midnightdemons7

Black dog

I have been in the abyss the past few days. I feel so depressed and useless. Today I woke up sweating as I was wrapped up in my blanket. I then spent three hours in my hot kitchen, sweating as I made something to eat. I made oatmeal pancakes but forgot sugar and we didn’t have syrup. They were ok but bland. I also forgot oil so they were dry. I made three but only ate one. I had three cups of coffee. I came to my room to cool off. I felt faint. I took my blood pressure but it is high not low. My heart rate is in the 70s so that is good. I was having palpitations during the night and it was in the 100s. I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up to pee and had a difficult time going back to sleep. I got up around 330 to read for a bit. I read for an hour and then tried to go back to sleep.

The bookstore I tried to have an event at turned me down. I can rent a space for a private event though. I need to go get my meds today. I am so damn tired though and it is hotter than it was when I first got up. I am tired and don’t feel like going out. I haven’t left the house since Thurs. I need a shower as I feel pretty gross. I think cold water on my head will feel good. I think I shaved yesterday so I don’t have to again till tomorrow or Wed. My head is dry and itchy. I asked my cousin, who is a hairdresser, if I could put lotion on and she said I can. I have been using a moisturizing body wash for my head.

I hate feeling so ill. My blood pressure is high so I guess that is better than being low. I am listening to Black Dog by Taylor Swift on her Tortured Poets album. I had bought the album on her website for this song and then the anthology came out the day she released it so I paid for two albums. I don’t care. I love her music and would and have bought all her songs.

I am making progress on my library book. I really love reading about how the Civil War affected Boston’s Black community. Just shitty they were outsourced by Irish immigrants and other whites. Just sad. I hope to finish the book this week and then I can start reading Principles of Psychology by William James. It is another huge book. I hope to finish it in a month but it might take me longer than that. I don’t know when I will restart Managing Suicide Risk. I have wide open days that I don’t know what to do with myself.

No such thing as bad thoughts

I’ve had nothing but arguments with my bitch sister today and I feel really depressed because she thinks I do nothing but stay in my room, sleeping. Truth be told, there isn’t a place I can go. The living room is my niece’s bedroom. And it is too hot outside. The kitchen isn’t really comfortable. I rather be in my room on my bed and be comfy. She just makes me feel like I shouldn’t exist.

I managed to brush my teeth and shave. I want to shower but I have done so much already, I don’t know if I should. I vacuumed my rug. It was hard because it was a hand held vacuum that kept getting stuck. I had to keep clearing it out. I had put some carpet freshener powder to try and make my room smell better. I then did my meds for the week. I kept track of the baseball game. We won again. I was happy about that.

I made a pasta salad for dinner. It was good. I made too much pasta so I have some for tomorrow. I washed my dishes afterwards and then went back to my room. I am so hot. The kitchen was so hot. I need to cool down. I am also very tired. I didn’t sleep well last night. I got up to pee and tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. I kept tossing and turning. I finally took an Ativan at like 5am because I couldn’t take the sleeplessness anymore. I got a headache right now. I had two cups of coffee and a glass of iced tea. I have been trying to drink more fluids but it is hard because I am not thirsty.

I am trying to avoid taking a nap. I am really tired though. Game is over so I can read tonight. I took the Latuda early because I ate enough calories for it. I had a protein drink that was 400 calories so I figure I would be safe to take it. It was really good, that protein drink. I will get another one when I go to the store again. I just wish it wasn’t so damn expensive. I think it is like $4 for a bottle. I don’t remember how many ounces it was. My cousin will take me sometime this week. I have a few protein bars left. They are ok but are tough to chew. I hate that they stopped making the protein bars that I liked. They were good.

Saturday Blog 22062024

I didn’t get up till after 3pm today. I didn’t mean to sleep so late but I had such a hard time getting up. My kitchen is in disarray as my sister has finally moved her kitchen set in. I don’t know where my mother’s table went. I had a cup of coffee and then I did the fucking dishes because my bitch sister didn’t want to do them. I also emptied the dishwasher.

Sox are losing right now. I don’t know why they can’t win against teams that less than 500. It is really annoying. My brother in law made some pasta so I had that and some ribs. I was going to make a pasta salad anyways.

Despite me sleeping so late, I am still tired. I know I was up reading again. I had slept for a few hours and then was up. Today was a cooler day with rain but I had to put the AC in my room as it got really stuffy. Pollen count is really low but I have had a few sneeze attacks. I wanted to go to the pharmacy and pick up my pain meds but I woke up too late. They have weird hours now and close early. I will try tomorrow to pick it up. The rest of my meds are in the Square which I will pick up either Mon or Wed. The Latuda needed to be ordered so I am waiting for that to come in. I will pick up when all are ready.

I’m glad I paid next week. I need to put money on my T-pass. My funds are running low. I was supposed to get a check from the ride but it hasn’t come in yet. I want to go to Starbucks at least one or two days next week, just to get out of the house. Weather is going to be hot but no rain. I also need to place my grocery order in.