a fucking day. And I fear what tomorrow will bring.