midnightdemons7

Depressed today

I have been in bed most of the day. I just don’t want to do anything and I NEED to study. There is a lot of stuff to go over. I am kind of overwhelmed and I am trying not to be or nothing will get done. I just feel so worthless. I’ve been staring at the laptop for hours and nothing has been done. I started working on it at like 3 this morning when I couldn’t sleep. I was just tossing and turning. I need to create four multiple choice questions for the sections we were assigned. Then post them. Should be easy but I am having the hardest time.

I stayed in bed as late as I could. I wasn’t hungry or thirsty but wanted coffee just out of habit. I was up like every two hours to pee and I leaked each time I got up. I don’t know why I had such urgency. I ended up taking a shower after I had my coffee. The pup wasn’t home yet. I had to open the door for her daddy.

After I showered, I went up to my room to get dressed as I didn’t bring any clothes down. I just wrapped the towel around me. I ordered some stuff on Instacart and will never do so again. Instead of getting half and half, I got a watermelon. Corn muffins were replaced with English muffins. I was not happy. Now I got to go back to a store and get the right things. My sister is going to take me Saturday when she is off work. I hadn’t eaten yet so I ordered a roast beef sandwich and they gave me the wrong sauce. I am not having a good day with ordering stuff.

Tomorrow is going to be wicked cold and I got to pick up something at the pharmacy. I haven’t been out all week. Next week I am busy all week and I have the exam to take. I just wish my brain would function so I can focus on what I need to fucking do to get this done.

I got up late today. I really didn’t want to get out of bed. I had shut off notifications on my phone so I wouldn’t be disturbed. When I got up there were a ton of messages. The NP got back to me. She said my last few reading were better than two weeks ago so now I need to do two more weeks of reading before starting the other blood pressure. I told her I restarted the weight loss drug. Didn’t get a response.

I had two cups of coffee. Also had a yogurt. I didn’t know what I wanted to eat. I was planning on making Mac and cheese for dinner but I took a nap after I looked at what I had to study for the week. Lot of chapters. She broke it down into groups. I don’t plan on studying with someone unless they approach me.

I woke up from my nap with my night time med alarm. I took an Ensure with my meds to make sure I had enough calories for the latuda. I am so tired so I am going to go back to bed. I just don’t feel like doing anything.

An early start to the day

I woke up around 530 to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. About a half hour later my sister got up to get ready for work and she was making all kinds of noise, going up and down the stairs. I seriously want to WD-40 her door as it makes such loud creaking sounds. I waited for her to leave before trying to go back to sleep but nope, it wasn’t happening. I got up to get coffee. My head was hurting and I kept on getting side cramps on both sides of my chest. It was so painful I had to take Robaxin.

After I had my coffee, I did some reading. The first paper was so long, interesting, but long. It took me an hour and a half to read. I was toast afterwards. I went to go have another cup of coffee and play with the puppy. She didn’t want to have nothing to do with me as her mom and dad weren’t home. When her mom came home, she was all over me, licking me all over the place.

I had therapy today and mostly talked about how the class is stressing me out but there are only two weeks left of class. I also talked about my difficulty showering. We made a few more appts for the next few weeks. She does a lot of head nodding which is annoying me. We haven’t talked about anything deep. I still have not told her I am trans. For some reason, I don’t want to come out to her. Not yet anyways. I still find it painful that my trans joy was hindered by my mother’s death. It just happened so damn fast. I keep having dreams about her. I don’t know what to make of them. I asked a fellow psychology friend and he said it could be a comfort of some kind.

After therapy, I tried to take a nap but my brain was thinking. I then remembered I had to register for class next semester. So I got up to do that. It said I had already taken the course. I had to look at my degree audit because I don’t remember when I took it. Turns out I failed it in like the summer of 03. I remember now because it was so damn difficult and I wanted out but the withdrawal for summer classes had already passed so I ended up with an F. Now I need to find out where the lab is. It is a building code I don’t recognize. I think it might be the new science building but I am not sure. I need to find the campus codes to find out.

I had my dinner after I registered. I had some soup and some dates. I have been eating dates all day. They are so good. I have been trying to drink fluids. I washed my water bottle as there was something floating in the water. I need to brush my teeth. I will after I take my night meds. I am feeling so tired. I hope I sleep tonight and before 10pm. Tomorrow I got to message my pcp my blood pressure readings and see what dose they want to start me on with the other blood pressure med. The last couple of readings have been good. Today was close to normal but not there yet. It’s supposed to be a wet snowy day tomorrow. I just hope it doesn’t freeze over. Wed I need to get my bloodwork done. Then it’s supposed to snow again Thurs. I get the study guide tomorrow so I will be doing that the rest of the week. I need to get a good grade on the exam as I know I didn’t do well on the paper. Still have not gotten the grade for it yet. She probably took one look at it and tore it apart. You would think that there would be a history of suicide that someone had written as long as humans could write. But nope. There is very little on the matter. Believe me, I tried every kind of combination to search for articles in PsychInfo and came up with NOTHING. Even pubmed failed me.